Elizabeth’s Story

Jordan Emmanuel & Jonathan Patrick: The Bruffey Family Story of Loss & Hope

Need. A word that has earned a deeper significance in my family. I grew up knowing what I wanted. I was a dreamer who wanted to travel, learn sign language, be a wife, and be a mother. From the time I was a young girl, I dreamed of having a home overflowing with children. That was what I wanted. On September 30, 2016, my husband and I were delighted to learn that God had sent us a fourth child! However, His plan for that life on earth was brief. Just eight days later, we lost our “BB4” to miscarriage at five weeks five days. We were devastated. I ached to find purpose in our pain and yearned to see God’s plan for this life, no matter how short it had been. My birthday is October 15th. National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. We attended a city-wide memorial service to honor our Jordan Emmanuel and that day and were introduced to Hope Mommies. A need I didn’t know I had. I now know that God was gently paving the way for the road we would soon travel.

Within a few weeks, we learned we were expecting our fifth child. I was elated! A joy after sorrow! A beauty from our ashes! Our family would be complete! And yet, my pregnancy was riddled with anxiety and my motherly heart just could not find rest. We repeatedly prayed that God would “keep BB5 healthy.” I agonized that I simply could not lose another baby. My want told me that this baby simply had to live. And our baby did live! For almost 16 weeks.

On January 23, we saw our BB5 on an ultrasound with a heartbeat of one hundred fifty four, measuring fourteen weeks and four days. Perfection. I remember wanting that ultrasound to last and last. That day, I found peace. I went and bought a pregnancy journal and began to embrace this life with a fledgling assurance that I would hold a fourth baby on earth. Then, eleven days later, on Friday, February 3, the anxiety that had been absent for a week and a half suddenly returned. Something wasn’t right.

Having moved out of town to start a new job, my husband was in town for just one day to celebrate our daughter’s birthday. God’s provision had him with us. Another “need” met. I thought I had an infection so we decided I should see my doctor while my husband took the kids to lunch. I thought I would be given a prescription and get to hear my baby’s heartbeat to calm my worried heart. Instead, we learned our baby’s heart had stopped beating. As I waited on the final ultrasound alone in an exam room, I grabbed my phone and opened my Bible app and read Philippians 4:19, “And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of His glory in Christ Jesus.” I began to pray that the Lord would meet all our needs. I didn’t know what that would look like or really what was coming, but I clung to this promise.

I’ll never forget the moment when my doctor told me, “Your baby has passed away.”

I only remember my husband arriving, us weeping together, holding my other children, and how time seemed to just stop. I had a hundred questions, but there were so few answers. When we got home, I texted a dear friend who is a bereavement doula to ask if she would be with us when my baby was born. At that time, we were planning to wait for birth to happen naturally at home, as we had done with our other children. But even as we decided to wait, my heart felt anxious. Our doula immediately agreed and asked if she could meet with us. Through her wisdom, God lead us to be induced at a local hospital and this decision brought me incredible peace.

A Birth: Peace that Passes All Understanding

As we spent Saturday preparing for this birth, God worked in my heart so that I let go of my own wants and embraced whatever needs God would provide. At His prompting, we had three prayers as we entered our son’s birth. (1) That he would be born whole; (2) That his gender would be clear; (3) That certain possible complications that accompany second trimester births like ours would not happen. God’s provision was poured out beyond what I could have imagined.

At 7:07 p.m. Sunday, February 5, 2017, Jonathan Patrick Bruffey was born. Still. And whole. And he was clearly a little boy. And due to the unique skill set of the specialist assigned to our birth, the possible complications were addressed and avoided. Jonathan’s birth was both peaceful and heart-shattering. God met each of the three prayers He had laid on our hearts. In the moment my son was born, I knew that God had also answered the one prayer our family had prayed daily for months.

Our “BB5” had been kept healthy. He was whole, healthy, and in the arms of His creator. We were surrounded by love, supportive care providers, and the peace of God.

The details in Jonathan’s birth have been a support as we have walked the grief journey since.

A New Life: Heaven is Our Home

Six days after his birth, we moved to a new city and started a new life. I have grappled with God’s goodness, His faithfulness, and my identity in the weeks that have followed our son’s death. But I to see God as He grieves with us and continues to meet our needs. As I study His Word and engage with fellow Hope Mommies in a Hope Group Bible study, I am reminded of the powerful assertion Simon Peter made to Jesus in John 6: “You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve. Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life” (John 6:67-68). To whom else shall I go? Even as I struggle, God is here. Powerful, loving, good, and steadfast no matter the turmoil of my own emotions. His truth is all I can cling to!

I have already come to see that God has a purpose in each of the days He numbered for Jordan and Jonathan; their lives were not a mistake; their passing did not catch God off guard, “…all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” (Psalm 139:16). With two sweet children in heaven, I’ve been drawn to better investigate what the Bible teaches about heaven. This earth no longer has the same grasp on my attention or devotion. Knowing God more deeply and seeking what really matters have captured my thoughts. As Philippians 1:21-23 says, “ For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far.” My heart and mind have been turned Heavenward with more authenticity than I knew before. I now know that this earth is not my home! God has brought opportunities for me to serve others because of the lives of my youngest two children. Fruitful labor indeed! God is bringing beauty from the ashes of their deaths! I will honor my God and the memories of my babies however long He keeps me on earth and look eagerly forward to one day being reunited in my heavenly home.

My Needs: His Provision

I now know that I was right. I have not been “able” to lose another baby. It is not my strength or ability that has allowed me to find hope or joy in these days since Jonathan’s heart stopped beating. It has been the truth and hope of Jesus Christ. God has provided what I have needed and enabled me to put one foot in front of the other.

While my wants were shattered—twice—my needs have been carefully attended to one day, one moment, at a time. And, ultimately what I am seeing like never before is what I most need is God Himself. He holds me—and He holds my babies. He lives. Thus, they live. In the grief, this is where I find my hope.

“I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.” (Psalm 121:1).

– Elizabeth

Hope Mom to Jordan Emmanuel & Jonathan Patrick

I am a pastor’s wife to the love of my life and mother to 5 wonderful blessings, Jacob (6), Ruth Evelyn (4), Rebekah (2), Jordan (born in Heaven 10.8.2016), and Jonathan (born in Heaven 2.5.2017). I am a certified sign language interpreter of 16 1/2 years, a homeschooling mother, and a lover of a good hot cup of herbal tea. We love spontaneous Bruffey adventures, road trips, and family movie nights.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog! Every Saturday we feature a Hope Mom’s story in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here:

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