The First Time I Was Alone After Loss
It was a Friday night, exactly thirteen days since Chance’s funeral. I was home alone with the girls while Brandon was at a baseball game with friends. This was the first night since we’d lost Chance that I would be alone for a significant amount of time. Being alone is not something that has ever bothered me, and quite frankly, I enjoy moments to myself. But during that time, as I was grieving the loss of my son, I craved faces and people and bodies.
I knew I was taking a risk. I was putting myself in a vulnerable situation, but I kept telling myself it would be good for me and all would be okay. I also knew that Brandon needed some time out of the house—time with the boys—since that, in and of itself, was healing for him.
I got the girls in bed at the early hour of 6:30pm, ate a quick dinner (even though I still didn’t feel like eating), and decided I would write some thank you notes, read a few blogs, and relax in bed for a little while.
And then the storm hit. I kid you not. Not just a little-bit-of-rain storm, but a storm so large I was scrambling for flashlights (and batteries, because apparently we don’t think to keep working batteries in flashlights) and candles. I huddled in the middle of my bed with my phone, my (working) flashlight, and no electricity. The storm kept raging. Flashes of lightning lit up the sky outside my window. Thunder pounded over and over and over. And the rain just kept coming down.
Because, of course, it was the first night that I was alone. In that moment, I let loose the tears that were inevitable. Home alone, storm raging both outside my window and inside my heart, and tears flowing because, goodness, I just wanted to hold my son again. I wanted to kiss his nose and stroke his little hat and stare at his precious face. But I couldn’t.
Yet in that moment of deep vulnerability, I felt the Lord wrapping me up tightly, taking hold, and reminding me that, while right now life feels scary and sad and overwhelming, it is only time before the storm will cease and the sun will shine again. Because it will. God has proven this time and time again in my life and in yours. God promises we will not pass through this life without seasons of darkness. God also promises the dawn after the dark—every time. Light always wins.
Darkness has its hours, but light always wins.
So I lay there, with flashlight and phone, thunder and lightning, and let myself cry. And I let myself smile, because God was and is still faithful. Regardless of my longing, even in my longing, His promises remain true, and His ways are so very good.
When we feel alone, it is helpful to turn to the Word for fresh encouragement and hope.
In Deuteronomy 31:6 we are reminded, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.” During our darkest hour, while the storm is raging and we are faced with nothing but our thoughts and pain, He is right there beside us. He does not ask us to walk the valley and then leave us there, friends. He is always by our side.
Psalm 46:1 says, “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Ever present. Not sometimes present, or half-way listening when cry out to Him. Ever present.
Further, Psalm 34:18 explains, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” We might feel alone in our sadness, in our brokenness, yet God draws close to us even in our sorrow.
Always with us, ever present, and so very close to our broken hearts. What a gift as we weather through seasons of grief, both fresh and old. What a good, good Father we have indeed.
(A portion of this blog post was an excerpt from Brittnie’s first book, Desert Song, Claiming Joy While Walking the Wilderness.)
- Brittnie
Hope Mom to Baby A and Chance Michael
Brittnie lives in Sugar Land, Texas and enjoys writing on her blog and other outlets, baking, lingering coffee dates, and soaking in moments with her family. She is a wife to Brandon and a mom to Clara, Camille, and Hope Mom to Baby A (Clara’s twin) and Chance. Psalm 62:1-2 is her go to verse when she needs quick encouragement. She is author of Desert Song, and you can visit with Brittnie at her personal blog, A Joy Renewed, where she shares her faith and family, and encourages her readers to claim joy despite circumstance.
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