Grieving Together: Be Honest About Your Feelings
Walking through the loss of a child is extremely difficult on its own, but the difficulty can be greatly compounded when walking through that grief with another. In this series, we seek to write about the ways we can encourage and support our spouse in grief, and come together before the Lord instead of being driven apart by sorrow.
It has taken me nearly five years to look back on our first anniversary without the heaviness washing over me. I would often reflect on our wedding day with weary tears in my eyes thinking, “We had no idea…”
Our first anniversary was a mere six weeks after the day we received a surprising prenatal diagnosis for our oldest son—he would not live as long a life as we had imagined him to due to a neural tube defect. By the time our second anniversary rolled around, we had not only met our first child, but we had said goodbye to him too, and had begun to learn to live in the “after” without him. It felt hard to see the grief in our young marriage.
I now look at those early days and consider it all God’s grace and kindness. We grieve differently, as most people do, and yet, our grief has solidified our bond as a married couple uniquely. Had we not been so fresh into learning so much about each other, I don’t know how we would have done it. With no other choice, we had to learn each other in grief, just like we were in all the other areas of our marriage too.
It was shocking to me how lonely grief felt. Even in my closest relationship, even with the one person who was in the most similar circumstance with me—the only other person who was a parent to my child now in heaven—I felt isolated and alone. Just because we experienced the same loss, it did not translate to us having the same emotional, spiritual, or even physical response. I kind of hated that part.
It seemed as though, when I was feeling free or healing in some areas, he was trudging through anger and pain. When I was sad and could barely get out of bed, he was laughing with a friend over lunch. When I was sobbing, he was withdrawn. What triggered his grief did not even cross my mind. We rarely felt like we were on the same page.
In hindsight, I realized: of course. We are different people with different feelings and a different way of grieving. At the time though, it only made sense to me to feel the way I was feeling. His emotions and reactions to our loss felt foreign and wrong.
While I wouldn’t wish loss and grief upon anyone in their first year of marriage (or ever, honestly), there are some things we learned that helped us to come together and continue to fight for each other and for our marriage that are worth considering as you walk through grief together with your spouse—no matter how long you’ve been together.
In order to be honest about your feelings with each other, you must first choose not to let the loneliness win.
Grief brings loneliness, and loneliness makes us not want to make the first move towards anyone. “They should know why I’m upset,” we think. But to be fair, unless we voice it, we cannot expect others to read our minds perfectly. If I’m going to grieve with my husband, I must choose to be honest with him about how I’m feeling. To be honest with him about how I’m feeling, I need to move towards him. We must create that space in our grief together. Don’t let the loneliness win.
Ask, but also give time to hear the answer.
It is such a gift in our grief to be asked how we are really doing. Grieving differently, and being honest about our feelings, means that we need to be willing to not just share our honest feelings, but to ask about the other person’s. Ask, and give some time for a response. Your spouse might not have words for their grief in the moment. They might not want to talk about it right then. Asking them opens the door for honesty—and grace gives us permission and space to wait for a later response.
Don’t assume you know how they are doing, or write off their feelings.
As much as I wanted to be fully accepted in my grief, I needed to extend that same gift of embrace to my spouse. Just because he isn’t triggered by the same things I am, or he seems to be fine, doesn’t mean he isn’t still hurting. I often deeply wounded my husband by telling him he wasn’t hurting like I was. Of course he was hurting deeply, it just came out differently. I stumbled through this lesson the hard way. We need to learn to embrace our spouse’s feelings and reactions, even if they’re different from ours.
And lastly, I encourage you to let it out.
Like anything in our marriages, we can only grow together in our grief if we are willing to be open and vulnerable with each other. Grieving together looks like learning to communicate more, learning who the other person is in grief, and being realistic. It also helps us to understand each other, and offer and receive more love. The different feelings or responses in grief will begin to feel less like personal offenses and more like compassion and kindness. But first, we must let it out. Vulnerability begets vulnerability.
I’m so thankful, now, that we grieved so early in our marriage. While rocky and painful at times, our marriage was only strengthened by the endurance. It was purely the grace and kindness of God, and we do not take that for granted. In some ways, grief became like a worn in pair of jeans—a normalcy and comfort for us. It wasn’t our only experience in marriage, but it did shape us, and our honesty is what has helped us to heal.
So grieve differently, love and support each other, and grow together in your relationship by being honest with your feelings and giving space to receive an honest answer in return. Our marriage—your marriage—is worth it.
- Meg
Hope Mom to Jacob and Baby Walker
My husband John-Mark and I live in Richmond, VA, where we spend our days with college students, sharing the grace and truth that Jesus offers as He transforms their lives – and ours. I am a big fan of warm weather and the beach, meaningful conversations with those I love, and my family. These days I am in a new phase of my motherhood as I invest most of my time caring for my youngest, a sweet baby girl. The greatest honor of my life is being a mom of two with babies in Heaven.
We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.
