Jennifer’s Story

“My story is not over.” This phrase keeps coming back to mind as I try to find adequate words to honor God through the loss of our sweet Hayden. God is not yet done with me. I don’t know what God has planned for my future, but I do know that He is sovereign and His purpose for my life is far better than anything I could ever plan on my own.

In early November 2016, we found out that we were expecting our fifth child. We were a little surprised because we hadn’t been trying, but we quickly embraced God’s little blessing. I called my midwife; she scheduled my first appointment for January 4 and told me to call or text if I needed her before then. I’d had four healthy “textbook” pregnancies, so I told her that I would—but at this point being pregnant was an old hat and I didn’t expect any issues. Little did I know I would come to regret those words less than six weeks later.

At 9.5 weeks, I had some spotting but didn’t think much of it because it was only a tiny bit and nothing that I hadn’t experienced before. I rested as much as I could but went on with life as usual. Over the weekend I continued spotting but it was still very light. When I woke up on the following Tuesday, I was bleeding more significantly—so I reluctantly sent a text to the midwife. She sent me to have an ultrasound. The tech was kind. She searched and searched for a heartbeat, trying to not give up hope. But my heart already knew…my baby was gone. My baby was gone, yet still there. She talked to me and gave me information, but I remember none of it. I was numb. I got in the truck to head home and God gave me a song. He gave me David Dunn’s “I Wanna Go Back.” The chorus summed up all of my thoughts and feelings so perfectly that this moment has been etched into my memory. I wanted nothing more than to go back to innocence, back to before my heart was broken into a million tiny pieces, back to when my baby was alive.

Over the next several days, I struggled to do much more than exist. I couldn’t find joy in anything. I wanted to be able to grieve for my baby, but I couldn’t because my body was still hanging on. Finally, on December 24, Christmas Eve, Hayden’s body was born into this world even though he had already been born into heaven. I felt both relieved and devastated.

The days and weeks following our loss were some of the darkest of my life, but God used (and continues to use) them to draw me near and sculpt my heart and my life. He surrounded us with such wonderful people who prayed fervently for us and with us when we needed it most. It’s difficult to describe how I simultaneously felt those prayers and my despair. God used those prayers to lift me out of the darkness that had surrounded me. Romans 12:12 says, “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” Through losing Hayden, God has taught me many things. He taught me to draw nearer to Him than I’ve ever been because I cannot stand on my own. He has made Himself known even when His will is not mine—even when His answers to my prayers are not the answers I wanted. He has taught me to try to be patient and wait for more of His plan to unfold. He has taught me that, even though my heart will never be the same after losing a child, there is hope in Him. He has taught me how important grace is. In the time since I miscarried, I have thrown many fits during my talks with God. I have not earned His grace, yet He gives it to me. He has taught me to find peace with His plan, despite the pain.

God will continue teaching me how to navigate life and grief among many other things until He calls me home. He will not cease because I am His and He says my story is not over. Isaiah 43:1-4 says that we are His people and He has called us by name; He will not forsake us; He loves us. As much as I love my son and long to be with him, God loves and longs for me many times over. God has not abandoned me, but carried me through the toughest time in my life, because He loves me. This is why I know my story is not over.

I may not know His plans for my future, but I am sure that this will bring glory to God. I know that He will sustain me through it all. He knows my tears. He knows my pain. When I couldn’t see through the darkness, He knew and brought me light. I just had to lean on Him and trust that “He will have compassion according to the abundance of His steadfast love” (Lamentations 3:32). Even though He allowed this immense grief to enter my life, He still loves me and has greater plans that require this to be my path. It was uncomfortable to be open and grieve, but I didn’t want to stay in the darkness that had surrounded me. I wanted to be able to feel joy again and to begin healing. I didn’t realize that, to do this, I would have to step out of my comfort zone and be open about my story. Through all of my discomfort, suffering, and healing I have not walked alone. God has always been by my side.

This is not the road I would have chosen, but I am choosing to praise God in spite of my suffering. Some days, it’s harder to find the joy than others. Some days, my sorrow is palpable. Other days, I find great peace knowing that Hayden is being held and loved unconditionally by the Lord. Because of God’s faithfulness, grace, and abounding love for me especially through my pain, I feel more convicted than ever to share Him with others. More people need to know that they can find these things in Him. I am confident that God will continue to use my story and Hayden’s life to bring light to the darkness. This is why my story is not over.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. Every Saturday we feature a Hope Mom’s story in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.