Andi’s Story

My husband and I always wanted to have kids, and started family planning while we were working in Apartment Life Ministry as a CARES Team. Our job at the apartment was to live on property, help build community, and share the love of Christ in tangible ways. Along that journey, we got pregnant in February 2017. We didn’t think it would happen easily as the doctor had already told me the year prior that I would have trouble because of some thyroid and hormone issues. It all happened fast, and we got very excited about the pregnancy. But later that week my body started to miscarry. My husband, Josh, and I prayed over that loss and hurt, but still felt great joy that God allowed my body to do something I didn’t think I could do. It gave me hope that, after a year of meds and regulating my hormones, my body was ready for pregnancy.

A couple of months later we found out that we were pregnant again. My heart was overjoyed! I surprised my husband with a pregnancy package announcement delivered to the apartment and videotaped the entire thing to document the celebration. I remember our first ultrasound appointment—mixed feelings of nerves and excitement was an understatement.

In September we had another ultrasound that really shook us. The doctor said that the baby wasn’t growing as much as he would like. We later found out that our sweet little nugget’s heartbeat had stopped. Being in healthcare imaging services myself, I refused to see what they were showing me. My heart broke. All I could think was that this had to be a terrible mistake.

We had planned for this emotionally, spiritually, and financially. We had purchased items, I had maternity clothes out for delivery, and my older sister was also pregnant with her second baby. Our babies were supposed to grow up with each other; they would only be five months apart. My world had shattered, and everything became a fog.

At a later doctor appointment, the doctor gave me options to put my body into delivery, have a D&C, or wait for the natural process. I told the doctor that I didn’t want a D&C because I served a God that does miracles every day, and this baby was our miracle! I wasn’t ready to let go. But five weeks later, my body naturally started the miscarriage processes.

I didn’t understand why God would give me something and then take it away. I couldn’t complete my job as CARES Team at the apartment. I didn’t want to host events, or do welcome visits with residents, let alone go up to the hospitals for residents that were ill or expecting babies themselves.

My husband decided we needed a hiatus, and we stayed at a family member’s home that was vacant. It was there that I miscarried. I called the doctor late one evening in excruciating pain, nothing I was taking was stopping it. He prepared Josh, myself, and my mom who was there with us the best way he could. He said they could have an ambulance take me to the hospital but I opted to stay home, I was in too much pain to move. I remember my husband putting me in the shower and doing his best to clean everything up because I had lost a lot of blood. I felt very week but somehow he was so strong—in shock, scared, but strong.

Later that month, our apartment ministry cancelled the CARES program because the property got bought out by new management. I felt like God took away my ministry, my home, and my babies. But like they say, when one door shuts another one opens. The house we had been staying in was suddenly for sale. We were able to come to an agreement, and purchased our first home. During this time of healing I did a lot of soul searching and listened for God to direct me. I had moments of quite, moments where music spoke to me, and time to journal.

In January of 2018, Josh and I found out we were pregnant for the third time. Yet again, I surprised him by filling the bedroom up with pink and blue balloons and a baseball on the bed that said, “Welcome to the Daddy Team.” It was a happy moment, but not without anxiety. Unfortunately, a few weeks later my body rejected this pregnancy as well. The doctor said that I had a 6cm fibroid on my left ovary which was problematic, and that my body wasn’t producing progesterone like it is supposed to.

I fell back into that pit of sadness and inability to function, not just as a wife or a friend, but as a person as a whole. As much as my heart hurt, we still yearned to have a family here on earth, so we continued to try again. In March I was pregnant a fourth time, and within that same week of the pregnancy confirmation we lost that one too.

This miscarriage happened while I was in my first Hope Group with Hope Mommies, a group my husband signed me up for. This group of ladies loved on me and prayed over me. Many tears where shared. And I had found a community that understood me. They understood my hurt and frustration. They understood what this process has both given to me and robbed from me.

But this loss also showed me the strength the God has given me. My name, Andrea, means strong and womanly. I am both! Womanly as I am the mother of four beautiful babies in heaven and strong because God has been given the strength to understand that their home in heaven is far better than any home I could have ever have offered them here on earth.

I still believe in the same God that performs miracles. I hang on to hope that someday I may have a child here on earth, but also knowing that someday we will get to meet the other four. In a painful way this process has brought my heart closer not just to my husband, but also to God. I’ve learned that in the dark moments His light shines most brightly through us. This would not have been the journey I would have chosen, but I know God has used it and will continue to use the lives of my four sweet four babies for His glory. All these tears won’t be shed in vain.

I’m a mother of four babies with footprints in heaven. Not a day goes by that I don’t think, hurt, and at times have joy thinking about them. Each day that passes is one day closer to that reunion. I may never understand this journey and lots of questions still arise, but I stay anchored in a greater purpose and plan. God never promised life would be easy—this process has broken and stripped me of some of life’s greatest moments—but He did say we wouldn’t have to go through it alone. He has blessed me with some of the sweetest ladies to walk alongside me in this journey of life and loss. Josh and I still don’t know what our future will hold, but we hold on to hope.

Andi is a Hope Mom to her four Sizelove babies in Heaven. Each day that passes is one day closer to that reunion, where her and and her husband Josh get to finally meet those little ones. Andi and Josh live in Garland, TX where she works in radiology at hospital in Dallas.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.