The Only Way Out is Through: Hope in Raw Grief

Last week I shared briefly about my personal experience with the death of a baby, and with the secure Hope God shared with me. While we Hope Moms do have the hope of a future reunion and eternity with our heavenly children, we still have to walk through the painful, confusing aftermath of their deaths. I’ll share some of my experiences right after loss, and then explore what the Bible says about our suffering.

While in the hospital recovering from my c-section, I was presented with all sorts of “next steps”–ways to care for both my body after surgery, as well as William’s body after death. I didn’t want to do any of it. I wanted to go to sleep and wake up in a different life. But, every time I woke up, I was met with traumatic memories from the past few days and also the responsibilities before me that required more suffering: everything from phantom baby kicks in my deflated belly, to picking out an infant-sized coffin, to seeing William’s body again for a visual confirmation (a funeral home’s request that you confirm the body of the deceased), to having to figure out what to do with nature’s way of feeding infants, I just wanted someone else to take care of it. Or for it to all just go away.

One day on my way home after purchasing a funeral dress (another one of those painful responsibilities– my sales lady asked how ‘far along’ I was), I said to myself “Kelly, the only way out of this mire is through it; you can’t ignore it, pass it off to someone else, or bypass the situation. You have to go through each step.” So, those words, “the only way out is through” became a mantra every time I faced a new hurdle.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but this also could have been Jesus’ mantra that lonely night in the Garden of Gethsemane. “Then he said to them, ‘My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch with me.’ And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, ‘My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.’” (Matt 26:38-39). Jesus had to walk through pain-point after pain-point just to get to the cross, and then had to endure the cross for six hours and then death for three days. But, He knew the only way to free us from the fatal trap of sin and offer us eternal glory was to go through torture and death Himself. The only way out was through. 

Both Peter and Paul shared how we, too, must walk through suffering to reach glory. First Peter 2:21 says “Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps.” In the Greek, the word “example” means “trace” – as in to trace over letters to learn how to write them. So, Christ has created the tracing pattern for us to follow; this pattern includes–in fact, requires–suffering. Paul tells us in Romans 8:16-17 “…we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.” The way out of the life of suffering and death is through suffering and death, that we can join with Jesus in the rest of His tracing pattern, which concludes with Eternal glory. 

I can only imagine the stories and situations you have had to navigate while already bearing the cross of loss. The terrible decisions you’ve had to make, the conversations that left you feeling worse, the strained relationships, the sights, sounds and smells. God knows EACH of these moments; He knows intimately what you are going through, because He had to endure through insults, rejection, betrayal, loss, strained relationships, and bearing a cross on top of a scourged back. He could have bypassed a lot of it (Mt 26:53), but then there would be no resurrection glory to offer us. 

Dear friend, I know the difficult ways of baby loss can pile on and sometimes offer no reprieve. I know trudging through your new reality is the opposite of what you expected. I know how hard it is to say, “the only way out is through”. But, unlike Jesus, you are not alone in your darkest hours. He too, went through. Follow Him. Trace His steps. And you will find hope to carry you until you reach glory with Him.

-Kelly

Kelly is the Ministry Support Lead for Hope Mommies. She and her husband Dan live in Brenham, TX with their two earthside children, Annabelle and Eli (and lots of pets). Their firstborn, William, went to Heaven in July 2017. To balance out the fullness of life, Kelly enjoys gardening, yoga, and sipping on some matcha while reading historical fiction. She considers herself beyond privileged to share the amazing news of Jesus’ Hope to all who need it, and loves that William gets to be a part of that message.