God’s Gift of Hope: Kelly’s Story

Greetings Hope Mommies Community! My name is Kelly Ransdell, and I have been involved with Hope Mommies since 2017. I’ve held various roles including Founder and President of the Houston Chapter, retreat small group leader, Hope Group leader, and now as a member of the Leadership Team as the Ministry Support Lead.

This particular letter comes at a time of great grief for my home state of Texas, and I want to take a moment to acknowledge the July 4th tragedy and loss of life.  My childhood consisted of several summers at Camp Mystic, and I have friends who have lost their daughters in that flood. My grief runs deep for all of you; you know a loss that feels unimaginable to me. Yet, I know a great God who has shown me great hope in my own baby loss; I feel absolutely certain that His Hope can cover your great heartbreak as well. I pray William’s story blesses you.
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Just a few days ago, on July 18th, I celebrated the eighth birthday of my Hope Baby, William. 

Eight years of moving forward; eight years of singing “Happy Birthday” to someone very real yet invisible to the human eye; eight years of wondering about the ‘who, where, what, and how’ of a life that will never materialize this side of heaven. And also, eight years of learning about God’s sustaining power through His gift of Hope. 

My story begins when I became pregnant with William (our first baby) during a very uncertain time in our lives and marriage. Honestly, my first reaction upon looking at that positive pregnancy test was great fear: I was unsure if I really wanted to be a mom, and very doubtful of my ability to mother well, especially in our difficult season of life. These thoughts constantly wrapped me in anxiety throughout my pregnancy. I tried to pray; I tried counseling; I tried exercise. Yet I was still so fearful. I knew God, but I did not know Him as one on Whom I could actually throw all of these fears and be handed hope instead. 

The pregnancy proceeded normally until the final six weeks when I began to have extra amniotic fluid. While William didn’t show any signs of distress, the doctor wanted to ensure his well-being so I was induced at 39 weeks in Bryan, Texas. After a long 36 hours of laboring William’s heart rate would not stabilize, so he needed to be delivered via emergent c-section. As I was wheeled to the operating room, so fearful about what was coming, God made Himself known to me; He saturated me with an inexplicable peace and whispered a message: “It’s going to be okay.” How strange it is to know rock-solid reassurance among chaos and danger. 

William was drawn from my womb, looking perfectly formed with a head full of strawberry blonde hair. But he did not utter a sound. He did not open his eyes. He did not take a breath. When his lifecord was detached from me, his heart stopped. The neonatalogist worked for 30 minutes to resuscitate him. After reviving him artificially with drugs and tubes, she informed us that he had severe organ damage. 

Twelve hours later, I found myself at Houston’s Texas Children’s Hospital in a room with my husband and doctors, hearing that William’s organ damage was irreversible and his blood had become toxic. Meaning, we needed to release his suffering and let him die as soon as we could. 

WHAT. The most talented children’s doctors available cannot save him? NOTHING can be done?

I found myself staring at death head-on and was not allowed to escape it, fight it, or ignore it. It would come and take. Nothing would stop it. I learned then what the Bible means by “weeping and gnashing of teeth”. 

And then, William was laid my arms for the first time.

At that moment I felt something new being born in my heart, something that chased away death’s threat to bury my soul: a little light shining through desolating tragedy. Peaceful gratitude among agonizing heartache.  As William lay there, quietly passing from this life into the next, I found myself whispering to his precious peaceful face, “Thank you, William, for making me a mama. And thank you, God, for this baby.” At that moment of death and heart-wrenching sorrow, my previous doubts and fears about motherhood vanished. In fact I felt joy peeking through my pain–joy that I was a mother by God’s good design and joy in this baby. God also gave me a personal lesson on real hope: I would see this precious boy again in Paradise because He made a way. That hope was something I could bank my life on (and I still do).

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While God supplied these sweet gifts of heavenly grace in those dark moments, my grief journey continues on planet Earth where sin, brokenness and pain constantly reside. I look forward to sharing more about how God’s divine faithfulness meets us in our earthside grief. For now, I leave us with a question: Who else can do this? Who else can actually promise “it’s going to be okay” in a situation like this? Who else can deliver gratitude, joy and hope while we face off with our greatest enemy—Death? 

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. Romans 15:13

The God of Hope can. I was able to experience a glimmer of hope because hope is found in our God who became a Baby. 

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you. 1 Peter 1:3-4

Death tried to destroy that Baby many times 2000 years ago, but ultimately failed each time. Death tried to destroy my own baby, and my soul, but failed there too. One day, through Jesus, everything is going to be okay, because He bought for us an inheritance that cannot be tarnished or destroyed. 

Your story is not my story; I don’t know how God has interacted with you at your moments of deepest grief and its aftermath. Maybe He has been completely silent. Maybe He has sent other people, flesh and blood, to care for you. Maybe He has allowed other hardships to come. 

What I do know is this: God has already given us the reason to hope–His divine Son, resurrected from the dead, and seated on a Heavenly throne. We need only look to Him, and the rest will follow.

Kelly is the Ministry Support Lead for Hope Mommies. She and her husband Dan live in Brenham, TX with their two earthside children, Annabelle and Eli (and lots of pets). Their firstborn, William, went to Heaven in July 2017. To balance out the fullness of life, Kelly enjoys gardening, yoga, and sipping on some matcha while reading historical fiction. She considers herself beyond privileged to share the amazing news of Jesus’ Hope to all who need it, and loves that William gets to be a part of that message.