Rachel’s Story

2022 was a year of loss for my family. We lost a job, friends, a church we called family, our home, and our four babies in two pregnancies. My husband got a job in another state and lived apart from our living children and I for three months. When it came time to leave our home, my heart felt the grief all over again. The waves crashed hard and strong. I was leaving the only home, my babies knew, although they had only been in the womb. We lost two pregnancies, our girls, Eba, River, and Vale in April, and then Karad in October. I lost the girls at the end of our first trimester, and Karad at the eight week mark. All four of them only knew this home.

I had spent six weeks with the most grueling motion sickness, excited as can be for what we thought was our fourth baby. It took all my strength to leave the house, and when I finally did it was Easter of 2022. I didn’t know that was my last day before finding out we had three babies in my womb. It was also the day we first learned there were no heartbeats. Two days later we got it reconfirmed, no heartbeats. Due to unforeseen (by the human eye) circumstances, I almost died three weeks later and had to recover in this home after losing my girls.

When we were preparing to leave this house my heart grieved. Where would the reminders of my babies be now? When I walked through this home I remembered something at each turn from both my pregnancies—whether it was the morning sickness, the sharing with our families, a dinner I struggled to eat and the nausea gave away my pregnancy secret with Karad, or the trembling fear I felt when I was pregnant with Karad. I desperately wanted to be excited, but I couldn’t fully be. When we lost him I felt like it was just a big ol’ gut punch again.

I felt God telling me that He would take care of the reminders, the memories. In fact, as we waited for our family to be reunited again after beginning a new journey of transitioning to another state, people around me kept telling me that God was taking care of everything. It really irked me sometimes. There was a lot going on in this season, and I felt like with everything else happening in our lives, would my babies be overlooked or forgotten? This question was heavy on my heart. Would I have to do the hard and uncomfortable thing of always bringing them up for the rest of my life?

I felt God’s comfort when I went to the Hope Mommies Retreat in 2023. I got to talk about my babies. People knew them, knew them by name. I didn’t have to bring them up and get past any awkwardness. It was the most beautiful weekend in the middle of such an eventful year in my life. I could see God’s faithfulness in the Hope Mommies community.

Yet, despite the craziness of being apart from my husband for three months, I still wondered what it would be like moving to a new place and being a part of a new community, and what it would mean for the memories of my babies in heaven. We had a difficult search for a home and eventually we found the home that we’re in now as I write this. We’ve been here for ten days!

Upon my arrival at our new house, God provided an answer to my prayer for the preservation of my babies memories. I drove up and saw marigolds lining the front of the house. These flowers reminded me of Karad. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect as we were closely approaching his due date.

The following day, God answered my prayer once again. The people that sold us our home surprised us with a housewarming gift that was crafted after a little Social Media deep diving. God showed them exactly what to do. They made us a sign including all of our names, even Eba, River, Vale, and Karad. I ugly cried and was overjoyed. I knew that the God I had been clinging to and putting my trust in would indeed protect the memory of my babies, and He really did.

A lot of people say the first year after loss is the hardest, and in some ways this has been true for me. While I don’t think I fully know what it’s like to only be focused on grieving the loss of our babies since so much happened to my family in that one year, I can attest to God’s faithfulness through it all.

He promises to hold us. He promises to comfort us. He promises to shoulder our burdens. He cares for all that weighs on our hearts. He provides. He provided me with friends that walked with me, cried with me, and grieved with me. He provided a friend who introduced me to Hope Mommies which has been an answer to many prayers I have cried. He provided a refuge and a safe place for me in the form of other ladies in my online Hope Group. He has provided a Living Hope found in Jesus. God cares for us and our babies on this side of heaven too.

I’m grateful that He’s given me another opportunity to preserve their memories by sharing their story with you, another mama who also had to walk this hard journey too.

I am a Pastor’s Wife and mama to eight. Tobias, Sawyer, Galen are my earthly boys. Eba, River, Vale are my heavenly girls, and Karad is my heavenly boy. We also recognize the new life that is growing within me now. We just moved to Bethany, Oklahoma, and are so excited to see what journey the Lord has before us. We also homeschool and love a Harry Potter marathon.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.