Megan’s Story

Two Octobers ago we were living in Colorado when I had my first positive pregnancy test. My husband Ryan and I had been praying for a child. While we were both so excited, I could not shake the feeling that something might not have been right. Ryan had to leave for military training for the early months of my pregnancy, and that didn’t help. I struggled with antepartum depression and had only just come out of the woods when Ryan was finally able to come back, just in time for us to learn that our first baby was a little girl! We named her Eden Olivia. A few weeks later at Eden’s anatomy scan, the technician had to step away to get the doctor and I immediately knew that my early fears were founded.

 

The doctor came in to explain that they had found what looked like a Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia. This is where the diaphragm does not close properly, leaving space for abdominal organs to rise into the chest cavity. The main concern is the growth of the lungs. CDH is usually manageable with surgery but 50% of the 1 in 2,500 babies diagnosed per year die from complications. We were hopeful even with that statistic. However, after a few more weeks of testing, ultrasounds, echocardiograms, MRI’s etc., we were in Denver at the Children’s Hospital on March 6, 2015 when we were told that Eden had a Bilateral CDH. This form is extremely rare and fatal outside of the womb. Eden had virtually no lung capacity as her liver, intestines, stomach, and spleen were all entirely in her chest cavity. We chose to carry Eden for as much time as God would allow us, and we would deliver her into palliative care at the local army hospital where she would only know our love for her whole life. I didn’t understand what God was doing (and I still don’t), but I knew who He was and so I had no choice but to trust Him.

 

My pregnancy was uneventful with the exception of polyhydramnios, which was confirmation that Eden didn’t have enough lung capacity to swallow her fluid. Ryan and I made it a point to create as many memories with Eden as possible and we talked to her often. My mom came to live with us a while and I got BIG and pregnant. We could all feel and see her moving and she was so feisty. She loved peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and milkshakes. We planned a funeral for our daughter who was still very much alive. I was induced on June 25 since our family was in town. After a long labor and a three-hour delivery, she was born on June 26 at 10:40 a.m. For forty minutes, we sang and read to her, our family met her and our chaplain dedicated her back to the Lord. She never cried and she went so peacefully. We held her and spent time with her for the next 24 hours before we parted. I will never forget how it felt to walk out of the hospital with no car seat and no baby.

 

We flew Eden home to be buried in our hometown. We held her viewing and opened it to the public, where more than 450 people attended. We were shocked! We had no idea that her story had touched so many. We were showered with love and prayers and someone told me that I needed to get connected with Hope Mommies. We stayed busy at home that week, and flew home the day after her private funeral. When I landed, I had a notification that my friend who also carried her son to birth (he and Eden were born within days of each other) had added me to the Hope Mommies community.

 

I was so thankful to be plugged into a biblically sound group—one that focused on the hope of Heaven. Those impossible early days of first-timer grief were only endured because of Christ. I know this for a fact because I tried everything and the only comfort was the knowledge that He held my baby girl and she was perfect and healed. I clung to Jesus in the months of deep grief and postpartum depression and Hope Mommies was a wonderful avenue to become closer to Him and to other mamas hurting with me.  I began to find solace in the fellowship and was able to start writing again as well as channeling my pain in to making art.

 

Ryan and I had always wanted children close in age and as many as we could have.  So in November we prayerfully decided to “see what happens.” I had another positive test on New Years Day, 2016. I was fearful and hopeful, and again had a bad feeling. I immediately told Ryan, “he’s a boy, and he isn’t ours to keep either.” We announced on January 4, and on January 5 I had begun bleeding. Ryan and I sat in the emergency room and my fears were confirmed again, I was miscarrying my second child.

 

The only thing I could say was, “I’m so mad.” And I said it out loud so that I could be ‘sure’ that God would hear me.

 

I continued, “I can’t take anymore.”

 

Two days later, I received a call from the CHERUBS President (CDH Research, Awareness, Support) to inform me that a woman in North Dakota had been using pictures of Eden to pass off a fake pregnancy and stillbirth. In the middle of loosing our second child, evil came in and broke our hearts. I grew angrier at God for allowing such pain to enter our lives. About a week after that, though, my very generous friend and fellow Hope Mom called to tell me she and her mother were sending me to the Hope Mommies Retreat. Satan worked to keep me away from the retreat but I attended, not knowing what to expect. At the retreat, my heart was opened to cry out the anger and pain and confusion. We sang “Though You Slay Me”, and it was the most authentic worship experience I have ever committed to the Lord. Being surrounded by other hurting mamas reminded me that I am never alone in this grief. I came home from the retreat and we named our second child “Errol,” which means, “to wander,” and I finally allowed myself to recognize that I had lost another child. I came to terms with the fact that I get no free pass and that God is ultimately in control of how many children, if any, we have.

 

A few weeks after that, I was surprised to have another positive pregnancy test. This time I felt calm, peace, and joy over this third pregnancy. We were looking forward to welcoming a baby in November. I was feeling movements in addition to the very strong nausea and other pregnancy symptoms. Baby loved spicy chips and was getting most active at lunch time. At a routine appointment when I was 15 weeks, however, I saw that our third baby had no heartbeat. Ryan was away for training again and he was flown home immediately to be with me. We were in shock and horror that we lost a third baby.  It was different this time, though, because I was able to have support from my fellow Hope Mommies all through this experience. God sent us His love in the form of company.  I was induced and our son Mason Gregory was born to us on May 19, 2015 at 9:50 p.m. and we were able to hold and spend time with him until the next day as well.

 

I don’t have enough time (and I’ve taken up my word count) to tell you about all the ways God’s grace has shone through in the most trying times of our lives. I can start by just saying that Hope Mommies has been a blessing many times over and we have both been blessed by the fellowship and the love that only the community that knows how you feel can provide. I wish I had a pretty ribbon to tie around this story, that it were wrapped up with a living child and all of this were a dream. But we accept that even if our story never ends in a living child, we have three beautiful babies waiting on us on the other side of the veil. God is faithful in His promises to me. I know this because I have walked the deepest pain three times over and He has not once left nor forsaken me. He holds our three children and He holds us too.  I am thankful to be chosen for this story and thankful that I get to share it.

– Megan

Hope Mom to Eden, Baby Errol, & Mason

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog! Every Saturday we feature a Hope Mom’s story in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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