The Heart of Grief

Is grief an appropriate emotion for a Christian to display? The short answer is: yes. In response to grief I often hear some version of the phrase, “We miss our loved one, but we know where they are and we will see them again.” While this truth can certainly anchor our hope, I think sometimes this phrase can unknowingly revoke a person’s right to grieve and feel the true weight of loss. Grief is an entirely natural, normal, and dare I say good response to loss. We see it modeled many times in the Bible, even by God himself. But just like any emotion, it has the ability to run rampant and take over our minds and hearts. Grief is an emotion we should neither be ruled by, nor flee from. So how do we find that balance?

How and when does God express grief?

We see God “grieved…to his heart” in Genesis 6:6 following the spread of wickedness before the flood. After the fall of Adam and Eve to sin, God no longer walked face to face among man. The sin that separated Adam and Eve from Eden also separated them physically from God. The distance between man and God continued as humanity strayed further from God’s ways. I believe it was that separation ignited by sin, and the subsequent change in the reality of God’s relationship with man, that grieved Him so. No longer was that relationship face to face and intimate as it had been intended. It was the death of what had once been so beautiful. In the darkness of that separation, God cradled humanity’s hope and carried it in an ark to a new place to flourish. He used Noah and his family to grow new life out of darkness.

In the New Testament, we see Jesus grieve over his friend Lazarus’ death just moments before He brings Lazarus back to life (John 1:35). Was He weeping for the pain Martha and Mary were experiencing? Was He weeping for His own momentary separation from Lazarus? Even though Jesus knew Lazarus would be alive and well in minutes, He wept. He knew for a fact that He would “see him again,” yet He grieved. Jesus also wept in the Garden of Gethsemane, begging God to “take this cup from [him]” (Matthew 26:39). He grieved the approaching sacrifice, but ultimately choses to obey God’s will.

When Jesus yields His spirit and dies on the cross, the veil of the Temple tore in two (Matthew 27:51). The tearing of this curtain immediately brings to my mind the multitude of occurrences in the Bible where mourners tore their clothes to express utter despair and grief (Rueben, Jacob, David, Job, Elisha, and Paul to name a few). The tearing of garments in this way served as a visceral release of heartache, a sign to the outside world of their deep grief, and a willful acknowledgment of vulnerability. There was no hiding their feelings behind the veil of a garment.

The tearing of the Temple veil signified the removal of a barrier between God and man. No more sacrifices, no more altars, no more separation. A joyous reconciliation had ocured. However, it can also remind us of this traditional response to grief. The Son had been crucified, and God rent His garment in grief while tearing down the barrier between Himself and mankind, redeeming His relationship with them through Christ. Vulnerability often begets connection. Letting yourself be vulnerable in grief has a way of letting others in.

These examples of divine grief in the Bible remind us that it is okay and even right to grieve loss and separation. The separation that death brings should grieve our hearts, make us weep, lead us to cry out to God, and make us want to rend our garments as a sign to all that we are grieving. These stories also tell us that separation does not have the final say in Christ. He is a light in the darkness, growing new life from the most desolate of ashes.

Looking at how the Father and Son grieve is all well and good, but how can we who are crushed in spirit emulate this strength and wisdom in our own grief? What are some practical checks and balances we can look for to help us heal in a healthy way?

In what ways can grief lead you to sin?

Warning flags in grief can come from anything that increases separation between you and God. Bitterness was something I struggled with for years after my firstborn passed due to Trisomy 18, and it took me a long time to realize that my bitter spirit served as a wall between me and God. Thankfully, the Lord tore down that wall brick by brick. I want to emphasize here that I did not tear that wall down on my own. If left to myself, I would probably still be bitter. Thankfully God didn’t stop pursuing me even when I stopped pursuing Him.

Other times, mourners may use their emotional vulnerability as an excuse to treat themselves or others poorly by abusing substances, being short with loved ones, or giving in to sinful anger. When you endure a loss, there’s no sense in causing further separation and grief by hurting those around you.

Grief can also become an idol of sorts. The person who was lost can take on more importance and power in your life than God himself. When you feel these inclinations creeping in on your grief, let it be a sign to turn your face to God, apologize, and let Him help you carry the heavy weight you bear.

How can you express grief the way God intended you to?

Find a good friend or counselor to talk through your grief with. Let your body feel the reality of your grief. Don’t deny it. Cry when you need to. If you don’t acknowledge your grief and let it out in a healthy way, you’ll find it has the uncanny ability to express itself when and how you least want it to.

Let the pain of death’s separation spur you on to love those around you more deeply for the time you have together. You are keenly aware of the sting of death, let it also make you keenly aware of the gift of love, life, and relationship. Nourish the good in your life.

In the pit of grief, I felt the most emptied of myself that I had ever felt. I didn’t have much of a desire to do anything. My hopes, my wishes, my desires were dashed. One thing that helped fill my heart back up was service to others. Let the emptiness of grief transform you into a vessel to serve, listen, and comfort others with the comfort you have received from God (2 Corinthians 1:4).

Finally, I pray that you would turn towards God in your grief. You might not have the strength of faith to take big, bold steps towards Him, but He is already with you, even among the ashes. Don’t move away from Him or build walls that separate. Take your hurt, your anger, your questions, your hopes, your bitterness to God. They are too heavy to carry alone. He is strong, able, and ready to help you carry your grief even as He holds you in His arms. Be truthful and honest with God like Job, lament like the Psalmist, pour out your soul before the Lord and weep bitterly like Hannah (1 Samuel 1:10, 15). God can handle your grief, if you bring it to Him.

Sarah Padilla is a mom, wife, and dance teacher from Magnolia, Texas. She’s been married to her high school sweetheart, Kyle, for nearly eight years. They have a two-year-old son named Kirk and two babes in heaven.

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