Shannon’s Story

When we found out we were pregnant with our third child, we were over the moon. Being ever the planner, I immediately began to envision how this new one would fit into our lives. At our 20 week ultrasound we found out we were having a girl. We brought home pink flowers and balloons to surprise our two oldest. The next day I bought her first outfit—a sweet little summer romper.

There were a few small things that came up on the ultrasound that we needed to follow up on, but we were assured that they were nothing major. We went back at 24 weeks and everything seemed to be fine with our little one. Later, I remember so clearly the phone call that explained that there were a few other things that came up, and asked if we want to see a specialist. Of course we did.

The next four weeks were a blur of waiting on that appointment, an amniocentesis, more waiting, and then a diagnosis. Trisomy 13. We were not going to get to keep our sweet little girl. Within a few minutes, all of our hopes and dreams for her were gone. Our plans for our family were crushed. We waded through the next six weeks in grief. We began to plan with a funeral home what we would do with our daughter’s body even while she was still kicking inside me.

I was terrified thinking of giving birth to her. Not of birth specifically, but because that meant we would have to say goodbye. But from the first time we knew something was wrong with our daughter my husband kept repeating the same two things. He would say, “Our family is going to be stronger because of this” and, “God will be glorified.” I didn’t realize how much I clung to his words, because at times it certainly didn’t feel like either were true. Nonetheless, I held on to the hope that both would happen.

Our delivery day came a bit earlier than expected, but amazingly it was mostly peaceful and quiet. Gabriella Marie came into the world crying at 36 weeks. She lived for a little over two hours. During that time her Daddy and I were able to tell her how much we loved her. We sang to her and read Scripture over her. She never knew anything but the love of her mama and daddy.

We had talked through so much of what her birth would look like, but we never went over how we would leave the hospital without a baby in our arms. It was devastating. We went home and began trying to do life after the death of our baby. I remember crying on our deck late that first evening home and calling a girlfriend. I didn’t know what to do now. She was gone. What was I supposed to do?

Through the love and support of family and friends, we waded through those first few months. I started a thankful journal because I knew I had to find at least something to be thankful for every day, even if it was simply a meal made by friends, or even that I had made it through the day.

I have learned so much from Ella’s short life. One day, not long after she was born, I was trying to do a Bible study where the author shared a story about unanswered prayer and how she was so thankful for it. Her example was that of a college boyfriend that she wanted to be “the one.” She shared how she was so glad that God did not answer that prayer as He brought her husband into her life later. She talked about the gifts we get from prayers that are not answered how we’d like them to be.

I struggled so much with this as I had wanted my prayer to be heard. I wanted Ella to be with us. I did not see the good, or how any gift could come of this. After all, there was no happy ending with a baby in my arms. After some crying and calling out to Him, I realized that Ella was the gift to us. Her birth, and my time with her, will always be a pivotal part of my life. I believe that the Lord has been glorified in our story. I have found a strong desire to reach out to other families who have received a terminal diagnosis for their unborn babies. I have seen how He brought us through the darkest of times and how He still gives us the comfort we need when the heavy grief bubbles back to the surface.

Psalm 139:16 says that all of our days were ordained before even one of them came to be. That brings me such comfort to know that Ella was lovingly created by our Lord exactly how He wanted her to be. While her days here with us were not nearly long enough for my liking, I do believe that she is exactly where she needs to be. In the arms of Jesus.

---

Shannon is a wife to Shane and mama to four littles on earth and one in heaven. She spends her time homeschooling, chasing kids, and fits in reading and time with friends when she can. She and her husband work in a camping ministry and enjoy spending time as a family being outdoors and traveling, even if that means camping in their own backyard. It is her hope that by sharing the life of her daughter, others will come to know His grace and peace as well.

Are you a writer?  Hope Mommies would love to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog.  Every Saturday we will be sharing another Hope Mom’s story in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow.  If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose please send a draft between 800-1200 words to editor (at) hopemommies (dot) org.

Are you a writer who would like to join the blog team? Learn more and apply here.

---