Dacie’s Story
“It’s a boy!” the ultrasound tech announced. My heart sunk at first. I already had three wild boys that I could barely manage! But when I did a little online shopping for our new little wild one that night, I adjusted to the idea: I was just meant to be a boy mom!
We drove up to north Texas the next week to stay in the camper with my husband where he was working. It was the end of August, the Texas heat was brutal, and the air conditioner went out, so we were headed to pick up a new one. It had rained the night before and early that morning, the first rain in months. I guess it made the roads slick, because we crossed the railroad tracks on a curve and started sliding. My husband couldn’t regain control of the vehicle, and we went head-on with an oncoming pick-up.
I remember tumbling over and seeing glass, something pink (the airbag), and white, I thought the whole truck was rolling, and I wondered if this would be it, if our sons would survive. It’s crazy how, in a short span of a few seconds, our minds can contemplate the universe. Then I blacked out. I heard my boys all yelling, “Mama!” and I opened my eyes to see my truck fifteen feet away. I couldn’t breathe. I sat up on my knees trying to get to them, but I could tell something wasn’t right in my legs. I looked down to see bones—my leg was broken, and I wasn’t going anywhere, so I laid back down. I’d lost the baby, I just knew I did. This has to be a dream. I’ll wake up any minute and thank God it wasn’t real.
But it was real. This was my new reality. I had unbuckled to give one of the kids a drink of my water and never buckled back up, and now I was laying on the ground waiting for a paramedic as the shock started setting in, replacing the adrenaline rush that had kept me calm so far. Some men had stopped to help unbuckled the boys and brought them over so I could see them. They were all okay, Thank you Lord! Thank you!
Upon arriving at the ER, a full assessment was done. Somehow, despite being in a head-on collision, tumbling out of the windshield and landing on the ground, my injuries didn’t match the accident. An open fracture on my right leg, a fractured left ankle, a small hip fracture, and a scrape on my left forearm from the windshield.—nothing on my face, no head, back, or brain injuries, and no broken ribs.
The doctors were quite amazed as they all suspected I had spinal damage. Then the ultrasound tech came in to confirm my worst fears. But as the wand was placed on my belly, the unmistakable galloping sound of a baby’s heartbeat filled the room. Thank you Jesus!
But fearful thoughts quickly followed. How would this tiny, growing baby go through what’s to come with no harm? He’s only 17.5 weeks. His little brain was still growing and developing, what was that going to cause later in his life?
I went into my first surgery that night to fix the tib/fib fracture where they put a rod in my leg and sewed a tendon back together. I woke up in the post-op room and an ultrasound tech came by to check on the baby. Silence. The kind of silence that chills you to your bones and shatters your heart. “I’m sorry.” she said as she switched the machine off. I closed my eyes. Father God, You’re in control, I know the plans You have for me are good, but I don’t understand. God pour Your grace and mercy over me and let it fill every bit of me. I can’t do this without You!
Three days later they wheeled me into labor and delivery. I remember thinking how that room should be filled with excitement and anticipation as we await the arrival of our new little love. But it was cold. I didn’t want to be there, not like this. I was supposed to have a home birth this time with our midwife. He was going to be born into the warmth of where he belonged.
But the shift change brought in a new face full of warmth and light. Her heart was in her job—she truly cared about us. “You would make a really good midwife.” I whispered to her. “You have that gift of tenderness and love.”
Her face softened even more as she brought her hands to her heart, “Thank you so much, you don’t know how much that means to me! I’m actually quitting this job in two weeks to pursue midwifery, this was confirmation that I needed!” Our good Lord works like that doesn’t He? Putting people in each other’s lives at just the right time, even if only for a brief moment.
“Baby, he’s coming. Go find Ashley.” I softly told my husband as my eyes filled with tears. He came back just in time as I felt something just slide out of me. Not like a birth, there was no pushing, no ring of fire, and no tears of joy and excitement to follow. It just was.
Ashley cared for us so dearly, tenderly wrapping our little boy up in a donated blanket. Ten fingers, ten toes, perfect little lips and nose, and tiny little ears that hadn’t quite found their place yet. He was perfect, and yet he never would be, not in this life. I immediately grieved a lifetime that could never be fulfilled. Never would I sing along with his baby babbles, hold his little hand, watch him play, or kiss him as he took his new bride or welcomed a new baby. A lifetime of firsts and special moments vanished into thin air.
The next few months brought hardships like I’d never experienced before. Physical pain in my legs, an emptiness in my tummy where my body just knew something was missing, and a broken heart. I read “Anchored” that came in the Hope Mommies box, and spent a lot of time with God. I would spend hours throughout the night talking to Him—thanking Him for sparing the lives of our living children and the two men in the other truck, praying for them and others enduring hardships, mourning the life of our little one, and talking with Him through all my thoughts and emotions. Most times I fell back asleep mid-conversation, like a little girl laying in her Father’s lap.
God didn’t stop by simply providing peace and comfort. Somehow, through a way that only He can, there was healing in my life, our marriage, and our family. Our marriage had been stale, for lack of a better word. Neither of us had been unfaithful, we were just disconnected and weren’t cultivating our marriage at all. I had a fear he was “on his way out” and always anticipated him walking through the door announcing his desire for a divorce. I felt he didn’t love me like he used to, and I wondered if I felt the same.
But during that week in the hospital, I got a glimpse into the endless amount of unconditional love that man has for me, “through sickness and in health, for better or worse.” He never left my side through it all. He emptied bedpans and held my hand, pushing my hair back from my face as I cried in pain. And in seeing the depth of his love for me, I realized just how much I still loved him. God used our loss to bring healing to our marriage.
Then there was my husband’s family. My relationship with them had a rough start, and I always had a fear that they were just tolerating me to avoid conflict. But after the accident, his mom and sister made the seven hour trip the very next day to be my side. Another sister and her husband drove up a couple days later, just for one night. It wasn’t my husband laying in a hospital bed. They weren’t there for him, they were there for me. As I realized that truth, I was completely overcome with emotions. His family truly did love me. And for the first time, I finally felt like I belonged to them.
There were other blessings, too. When we moved to Louisiana, we missed my family immensely. Our kids often cried for their grandparents, and I know my parents missed them just as much. This accident gave us four cherished months with them. I was reminded of the mother I strive to be as I watched my own mother selflessly give and serve and nurture our family.
Old friends came by to hug my neck, family came by to gift their time to me, and friends, family, and strangers came together to help us financially during a time of need. Day in and day out I was overwhelmed with the outpouring of love, generosity, and prayers. We realized there were thousands of people praying for our family. Churches from Texas to Louisiana had us on their prayer lists, and every prayer was felt in the deepest part of my soul as God reminded me what His Word says.
“’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.’”
Jeremiah 29:11
I always had a fear of tragedy because I thought it would rock my foundation in Christ and separate me from God. But then it happened, and somehow, through the chaos, the ugly, the pain, and the heartbreak—all the things the enemy wanted to use to harm me—I felt drawn closer to God than ever before. That is what He desires for us, after all.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”
Matthew 11:28-30
- Dacie Hamilton
Hope Mom to Parker
I am a wife and stay-at-home-mom to three wild little boys that test the very core of who I am. I pray daily for patience and guidance, continue to fall short, and yet praise God for choosing me for this challenging job called “motherhood.” My husband, J.R., and I raise five kids together, so while our home is always loud and messy its filled with an immeasurable amount of love and laughter.
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