He Holds It All Together

It’s been a messy week.

I’m not talking about piles of laundry, sticky spots on the kitchen floor, the layers of dust that have settled on every surface in the house, or the ongoing war in my basement between craft supplies and dress up clothes, (although, all of those things happen to be true).

Not the desperately-need-to-vacuum-my-car messy. No, I’m talking about the dish-out-the-ice-cream-so-you-don’t-dish-out-the-guilt sort of messy.

• Rushing through my Bible reading because I have somewhere else to be
• Responding curtly to my husband when he gets home from work because the day was full of disappointment
• Focusing so exclusively on my own grief that I am blind to the suffering of those around me
• Ignoring an opportunity to be a conduit of God’s grace to a friend because my eyes are turned inward

This messiness has left me feeling like Pig Pen with an endless cloud of dust enveloping me. If I am honest with myself, I would say that with all of this mess that has taken up residence in my heart I can’t imagine for the life of me how a holy God could stand to reside there at all.

I keep adding to my mental list of failures and brick by brick I bury myself in guilt. The “should-haves” taunt me. I compare my meager efforts and not-quite successes to other mothers and wives. Along the way, I have somehow morphed all of these other women into one fearsome all-natural, organized, perfectly-toned, submissive, creative, and godly “has it all together” woman that I will never measure up to. So I sit in my messy dust cloud of failure as guilt continues to crush me.

From deep in my heart, my guilt ridicules me as it reminds me of how much I’ve fallen short of the woman I long to be. “She would have spoken gently to her husband. She would have gotten up early to spend time wrestling in prayer for her family. She would have done more in remembrance of her Hope Baby. She isn’t anything like you…”

But in the middle of this self-inflicted condemnation Jesus wades through my mess and whispers, “Child, hope is here.” He hears the cries of my broken, shameful heart and says,

Forgive yourself. I already have.
You don’t have to be perfect. I already am.

And that grace, that Psalm 40:2 lifting-me-out-of-the-mirey-pit grace, washes over me in my weakest moments. His grace finds me when I am hopeless and lost and reminds me of who He is.

I am the renewer of your strength.
I am the shelter from this storm.
I have given you My Spirit to enable to you to accomplish all that I have for you to do.
You are not alone. I am fighting this battle for you.
Lean on me.

I am reminded that my messiness can turn away from defeat if I choose to walk the path that leads to dependence instead. Messiness doesn’t have to mean failure when it leads to deep reliance on God. In fact, messy hearts are ready soil for His mighty works to flourish. As I allow Christ to do His steadfast molding of my heart, He changes me from the inside out.

So, I let God into my mess and invite Him to do the work on the inside that will make me into the woman He has called me to be, to clean out the guilt and transform my heart into a pure dwelling place for my Lord. I remind myself that God doesn’t expect me to be the “has it all together” woman because He wants to “hold it all together” for me.

I rest in this hope—this grace—and forgive myself because I know that He has. As His grace continues to pour out over me, the woman I have been comparing my miserable efforts to falls off the pedestal of perfection, and standing in her place is my Savior. I realize that He alone must be my standard. He is the one I must pattern my life after. He  already begun the good work in my life to make me more like Himself. And He will carry it out until completion.