Ten Years Later
It can often seem as though you will always be drowning beneath the acute pain of loss. However, while our grief never truly ends, it doesn’t always look and feel the same way. In this series, our writers speak from where they are now in their grief, _________ years later. Throughout this series, you will find testimonies of how grief changes us, and how God uses our heartache to shape us into a greater reflection of His image.
I’m not a fan of waiting rooms. Shocker. After all, who doesn’t love waiting around a long period of time for an appointment you’re probably not thrilled about in the first place? The dentist, the doctor, the DMV…no thank you! Among the very few exceptions are ultrasound appointments. Well, ultrasounds before becoming a Hope Mom.
I still remember those final moments of bliss. I had worn a pink, long-sleeved shirt in hopes my ultrasound would reveal I was carrying a little sister for our one and a half year old son. My husband had taken off from work early to meet me, and we were making small talk in the waiting room, excitedly counting down the minutes until we saw our baby-to-be on the screen. My name was called, and twenty minutes later we received the news that our baby had serious problems with her brain and limbs. Almost as an afterthought on her way out the door, the technician told us, “Oh, and it’s a girl.” I threw my pink shirt away at the end of the day.
As I’m writing this article, I am sitting in my doctor’s waiting room, just down the hall from where I received that earth shattering news ten years ago. I am also only one building over from where I delivered my precious daughter, Kinley, who lived all of her 44 days in the NICU.
10 YEARS
After Kinley died, it felt like I was stuck in a waiting room, or a “Waiting Place.” Do you remember that term from good ol’ Dr. Seuss? In his book “Oh, the Places You’ll Go!” he talks about the Waiting Place—for people just waiting. Some of the things are funny that people are waiting on: the snow to snow, or their hair to grow. But mixed into the silly is the serious: a Yes or No, a better break, or another chance. And I was waiting too.
Waiting on the autopsy report.
Waiting on the tears to stop.
Waiting on the insurance paperwork to resolve.
Waiting on my anger to cease.
Waiting for God to answer.
Waiting for my pain to end.
There are two important things I learned about the Waiting Place:
- It’s necessary.
- It’s transitional
The Waiting Place is necessary because it forces you to sit quietly and listen. In actual waiting rooms, you sit quietly and listen because you don’t want the other people to think you’re crazy. But it’s also because you’re listening for your name to be called. You can be certain that in this Waiting Place, God will call your name. He will use this quiet time to speak to you, to pour into your heart encouragement and hope.
“But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31
You see, out of all the things I was waiting for, what my soul desired above all else was God. He was the One that would accomplish all the rest—drying my tears, extinguishing my anger, granting peace over reports and forms, and turning despair to hope. The waiting was necessary for healing my heart.
“Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for Him.” Isaiah 64:4
Although the Waiting Place is essential, you must remember that it’s transitional. While you always should be in a state where you listen for God’s voice, you have to move forward into action. Just as a nurse calls you out of the waiting room in for your appointment, God is calling you to an appointment as well. He may be calling you to:
- Return to church
- Forgive someone who hurt you
- Try to conceive again
- Accept your family as complete
- Reconnect with your spouse
- Plug into a ministry or service organization
- Reach out to someone who is hurting
- Join a Bible study
- Laugh and enjoy life again
- Use your story to encourage others
“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light.” 1 Peter 2:9
God has a purpose for your life, and He accomplishes this not just through your passions but your pains as well. Ten years ago, my world was shattered, but not beyond God’s repair. As He pieced my heart together, God added depth to my faith and gave me a greater empathy for hurting people. He gave me a stronger love and connection with my husband and a deeper appreciation for my family and friends. God provided opportunities to share my story and the hope I have in Him. I can honestly echo Job’s words after ten years since losing Kinley, “The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised” (Job 1:21).
Have you been in this Waiting Place my friend? Are you there right now? How I wish I could hold your hand, look you in the eye, and tell you that you are not alone. For those of you who feel trapped in this Waiting Place—stuck in this immobilizing grief— remember that God is with you. Listen for His voice leading the way out of despair and into hope.
Ten years is a long time. But it doesn’t come close to comparing to the eternity I will have with my daughter and Lord.
“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:4
- Stephanie
Hope Mom to Kinley
Stephanie Blanks is married to Matt and has four children: Lyston (9), Kinley (who went home to Jesus in 2011), Levi (6), and Leighton (4). Stephanie works at the Chamber of Commerce in her small town of Hondo, TX. She enjoys singing in her church praise band, running, reading, and spending time with her family at the lake. You can read more from Stephanie on her blog.
Are you a writer who would like to join the blog team? Learn more and apply here.
Got something to say?