Danielle’s Story

“Through the eye of the storm, You remain in control. And in the middle of the war, You guard my soul. You alone are the anchor when my sails are torn. Your love surrounds me in the eye of the storm.”
Ryan Stevenson

This song plays in my mind often. The whole song has meaning to me. It does feel like I have been living a storm for the past seven weeks. I go from deep sorrow to anger. Then to depression and back to anger with heartbrokenness at the forefront. I can’t believe I will never see my daughter’s eyes on this side of heaven. I can’t believe I won’t be bringing her home from the hospital in a few short weeks. I will never see her grow up. She is gone.

On February 14, 2017 after experiencing decreased movement as well as other symptoms which my doctor’s office told me were completely normal, I went into labor and delivery at 7:30 a.m. alone. I knew deep down that she was gone. They couldn’t find her heartbeat and the ultrasound confirmed she was gone. I screamed and wept as I was in complete shock, then I had to make decisions. Did I want to deliver her now or wait? Did I want to have a natural delivery or C-section? Making decisions when you’re in shock is no easy task. I kept thinking that maybe when I held her should would come back to life or God would save her. But He didn’t.

The labor went quicker than they anticipated it would, partly because my body was in the beginning stages of labor on its own. The doctor broke my water, showing her it was a placental abruption, which did bring a small amount of comfort through having a cause. I delivered Jocelyn Grace Harris at 6:15 p.m. on February 14, 2017 at twenty-eight weeks. She weighed two pounds three ounces and was fifteen inches long. She was beautiful and perfect. Her body was perfect—other than her skin beginning to peal, which showed she had been gone for a day or two. I held her, an organization came in and took pictures that we will treasure forever, and my husband held her, as well as my parents. I wish I could have just one more hour with her. I miss holding her sweet body. I miss feeling the powerful kicks and the wild movements, the hiccups; I even miss the heartburn and all the other annoying pregnancy symptoms. I would take them all, times a thousand, to have her back.

The research began when I came home the next day. I know more about placental abruptions than some in the medical field! I had no risk factors but almost every symptom except for the heavy bleeding. The anger sets in when I would think about how I called the doctor’s office with my symptoms a couple different times—and kept getting told it was normal. I am angry that God has her and I don’t. How I wish I could turn back time 2 months to do things differently. I have so many regrets and questions. Questions that include:

Why didn’t God save her?

How could He let it happen?

What did I do wrong?

If I would have just…

Why didn’t the doctor’s office take my symptoms seriously?

Am I paying for my past?

Am I going to get through this?

When will the pain go away?

Did she feel any pain when she died?

Will I be able to deliver a healthy baby in the future?

These are just a few of the questions I ask myself daily.

It feels like a knife is in my heart and it keeps turning. I know I will never get over it like some think I should. I don’t want to get over it. She is my daughter. I had a deep bond with her. She will always be a part of our family. We visit her grave often and bring her little things. I feel closer to her when I am there. Sometimes I just go to cry or just to make sure everything looks the way it should and nothing is knocked over. Or sometimes I just go because I pass the cemetery and can’t help but stop. One of the times I went just to cry I met another mom who lost her precious baby just 2 months before I lost my Jocelyn Grace. I wouldn’t have her in my life if it wasn’t for our losses. I believe God put us both at the cemetery that day to comfort each other. We were both missing our babies with a passion that day. It is good to have someone who ‘gets’ it and is going through the same grief I am at the same time.

I am new on my journey of loss but I do see now that God has a reason.

At Jocelyn’s funeral, my childhood pastor said “When your Jocelyn opened her eyes for the first time, the first Person she saw was Jesus.”

She did not have to endure the pain of this world.

She did not have any hurt or grief; she has Jesus.

He has a plan.

He will use this tragedy to further His kingdom.

He will comfort me at the times when hope is hard to find.

He brings people who send me messages of encouragement when I need them, or He puts on my husband’s heart to say something that makes me know he cares and misses her too—or even puts on my daughter’s heart to tell me how much she loves me and that I am a good mom.

He is paving my path of grief and I need to lean on Him for support and comfort, but I must let Him.

I must trust that He holds my future and will make good come out of this horrible loss that I wish no one would have to endure.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, He gives hope to those who are crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:18

– Danielle

Hope Mom to Jocelyn Grace

Editor’s Note: None of us are inherently born with the answers that we need in order to walk through this life in peace with God. But we are afforded the invitation to submit our honest questions to God’s Word in order to seek truth. If you are asking some hard questions in your grief, please feel free to continue reading on our blog in posts like, “He Didn’t Heal My Daughter, God Is So Good,” “Discussions in Grief: Tears,” “Bad Things to Good People?,” “Identity: We Are Forgiven,” or “Blessed are Those Who Mourn“; and learn about online grief communities and Hope Groups where you will meet listening ears and compassionate hearts that understand loss and are seeking God together.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog! Every Saturday we feature a Hope Mom’s story in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here:

My sweet Jocelyn Grace was born to heaven on February 14, 2017. She is my Valentine forever and always. I am trying to find purpose for my life after this tragic loss; I believe God has a plan to use my baby’s life to further His kingdom and use us in some way.

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