Testimony {Rhiannon’s Retreat Experience}

When I first heard about the Hope Mommies retreat, I felt in my heart that I had to go.  I wanted to connect with other moms like me, to hear that I wasn’t alone in my grief.  But I will admit, as the time got closer, and especially in the week leading up to the retreat, I was a bit afraid of how much it would hurt being there. I was only 5 months out from losing our daughter at 35 weeks after 2 years of trying and 2 previous miscarriages, and I had just found out that I would be walking through secondary infertility. I wasn’t sure if it would be too painful to dredge all that up for an entire weekend; I worried I would leave just feeling sad but nothing else. My husband pushed me to go because, knowing me sometimes better than I know myself, he was sure the retreat would be healing for me. I live in Dallas, so I was able to drive down for the retreat, and I decided to use that alone time to process my feelings and have some me time before I got there.

My first thought when I pulled into the retreat location was how peaceful and beautiful it is. It felt like just what my raw heart needed, being surrounded by God’s splendor and away from the noise of the city. When it was time to check-in, I was met by the smiling kind faces of people who knew my name—that one small thing made me feel so cared for!  And as I stood there looking around at all the other women, I remember thinking, there are so many of us, and the rest of these women look so normal.  That may seem like a strange thought, but since my daughter’s death I’d felt changed in a way that I thought must show on the outside; it was like her death had marked me as broken, faulty, and defective. It felt so reassuring to look around at the other women and realize they also knew the same heartache I did.

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I feel like it would take a novel to include all the things I loved about the retreat!

– Rhiannon, Hope Mom to Baby Heisenberg, Baby Jesse, and Violet Catherine

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The rooms there are so sweetly decorated that they feel very homey, and I realized pretty quickly that I didn’t need to be nervous about having roommates and meeting new women. I was touched that the Hope Mommies staff placed me in a room with 3 other women who lost their babies far along in their pregnancy or after delivery. I felt like we all immediately bonded over our different, yet similar, experiences. It was the first time I’d been able to talk to anyone in person who had been through what I had, and it felt like, for the first time, someone truly understood me without having to explain.

The Hope Mommies staff did an amazing job with the little details, creating so many special opportunities for us to be blessed. They made a prayer room where you could have some quiet time, and along one full wall, they hung all the pictures of our babies. I loved the wailing wall in the prayer room, where you could voice your anger or frustration on notes on the wall—it felt good to see that I wasn’t the only one who struggled with anger and hurt toward God. They hung sweet signs with all our babies’ names along an entire wall in one of the common areas, and it was like balm to my heart to see all my babies’ names written out and displayed so everyone could see. They also set up envelopes, one for each of us, so we could leave each other notes of encouragement and love throughout the weekend. On top of all this, we had gift bags full of goodies on our beds and little gifts waiting for us throughout the weekend. I felt so cherished by all this love!

During our small group time, we got to tell our stories and connect in really meaningful ways.  I soon learned that rather than feeling overwhelmed by reliving my painful road, I got to let out my hurt and be comforted by women who knew my heart. As I listened to their stories, even though different from mine, I could relate and understand. My small group leader was wonderful, as were the other women, and we had some really authentic conversations during our weekend together. I never realized how good it felt to be really understood! We also had opportunities for break out time in small groups for specific topics. I chose the group for infertility and got to share my fears with women who were walking a similar road.

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It felt so good to be in a place where I could speak the names of my children and not see people cringe, where it wasn’t awkward for me to talk about them like the real people they are.

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I feel like it would take a novel to include all the things I loved about the retreat!  Our speaker, who was amazing and wise; the beautiful worship music that spoke to my soul; the balloon release, where I got to write a mom’s love letter to my babies; our crowns of beauty we made from flowers… There were so many special moments.  I think above all, it felt so good to be in a place where I could speak the names of my children and not see people cringe, where it wasn’t awkward for me to talk about them like the real people they are. As a Hope Mom with no living children, I have so few opportunities to say their names out loud or see them written down, and being able to do that so freely spoke volumes to my hurting mama heart. I feel like I also reconnected with God in a more intimate way, and I got to pour my heart out to Him. I still keep in touch with moms I met at the retreat, and I can’t wait to go back again next year. For that weekend, it felt like I’d found a home with these other women, a safe place to feel loved and to give love back.

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I also reconnected with God in a more intimate way, and I got to pour my heart out to Him.

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Registration for the Hope Mommies Retreat is now open, with early bird pricing! The retreat will be returning to Camp Tejas in Giddings, Texas on March 10-12. Learn more –> HERE

 

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