163 results for tag: Ashlee

Dear Simeon: A Letter to My Hope Baby

Simeon, How can I even begin to tell you how grateful I am to be your mother? You are so loved and so missed. My heart aches at the thought of the many, many moments I have longed to share with you on this side of eternity. Your absence is felt every day—in every family picture, on every vacation, throughout each holiday. How I long to look into your beautiful eyes, see your smile, hear the sound of your laughter, wrap you all up in my arms. Someday, my sweet boy. Someday. Looking in at our household full of boys, I am sure some might assume that one more boy added into all this rumpus and chaos wouldn't really change the dynamic of our home. But ...

The Gift of Steadfastness

In the year that King Uzziah died I saw the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up; and the train of His robe filled the temple. Above Him stood the seraphim. Each had six wings: with two he covered his face, and with two he covered his feet, and with two he flew. And one called to another and said: “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts; the whole earth is full of His glory!” And the foundations of the thresholds shook at the voice of him who called, and the house was filled with smoke. And I said: “Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have ...

Receiving More of the Lord

As I look back over the years since I first experienced the devastating loss of two my babies, I can see how I have experienced more of Jesus than I would have been ready to embrace had I not walked through this valley of grief. Because this valley has led me straight to the heart of God, and it has been because of this sorrow that I have been able to, in some small way, identify with Christ’s sorrow. These years have pushed me further and deeper into the embrace of my loving God, and into a position of deep security and peace in the arms of the One who knows what it feels like to be weighed down by grief and pain. So even in this place where tears ...

To Be Known

My daughter was born with her eyes closed. When I recall that painful day sitting in the hospital, counting her precious fingers and toes over and over again while I held her tiny frame in my hands, I wonder what color those little eyes were. I never even got to see my first baby that was born into heaven. There are so many details about my babies that my heart aches to know. I wish I knew what makes them laugh, what their favorite colors are, or if they have dimples when they smile. I wish I knew if they were left-handed like me, or right-handed like their daddy. When I think of all that I don’t know about my precious babies, another layer of ...

He Is Stronger Than My Sorrow

Each grieving mother carries her own unique fears, burdens, and heartaches; and while we all long for the strength to endure the grief and pain that have become a part of our stories, what we envision that strength to look like can be vastly different from one woman to the next. Some of us think that to be strong in grief means not to cry or display weakness. Others believe that strength means being able to keep the details of our lives together and maintain a sense of “normalcy” even when it feels like everything around us is crumbling to the ground. Still others would define strength in the midst of sorrow as the ability to shut off your ...

Through A Wound: A Letter to My Hope Baby

Tomorrow will be nine years without you. Nine years since we found out that we lost and heaven gained. My heart has been a hurricane of emotion through the years, changing direction and intensity without warning or predictability. There have been days when I just couldn’t seem to back away from a cliff edge of grief and pain. And others where I have been gripped by the fear that as time passes and the normalcy of life continues to settle in around me you will be forgotten by others, or your life will be thought less significant. But dear one, I have come to realize that the Lord has done an incredible work in my life throughout the past nine ...

Blessed Are the Persecuted

“Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.” -Matthew 5:10-12 The beatitudes present to us a way of life that is a stark contradiction to our natural responses and inclinations. The first seven beatitudes described a list of characteristics that we ought to pursue as believers. But this last beatitude is quite different than the rest. Rather than telling ...

Letting Go of Entitlement

I sat in the waiting room at the OBGYN office. A few weeks earlier I had received the devastating news that the precious heart cradled in my womb was no longer beating. My body still had not recognized the loss. Each week my uterus continued growing and my hcg levels remained steady. And yet, every subsequent ultrasound yielded the same results: there was so heartbeat. Throughout my wait, multiple women coming and going from their own prenatal appointments loudly complained about the inconvenience of pregnancy. As I listened to them grumble about the sacred gift of being with child, I felt the tight cord of entitlement weave itself firmly around my ...

Blessed Are the Peacemakers

For the past several weeks, we have been going verse by verse through the beatitudes that mark the beginning of Christ’s “Sermon on the Mount,” recorded in the book of Matthew. Each week we have unpacked what it looks like to live in such a way as these verses describe—poor in spirit, spiritually morning over our sins, meek, hungry for righteousness, merciful, and pure of heart.  Today we come to the seventh beatitude: “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.” -Matthew 5:9 Oh! But peace can be so hard to achieve in the tumult of grief. When we are grieving we are more sensitive to the remarks people make, ...

He Holds It All Together

It’s been a messy week. I’m not talking about piles of laundry, sticky spots on the kitchen floor, the layers of dust that have settled on every surface in the house, or the ongoing war in my basement between craft supplies and dress up clothes, (although, all of those things happen to be true). Not the desperately-need-to-vacuum-my-car messy. No, I’m talking about the dish-out-the-ice-cream-so-you-don’t-dish-out-the-guilt sort of messy. Rushing through my Bible reading because I have somewhere else to be Responding curtly to my husband when he gets home from work because the day was full of disappointment Focusing so exclusi...