Jessi’s Story

2019 was a hallmark year for our family. We began the year taking in the fact that God had given us twins. Yes, two babies at one time! This news came as a shock to our family. As we praised God for the double blessing, we wondered how we would manage caring for two toddlers and two infants, but we loved these babies from the start. God powerfully delivered us from our fears as we meditated on His promises, such as, “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10). As our families and church family came around us in amazing ways, our shock and fear were soon eclipsed by great joy and anticipation. God would be faithful; of this we were confident.

We saw His faithfulness in many ways over the next few months. Because of the higher risk of twins, we saw a specialist for detailed ultrasounds every two weeks. Though it was a busy schedule, we loved all the opportunities to see our babies interact and grow. I especially remember our 17-week visit when we found out that the babies were identical twin boys! As I saw each of their intricately formed spines, I could not help but be amazed at these two little blessings God was knitting together inside of me (Psalm 139:13-16). The appointments also meant that it was a stretching time for us financially, and yet, in God’s providence, we were provided with everything we needed for the boys. Our church family also came around us in prayer and many offerings of practical help. As I watched God provide for all of our physical and financial needs, my confidence grew in His faithfulness to provide all that I needed spiritually to mother these two new babies and my two girls. 

The Lord was so kind in giving me a very healthy and enjoyable pregnancy. Throughout the pregnancy, the boys were doing great. They were growing at the same rate, extremely active, and I felt very well. Our girls experienced many kicks and pokes, and my husband and I got to enjoy even more. I spent a lot of time watching my belly move this way and that.

The Sunday morning before Memorial Day began as usual. I was almost 32 weeks pregnant. We woke up, got ready, and went to church. However, on the way there I started to feel lightheaded and paused to see if it would pass. Soon it did, and I felt normal again. 

That morning in Sunday School, the teacher read Psalm 138:8, which says, “The LORD will fulfill His purpose for me; your steadfast love, O LORD, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.” That verse really stuck with me that day as I thought again about all of the new responsibilities I would have in caring for twin babies. Once again, I was given confidence that God would carry me and give me the help that I needed. 

In the middle of that night, I awoke and thought about the last time that I had felt the babies move, and realized it had likely been several hours. I woke my husband, we prayed together, and then by God’s grace we went back to sleep. In the morning, on Memorial Day, I was still not feeling the babies move, so we went to the hospital. 

On the drive to the hospital, my husband, with a shaky voice, quoted Psalm 112:7, which says this about the man who fears the LORD, “He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the LORD.” But I was afraid; we both were. As soon as the nurse put the monitor on my stomach, I knew the babies were gone. She was unable to find any heartbeat. I didn’t even look up to see the doctor come in with the ultrasound machine. I only glanced at her face as she said, “I’m so sorry.” My heart was broken, and at first all I could manage to say was, “I’m so sad, I’m so sad…” over and over.

That day was filled with sorrow and tears, but even from the earliest moments, God was faithful and His hand of providence was at work to care for us. We went home that day and decided to start induction the next morning.

Throughout the first week of our loss, beginning Monday with receiving the bad news and ending Friday with a funeral for our boys, God was so gracious to give my husband and others clarity of mind and a great sensitivity to the needs I didn’t know that I had. We had been a part of our local church for almost five years, and we had witnessed the love of Christ in action many times and in many ways. But as we walked through these deep waters, we were the recipients of this great love in ways that we never could have imagined. The morning of the induction, my husband wisely asked a few friends to come and be with me at the hospital. They came, and our parents also came. Some from our church family had already planned to be in the waiting room before we had asked them. 

These friends and family stayed with us, all through that day and through the following night. Others were watching their children, and still others were cleaning our house, mowing for us, and bringing food for all the people with us at the hospital. All this was of their own initiative, but certainly it was motivated by the Holy Spirit and love of Christ. We saw the beauty of Galatians 6:2 fulfilled in the people who surrounded us: “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” We truly felt our burdens shared as we were served in these many ways.

Around 2am we called everyone into our room, anticipating that the time for delivery would be soon. The memory of that following hour or two, though foggy in some ways, is so precious to me. We had a room full of people gathered around us as we read Scripture, prayed, and sang hymns together. Though my eyes were filled with tears and my heart with pain, it was such a peaceful time, and I felt that I was being upheld in my weakest moment by the everlasting arms of God (Deuteronomy 33:27). 

When I felt it was time, we had everyone step out of the room. Shortly thereafter, our precious son, Timothy Latimer (4lbs 7oz), was delivered. Titus Ridley (4lbs 2oz) came next, following his big brother just ten minutes later, by the grace of God. As we gazed at their perfect little bodies, we saw their resemblance to their big sisters and easily recognized them as “May Babies.” We spent several hours holding and gazing at them with our parents and our daughters, through tears and smiles.

In the days and months since their passing, we have learned many things. We are learning daily to walk by faith and not by sight, and we are realizing that if everything always went the way we expected we wouldn’t have to look to the things unseen. This sorrow has been deeper than any that we have experienced before, but God’s comfort through His promises is deeper still. 

When we have been weak, God has been strong. When we feared that our faith would fail, He has shown us that it is His power guarding it (1 Peter 1:5-8). We continue to see the tenderness of our Good Shepherd as He moves in our hearts and the hearts of His people as they continue to minister to us through prayer and encouragement. “For the LORD will not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of His steadfast love; for he does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men” (Lamentations 3:31-33).

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Jessi is married to Dexter and is a stay-at-home mommy to Adalynn, Eliza, and Maisy; and Hope Mom to Timothy, Titus, and Baby May. As a family they enjoy reading books, dancing, swinging, and being part of their local church body.

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