Jean’s Story

Memories can be triggered by sights, sounds, or smells. Every time I see a Hershey’s bar, I think of my dad. He loved them! A good memory – along with the pain of the loss.

We never know when a memory will be brought to mind. A recent memory was triggered by a place. This memory goes back 33 years.

A friend had been on bed rest due to bleeding and early contractions at 24.5 weeks. We got the news (amazing how with social media and texting you hear about things as they are happening!) that her water broke and she would deliver that day – at 27 weeks. We were still at a church ministry event when my friend’s Oma (German for grandmother) received the first pictures. He was beautiful at 2.9 lbs.!

Later that day, Oma and I went to see our friend. Still not really putting it together, I was excited to be able to go see her at the hospital. We parked and walked into the hospital, went up the elevator to the maternity ward – and the NICU. That’s when the memories started coming back.  Suddenly I was back to 33 years ago – to when I delivered at the same hospital. Was on the same floor. The same NICU. Different circumstances.

It was our first pregnancy. We were surprised and excited! I went the whole 40 weeks and went into labor on Christmas Night 1982. I didn’t believe I was really in labor but my husband – Phil – was sure of it, so we prepared for labor and later headed to the hospital – but not quite yet. As time went on that night, my labor pains did start coming closer together, but seemed to become less and less intense. This being my first, I didn’t think too much of it – then. I seemed to go through transition (advanced labor) at home – even though I knew my water hadn’t broken – so my husband called the doctor. He said to get to the hospital. So we packed up and headed out – scared and excited at the same time. We would see our baby today!

We got to the hospital and I was checked and settled in for the long haul. But things did not progress as they should have. Contractions continued as they had been – to the point that I really didn’t feel them.  My very loving and aware husband watched the monitors. At one point he said he would be right back and left the room. I later found out that the baby’s monitor was dropping – he had gone to get the doctor. The baby was in distress and it was discovered the baby was breach.  Suddenly were being told I would have an emergency C-section.

As we rested, waiting for our time in the OR, I was scared and excited. Scared for the surgery and excited not only that labor would be over but that we would see our baby soon!

I was wheeled into the OR. Phil was not able to be with me since it was an emergency. I laid there on the table shaking uncontrollably. They took my arms and secured them down on the table. Within a short time, the baby was born. A boy! I heard him try to cry and it didn’t sound right. Then I heard the pediatrician come to my OB and say, very very quietly and controlled, that they were going to take the baby out for tests. Then, suddenly, I was asleep.

My husband, in the waiting room, saw a small isolette being run from the OR. A nurse called to him saying, “If you want to see your son, run along side us – he is headed to the NICU.” So that was his first view of our firstborn – our son – Jason Philip.

I woke up in recovery to see my doctor standing next to my bed and my husband sitting next to me, holding my hand. The doctor was saying that our son would not live. I was still very groggy from the surgery, so I thought I hadn’t heard him right. Would not live? What?!? Why?  We were then informed that he had something called Potter’s Syndrome. The doctor explained that where the babies kidneys should have been, he had just cysts. And because babies’ kidneys release fluid into the amniotic sack, which the baby takes in to complete the lungs, his lungs were not complete. That was why I could not hear him cry just after birth. And that was why my water never broke – there wasn’t any.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Not going to live? I asked about a kidney transplant. That wasn’t an option due to the condition of the lungs. I started crying. I don’t remember much after that, as I was dealing with after surgery sleepiness.  Sleep has always been my way of coping with stress. But this was drug induced. I wanted to talk with my husband. I wanted to understand what was going on. But I slept.

I was wheeled to a room. We called my dad and stepmom. They were going to come to the hospital. Phil met them at the NICU and they scrubbed and got ready to go in and see him. Then Phil said, “Jean needs to see this baby.” So they prepared me to go to the NICU.

I was wheeled in on a gurney.  My first view of my son who was all attached to machines helping him breath and various other things was – beautiful!  I didn’t see the tubes.  All I saw was this beautiful, handsome boy!  He looked just like his daddy! One of the nurses was kind enough to take a picture of the 3 of us – our little family. Our only family photo with him. We were parents.

That moment when you first see your child is wonderful, sweet, precious, and awe-inspiring – that the God of the universe made this sweet little one. Jason was perfect to look at. Made in the image of God.  I will never forget that moment – it seemed it was just the 3 of us there – a short time to be together.

I don’t know how long we stayed but eventually I was taken back to my room. We were given updates as to how Jason was doing. We knew it wouldn’t be long before we got that final call. We did – 7 ½ hours after birth, our son went into the arms of the One who made him.  I don’t remember if I cried at the time. But I know I have since.

I don’t understand the purposes of God. I struggled a lot with the “whys” of this. Why us? Why him? I still, 33 years later, do not know why He allowed this. But He did. He has His reasons. I’ve questioned. But I trust. My husband and I are stronger in our relationship with each other and with God because of this, and other things, that have happened in our 36 years together. I thank Him every day for His blessings.

Going back to the memory triggered by being in the same hospital – while I waited in the maternity waiting room (which was where Phil had waited year ago), I was able to talk with another mom whose first child was currently in the NICU. They didn’t know how his story was going to unfold. I let her talk. Funny how because of an event so long ago, I felt bonded with this woman and what she was going through. I was able to pray with her.

I have often wondered – was this the answer to my “whys?” That God would allow this to happen so that I could understand the pain another mother goes through at the loss of her infant?  The loss of the dreams for that child?  The grief and the questioning.  They say that until you walk in someone else’s shoes you won’t truly understand. I understand because I have been there.I can pray for other couples going through a birth that wasn’t what they had expected because I have been there and have come out on the other side – not ever forgetting, but using the experience to help another.

I have learned that God is good.  He is there.  Always.  Loving, caring, and seeing.

I am thankful for the memory that was triggered by a visit to a hospital.  I am thankful for the memory of my son – Jason Philip. Complete and whole.

And I am thankful for a God who loves and never leaves and is there in the midst of a pain that cannot be described, but is felt in the deepest places of our being.

Even in the NICU 33 years later. Healing continues.

“There will be a day

With no more pain” (Jeremy Camp)

– Jean

Hope Mom to Jason Philip

 

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog! Every Saturday we feature a Hope Mom’s story in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here:

 

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