Christin’s Story

My husband, Cody, and I have been together for 12 years. We will be married for nine years on our anniversary this July. We have both always been on the same page when it came to children. We wanted a family, and we wanted to start having children early in our marriage. So, on our first wedding anniversary we announced that we were pregnant with twins! We were shocked and so excited. I knew at four weeks that I was pregnant, and we had our first sonogram at six weeks. We heard both of their beautiful heart beats, and everything looked great—we had two healthy babies growing. At our 12-week appointment we had a sonogram, and they could only find one baby. The sonogram tech couldn’t tell us what was going on, and I was very concerned and confused. We finally saw the doctor, and he confirmed that we had lost one of the twins. They couldn’t medically explain it because I had no signs of a miscarriage whatsoever. The doctor said sometimes it happens where the baby will absorb back into the placenta. We were so upset. We were so happy with the idea of having twins, and suddenly one is gone. We mourned our precious loss; yet, we were excited that the other baby was still thriving. It really made us appreciate the rest of the pregnancy, but it was very bittersweet. I still look at twins today and wonder how much fun it would be to have twin girls. Our delivery was crazy, and it resulted with an emergency cesarean. We were so grateful for a healthy baby girl, Anslee! Even though it was bittersweet, I can see where God’s hand sustained us, and gave us such peace and strength.

When Anslee was almost two years old, we decided to start trying to grow our family again. It took a little bit longer, and I remember being so frustrated and emotional. We finally found out we were pregnant, and we were super excited because we both felt like this baby was the boy we so deeply wanted. I had a pretty good pregnancy with a little morning sickness and severe leg cramps—otherwise everything looked great. I was so thankful once we made it past the 12-week mark because I believed that we were safe after the second trimester began. We moved in May, and I wasn’t able to get into a new doctor until June. I drove the three hours back to my doctor for one last appointment, and everything looked great. I started feeling little flutters and kicks over the next few weeks. I remember thinking how active this baby was, and what a blessing it was to feel those sweet movements. We were very excited about our appointment in June because we were meeting our new doctor, and getting a sonogram to hopefully find out if we were having a boy or a girl.

Our parents and our 2-year-old daughter went with us to this appointment. We got settled in the room, and the sonogram tech started her exam. I remember seeing the outline of our sweet baby, but it looked strange.

She tried to find a heartbeat and turned to us to say, “I’m so sorry, but there’s no heartbeat.”

We were shocked, confused, and hurt all at the same time. My husband immediately started crying, but I was in denial. The doctor came in immediately and gave me a hug first thing. She told us how sorry she was, and she told the nurse to clear a room immediately. Our parents took Anslee outside to wait for further news from us. The nurse took us straight into a room, and the doctor came right in with us. She apologized again and explained the options that we had. She told us that she thought it would be best for me if we induced that afternoon. We went home, packed our bags, and packed a bag for Anslee to stay with Cody’s parents. My mom met us back at the hospital.

Checking in was one of the hardest parts because the lady at the desk couldn’t understand why we were checking in to labor and delivery when I was only 20 weeks pregnant, and we had to explain that our baby had died. They put us in a room at the end of the hall, but they hadn’t put a sign on my door yet. The poor man that came to draw my blood had no idea, and he started asking all the fun questions that you ask before a normal delivery. When I explained what was going on, he felt horrible—so did we.  Then, the nurse that came in to start my IV couldn’t get a good vein. She dug around in both my hands before finally getting finished. My hands were swollen and hurting, but I was so numb that I barely noticed.

The rest of that day and night were kind of a blur. I remember thinking this had to be a nightmare. Surely, I would wake up soon. The doctor and nurses came in and out to check on us. The nurse was so sweet and convinced me to get an epidural. She didn’t think I deserved to endure the labor pains on top of the pain I was already feeling. My epidural hadn’t worked when I delivered Anslee, but it worked perfectly this time. I kept trying to ask God why, but I could only cry. I believe that I experienced what the Bible talks about in Romans 8:26: “Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.”

I finally delivered our baby boy, Jackson Lee Burris, the next morning around 7:30. We got to hold him for a little while, and then Cody and his dad went to make the funeral arrangements—something I never thought we would ever have to do.

I know God was there with us, and I can look back and see His hand in so many ways. There were moments I asked why, I felt like I was being punished, and I couldn’t figure out what I had done wrong. I now understand that we didn’t do anything wrong; we simply live in a sinful, fallen world, and that has a major effect on our earthly lives. Thankfully, we have a sovereign Father who has given all so that we may eternally be freed from sin. I now long for heaven more than I ever did—we will be free from pain and death there, and we will hold our babies again!

Cody and I both went through our ups and downs over the next year. We tried to be strong for each other and our 2-year-old daughter, but we both still hurt so badly. I had a friend tell me about the Hope Mommies retreat, and I decided to go. That was the best decision I made in taking true steps toward healing. God brought me so much comfort, peace, and strength through that experience. Then, I shared that with my family, and we started to heal together. It’s definitely a day-to-day process of choosing hope, but the grief does get easier to deal with if we will let God heal us. I’ve had so many people tell us that God has used our story to help them. I don’t always see it, and I would never have chosen this platform, but I am thankful that through all the pain He uses it for His glory.

I am a stay at home wife and mom. My husband, Cody, is the director of operations at Hesperus Camp and we are loving the camp life! We have five children, Baby Burris and Jackson Lee Burris are in heaven, Anslee (7), Aislyn (3), and Ashlyn (10 months) are here on earth with us. I home school our girls, and I help with camp and church activities as much as possible.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. Every Saturday we feature a Hope Mom’s story in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.