Shundria’s Story

My husband and I married in 1996. We were living in a one room apartment, and we were so poor. We had our plans. I thought we would be married for a couple of years, then we’d have babies and move into a little house with a white picket fence and a dog. In 1998, we found out I was pregnant and we were so excited. We weren’t really planning for it, but we were so excited that we were going to have a baby. We waited until we were 12 weeks before we told anybody, and we were just loving every second of it.

Around 19 weeks I woke up one morning, went to the bathroom, and I was spotting a little bit. I really didn’t think anything of it, because I just didn’t know. It was my first baby. So I went to the doctor and she’s examining me, and suddenly yells, “Oh my gosh!” Then she gets up and runs out of the room. After what felt like two hours, but was probably more like twenty minutes, I got up, got dressed, and went out to look for her. And I asked, “Can anyone tell me what is going on?” She told me that they were trying to find a way to get me to the hospital because I need to go to the ER.

So I called a friend who came, picked me up, and drove me to the ER. My husband met me there, and I was still trying to figure out why I was there. She hadn’t even told me why I was supposed to go. My husband and I were in the room when the perinatologist came in with his little sonogram. He begins to examine me and does’t say anything. Then he turns off the machine, unplugs it, wrapped the cord back up and says, “Well this is hopeless.  You have an incompetent cervix and your baby is coming out. Just be prepared that your baby is not going to make it.”

Just the day before, everything had been great. That day it was not.

I was in the hospital for a little bit. They put me at an angle, hoping that gravity would pull the baby back in. But at 22 weeks I went into labor, and delivered my baby girl, Grace. I held her, and loved her, and kissed her until her last breath.

After that I thought, “He is a God of love. He is here with me.” That’s all I had heard my whole life, and I believed it. I clung to it. So I thought, “I’m going to be okay. I’ve got this.”

The doctor told me to wait two cycles until we got pregnant again, and so we waited exactly two cycles. When I was about 15 weeks the doctor told me that he was going to sew my cervix closed, and everything was going to be okay. We were going to bring home this baby! At 17 weeks I started spotting again. The same exact thing. The doctor told me that they were going to put me on bedrest and that should work. It didn’t work. At 19 weeks I was back at the hospital, in the bed, upside down. I prayed and cried out to the Lord. “What is going on? What are you doing in my life? Are you good? What are you doing? I believed in you!” When I was 22 weeks, my wonderful baby boy came. I loved him, and I held him until his very last breath. 

And then my world went black.

I began to question everything that I had believed about God. “I thought I knew you!  Who are you? What about Jeremiah 29:11-12? ‘For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.’”

I was driving in the park district in Dallas, and pulled over. I was yelling in my car, “God you told me that you knew the plans you had for me, and that they were good! Who else can I lean on? Who else can I come to with all of my problems? You promised me that your ways are good!”

And the Lord said to me, “Go back and read it again.”

So I went back and studied that Scripture. I had it all wrong. You see, at the time the Israelites were in exile for their disobedience. God had removed them. They had been captured by King Nebuchadnezzar, carried back to Babylon, and were now in captivity that the Lord had allowed. They had been told by a false prophet named Hananiah that their captivity would end in two years—that everything would be fine. Isn’t that the message the world tries to tell us too? “Don’t worry about it. Everything is going to be fine. You’ll be okay, I promise.” But Jeremiah came and told them, “Actually that is not true. You are going to be here for seventy years.”

At that point in my studying I backed up and said, “Lord, you allowed this. You said this to them while they were in captivity, in the middle of their problem.”

That’s exactly where I was. I was in a place where I was facing a problem in my life just like the people of Israel. I was trying to figure out why and what was going on. It shook the core of my faith. I realized that everything I “thought” about God was not enough to get me through. At that point I just thought the Scriptures were cute:

“I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” -Philippians 4:13

“And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 4:19

“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.” -Psalm 23:1

Those were all great. And they are; they are wonderful words. But at that point, I did not know the God that would bring me through this. So this problem shook everything in me. It made me question Him. And let me just tell you—He can handle it.

I grew up being told that you don’t question God. You just nod and say, “Yes, sir.” But I did question, because I realized that this was a God that I did not really know. I had a choice to make. Was I going to just throw up my hands and despair, or get to know the One who could take care of me? I couldn’t throw my hands up in the air, because what would I have left? More grief. More hurt. More pain. I needed to know this God of hope that everyone was talking about.

I believe that my babies are in heaven and in the presence of Jesus, and that makes me smile.  But I couldn’t smile then, because I didn’t know that. I didn’t know the One who strengthens. 

And He said to me, “I know you had plans. But am I not still good? Am I not the same God who saves? Am I not the same God who wipes tears away? Just because my plans don’t always feel good, does not mean that they are not good.”

Every time I went before Him, I had to check my feelings at the door, because feelings will lie to you. My feelings were based on my beliefs. My beliefs dictated my feelings. My feelings dictated my behavior and my responses. So if I believe that God isn’t a good God, that dictates my feelings of doubt, worry, and anxiety, and my behavior of walking away, not opening my Bible, and not going to church. So I had to go back to what I believed.

I knew that if I was going to get through this suffering, I had to trust in God. He allowed it, and He was going to get me through it. If He allowed this in my life, and I think He is good, and I believe that all things work together for good as Scripture says, then that same God was going to get me through.

I cried out to God, “You’re it! Without you I have nothing—I have no hope.” What is there without Him? What is left besides anguish, grief, or depression? I chose hope. Every single day, all day long, I will choose hope. I’m going to choose the One who says there is life eternal, and that my babies are there living, and I will see them again one day. I get to see them again! That brings tears to my eyes, because I can’t wait.

So I chose to say to God, “Though you slay me, yet will I trust you. If I never have another baby, yet will I trust you.” How scary it is to say that. Lord, I don’t know how this is all going to work out, but I thank you that you are good and that your promises are true. 

I love tapestries. My grandmother had a couple of them. But I always didn’t understand when I went around and looked at the back of them. They were a mess! And that is how it is with the Lord. As He is weaving together the threads of our lives, we just see the individual threads on the back, but there is a thing of beauty on the other side! His perspective is different than ours, and He is weaving these threads into something beautiful!

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I am a wife to my best friend, Chris and the mother of 6 wonderful children. Three are here in my arms, and three have the privilege of living in the presence of Jesus. Both my husband and I are licensed professional counselors and live outside of Dallas, Texas. I enjoy walking with other moms who are grieving the loss of their precious babies. My counseling practice is focused on guiding others with the truth of God’s Word into the hope and freedom that is promised through Christ. Most of my days are spent cooking, cleaning, and chauffeuring kids around.

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