The Race Set Before Us

After our daughter died, I started running. I wasn’t really a runner before. Yeah, I ran some to try to stay in shape, but that was it. But after Ryan died, running became my outlet. It was a way to let out the energy that built up inside of me as I grieved, as I longed to hold my daughter in my arms. It was my time to remember her, and it turned into time with God. Before leaving the hospital after Ryan was born, my husband and I had committed to running our first half marathon together.

We left the hospital Thanksgiving day. Since we were in Germany, that afternoon at home was the first chance I got to speak to my family. I told my brother about running. He knew right away he was going to run for Ryan also. From that point on, “Running with Ryan” began.

We encouraged others to join us. It was amazing to see how many people ran with Ryan around the world. It was healing for me to see others running for Ryan, remembering our daughter, and running became healing for me.

At the first Hope Mommies retreat, some of us went for a run on the property. Several of us were training for half-marathons. I ran down the driveway to the road and back a couple times. Maybe it was being with those nine other Hope Moms that weekend, but I still remember how much that run reflected my grief only two and a half months into my journey.

At first, it was a little difficult to get going, just as the early days of grief can be. Eventually, we had a group headed out the door for a run. It was so much easier to get started with the support of the other runners. Those same women had been there for me during the first months of my grieving. We were in this together.

Once we started running, we naturally separated into pairs based on our pace or distance when running. I think we do the same thing when grieving. We have a group of support, but connect on a deeper level with particular people—perhaps it’s because our stories are similar, or our babies are close in age, or for some other reason.

Once we separated, the path we were on seemed to be all uphill. When driving on that same driveway the day before, I didn’t notice the hills. But running was another story. I remember thinking, “At least it will be downhill when we turn around.” I was wrong. It seemed to be all uphill again.

At times it seemed impossible to finish the run. I had to stop looking too far ahead, it seemed like such a long way to go. I prayed. I thought about Scripture. I looked just a few feet in front of me, knowing that I could make it just that far, then that much farther. I prayed for the strength and endurance to continue.

“I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”
Philippians 4:13

“But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.“
Isaiah 40:31

Especially in the beginning, grief can feel the same way. Everyday tasks can seem like a huge hill to climb. We have to take it one moment at a time—minute by minute, hour by hour, and then day by day. At times we may only be able to look far enough ahead to just see our next step. We call on the Lord to renew our strength.

After I saw all the uphills on the way back, I decided to make an effort to look for the downhills the next time I ran. When I made a decision to look for them, I could see them. It’s so easy to miss the “downhills” in life, but when we look for these blessings in our day, even in the midst of grief, we will find them. Sometimes we just have to decide to look for them, or we may be blinded by our present troubles.

“For from His fullness we have all received, grace upon grace”
John 1:16

“For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.”
2 Corinthians 4:17

As I continued running that day, I continued crossing paths with the other Hope Moms running. Seeing them on the path with me was encouraging. I was encouraged to go a little further each time, because I knew I was not alone. Sometimes, the understanding of another Hope Mom is what encourages us. That day, we were moving at different speeds and didn’t follow the same roads, but we were all there for each other. Just as we all grieve differently, but still support each other along the way.

“Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.”
Romans 12:15

Together we finished our run that February day, and over the next several months many of us ran our first half-marathon. Over the course of those months, we remembered our Hope Babies as all the holidays came and went, as we celebrated their birthdays in Glory. Together, we continue our journey through grief. Together, we have rejoiced as we have received God’s abundant blessings.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.”
Hebrews 12:1-2

Whitney is married to her husband, Rob. They have three children, Natalie, Dylan, and their daughter in heaven, Ryan Elizabeth (November 23, 2010).Whitney enjoys all things fitness, traveling, and anything she can do with her family.

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