Three Years Later

It can often seem as though you will always be drowning beneath the acute pain of loss. However, while our grief never truly ends, it doesn’t always look and feel the same way. In this series, our writers speak from where they are now in their grief, _________ years later. Throughout this series, you will find testimonies of how grief has changed them, and how God has used their heartache to shape them into a greater reflection of His image.

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3 years later. 

One.

Thank you, Lord, for sustaining me through that first year of deep, overwhelming grief that felt heavy and unrelenting. Thank you for carrying me through the waves that pulled me under into anger and envy—for never letting me drown in them. Thank you for the women who carried me here on earth, emotionally, prayerfully, and practically. Thank you for the “yes” to pregnancy after a year of waiting, despite its short duration. Thank you for protecting my life through delivery and surgery. Thank you for bringing me my “lost bestie” in that same month and for the Bible study she led me to. Thank you for my husband’s patience in my ugliest grief; thank you that he was (and is) so gentle with me. Thank you for preparing me prior to this trial hitting with the assurance I would need to endure. Thank you, Lord.

Two.

Thank you, Lord, for healing me in that second year—for teaching me to trust, to surrender, and continue to wait well. Thank you simply for the continued wait, and for the lesson that “counting it all joy in various trials” has no time line, it is just what I’m called to. Thank you for the conviction that I’m impatient. Thank you for continuing to draw near even when I would withdraw. Thank you for meeting my irrational anxiety and worry with the call to trust more. Thank you for teaching me that you are God and I am not. Thank you for the words to share about our story online and in person. Thank you for those who consistently listened and prayed even after years of the same prayer requests. Thank you that Anna is still present with You, worshiping. Thank you, Lord.

Three.

Thank you Lord for allowing the grief to evolve; it has constantly become different, not necessarily easier, just different. Thank you for being present through each phase, lesson, and sin. Thank you that the tears still come, but are met with more peace than year one. Thank you for the time we had with Anna here on earth. Thank you that I can now help carry women through grief emotionally, prayerfully, and practically. Thank you that I have a daughter in heaven. Thank you for making me a mother, even when my motherhood is unseen. Thank you for releasing me from the burden of envy when others become pregnant and deliver. Thank you for new life and for healing that jealous wound too. Thank you for the years of marriage simply alone together—the trips, the fun, the sleep. Thank you, Lord.

When I reflect on the last three years, I genuinely overflow with gratitude. I can now honestly say that I thank you, Lord, for the waiting, pain, grief, and loss. Where would I be without it, but left unchanged and unaware? No, I’m not thankful that my daughter died, but I am thankful for the God who redeems all brokenness and makes beauty from the ugliest of ashes. He is God; I am thankful. Therefore, I remain hopeful. I welcome you in, year four.

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Kayla is married to Justin in sunny south Florida where they enjoy life together with friends & family. Kayla is a teacher at heart, nurse by profession, & lover of truth! She serves as a volunteer nurse at her local Care-Net & enjoys women’s ministry discipleship especially in the areas of grief, marriage, & infertility. You can follow more of her musings on grief here.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.

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