Mary Beth’s Story

Our waiting was finally over. After three years of trying, we were finally met with a positive pregnancy test. My husband made me re-do the pee stick every morning for three days to be sure. We were so excited, but waited to tell our families until nine weeks.

I knew that at eight weeks we were safe, right? When we reached 12 weeks, I was even more confident. By 20 weeks, seeing our little boy squirm and wiggle in perfect anatomy and size made me feel so safe and secure in our future as a family of three. I was filled with confidence and love during our maternity shoot and the baby shower at 30 weeks. I waited to post those beautiful pictures to social media of our soon-to-be family until the day before what would be my last appointment. Oh, the irony. 

Little did I know that our waiting was just about to begin. At our 32-week appointment, the first nurse was having trouble finding a heartbeat. I wasn’t worried when even the third nurse couldn’t find his heartbeat. I had been feeling “weird” movement for a few days. I had just felt it again when the nurse asked when I had last felt the baby move. But as soon as the doctor rolled the ultrasound across my huge belly, I knew—even before he showed me my son’s still heart. My boy was a mover. He had never been so still. 

Our waiting had begun. There was a wait-list for induction. We ate pizza and finally called our families hours later. The shock finally broke in me when I heard my mother’s wail over the phone. I had been convinced that this was all a mistake, that we would show up to the hospital and he would be fine. We would be sent home with happiness and maybe a little anger at this terrible mistake. But 21 hours of induced labor later, James Allen Armstrong was born still on November 29, 2019.

I recognize now that God was with us in every moment. He was there from the very moment of conception. He covered us in His protection throughout the entire pregnancy. He filled us with so much love for our first child. He was pouring His love and mercy over us through our nurses, family, and doctors while we were in the hospital. His peace was flowing through me as we spent those few hours holding our baby boy. He blessed us by orchestrating the details so that our sweet James was born over the Thanksgiving holiday allowing our families to be there to love on him before we all had to say goodbye. 

There was more waiting in the months following James’ birth. Waiting for my body to heal. Waiting for my milk to dry up. Waiting for the autopsy results. Waiting for a therapist to become available. Waiting for the pain to lessen. But all of this cannot be compared to the kind of waiting that Hope Mommies has helped me to live out. 

My most impatient and hopeful waiting lies in the promises of Jesus—that He died for me and for James. This means there is a glorious day in my future that I will get to worship and praise God in His presence alongside my James. I will spend every day on this broken earth waiting for heaven, knowing that I will hold my sweet baby again.

What I’ve only recently been able to realize is that God was waiting for me; He has been my whole life. My personal relationship with Him was mainly made up of praise for the good things. When life gave me trials or sorrow, I would hunker down and depend on my own knowledge and wisdom, like I knew better. My own perceived strength was stripped away as soon as those horrifying words—there is no heartbeat—were uttered. 

Isaiah 30:18 (KJV) says, “And therefore will the Lord wait, that He may be gracious unto you, and therefore will be exalted, that He may have mercy upon you, for the Lord is a God of judgement. Blessed are all they that wait for Him.” 

With James’ birth, I’ve had to turn to God and rely on His grace and mercy like no other time in my life. And still God waits for me. On the hard days when I scream, “Why?” on my good days when I forget praise Him, and every day in between. This is the only source of peace that I’ve been able to hold on to:. During my time on earth, I am waiting for heaven while God is waiting for me.

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Mary Beth is a lover of science, animals, and books. She shares her love with her husband and three cats in a small apartment in Houston, Texas. The grace, love, and mercy of Jesus saves her everyday.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.

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