When You Feel Misunderstood In Grief
God’s Word speaks thoroughly and abundantly into every season of the heart. As we study His Word, we learn that within its pages are found the ultimate source of comfort and peace for the sufferer. In this series, we will seek to carefully and compassionately apply these ancient, scriptural truths to feelings and experiences that are common in grief.
How do you feel misunderstood in your grief? Is it the lack of grace extended for time off work? Friends who don’t understand why you’re still sad? Family who want you to “move on”? We’ve all been there, sister. You’re not alone.
Most of our children in heaven didn’t live long enough for friendships to be made with other children. Some of us, never had the opportunity to get even a glimpse of our baby’s personality or introduce them to the world. Perhaps your baby had no clothes to their name or a room of their own. Heartbreakingly, their existence was mostly unseen by others. For me, these sorrows are what left me feeling misunderstood in my grief.
A few months after Anna died, I remember feeling very misunderstood when someone flippantly asked me if we were allowed to “try” again. I thought that if they had the audacity to ask me that question, they surely had no understanding of what was lost. They couldn’t possibly understand that another baby would never replace Anna. I wanted to grieve and feel her absence for as long as I needed because it was my only connection to her.
Why didn’t they just hold their tongue? Didn’t they know every pregnancy was high risk from here on out for me? Or how difficult “trying again” would be? Or how badly we are hurting?
The honest answer is no, they didn’t. They simply misunderstood my grief.
There were other times I felt misunderstood at nobody’s fault. I simply wanted someone, anyone, to feel the depths of the pain in my soul, but it was an unrealistic expectation. They couldn’t possibly know all the details of my grief or understand it all even if I did share. Many wonderful friends empathized, my husband experienced most of it by my side, and I connected with other women who had later trimester losses too. Still, there were pieces of my grief that remained silent and misunderstood.
“He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress;
My God, in Him I will trust.” -Psalm 91:1-2 (NKJV)
Over time my grief matured, and I was able to share these struggles with God in surrender. It was there, in that secret place, that our intimacy grew. I was waiting for someone on earth to fully grasp my grief while He was answering that call all along. I drew near to Him, seeking consolation for my frustration, and He provided the knowledge and understanding that I sought in every nuance of my grief.
This is such an important and unique aspect of grief that we, as believers, must grasp in our suffering in order to experience deeper healing, peace, and acceptance of our loss. Jesus Himself, being most acquainted with grief (Isaiah 53:3), sympathizes with every iota of our struggle, grief, and sadness, and meets us in the thick of it. Not only is He omniscient and omnipresent, but He understands because He has experienced it, carrying the full weight of our grief.
“Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession.For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”
Hebrews 4:14-16
This verse illuminates the depths of Jesus’ understanding in our walks as Christians. Let’s break it down little by little:
Since we have: As believers, we possess access to our Creator through Jesus. We have Him and all His benefits.
High Priest: The veil separating us from God was torn upon Jesus’ death, giving us full access to our Mercy Seat, the propitiation of sins. Jesus became the High Priest who could approach God for us all (Hebrews 3:1; 6:19-20).
Passed through the heavens: He left heaven to endure punishment on our behalf, and returned to heaven, triumphant over death.
Jesus: He became human and lived on earth, tempted and tried the same way we are. Therefore, He is able to have complete understanding of our experience on earth (Hebrews 7:26).
Son of God: God sacrificed His Son. Jesus was both fully God and fully man. God experienced the grief of loss in Jesus’ death—the price paid for our reconciliation (Hebrews 1:5).
Let us hold fast: Because Jesus embodies all these attributes, we can stand firm in our faith though any trial in perseverance and obedience to the Lord.
Sympathizes with weakness: Jesus is familiar with every weakness we encounter in life and grief. None of our struggles or emotions are a surprise to Him.
Tempted in every respect: Jesus was tempted by sin in every way as we are daily. There is no sin you’ve been tempted by that He doesn’t understand the nature of (Hebrews 2:18).
Draw near: The separation is gone; we can continuously draw near to our God. In Christ, sin is no longer a permanent barrier. God invites us to draw near to Him and promises to do the same for us (Hebrews 10:19-22).
Throne of Grace: Jesus sits on a throne of grace and forgiveness, not condemnation. He is approachable and inviting (Hebrews 10:11-14).
Receive mercy: By approaching Him, we receive mercy from the One who profoundly understands all of our needs.
Find grace: It is in His presence where we find grace, God’s undeserved favor, in the midst of our weakness.
In time of need: God’s desire is to help us in our time of need, this includes our weakness in the midst of grief.
Jesus understands us fully. He is both man and God, tempted and tried, persecuted yet priest, misunderstood yet merciful. God knew we would need this unique and true empathy as we journey this often difficult life striving to honor Him. Jesus was the perfect sacrifice, but also the perfect mediator and compassionate friend—what a gift we have in the fullness of who He is!
I ask you again, where are you feeling misunderstood in your grief? My admonition is to boldly approach Jesus’ throne where the temptation to be validated by anyone else fades, and He can become your secret place of mercy, grace, and perfect understanding.
- Kayla
Hope Mom to Anna Joy
Kayla is married to Justin in sunny south Florida where they enjoy life together with friends & family. Kayla is a teacher at heart, nurse by profession, & lover of truth! She serves as a volunteer nurse at her local Care-Net & enjoys women’s ministry discipleship especially in the areas of grief, marriage, & infertility. You can follow more of her musings on grief here.
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