Sarah’s Story

Of all the big moments in life, nothing has quite changed me like grief. Most moments close one chapter and open a new chapter. But grief practically changes your DNA. I will never see life or circumstance the same way again. After two normal, uncomplicated pregnancies, I took pregnancy for granted. So, when we went to the doctor with our third pregnancy and they couldn’t find the heartbeat, our whole world seemed to stop. On May 17, 2014, we had to say “hello” and “good-bye” to Solomon Elijah. God’s peace was tangible in the hospital room. We had friends who had lost their son just the year before visit us while we waited. They wept with us, prayed with us, and reminded us of the hope of heaven. We saw God’s faithfulness in a whole new way. We saw His hands in so many ways from the doctors and nurses who showed our sweet boy so much respect, to the doctor being the one to deliver Solomon.

Later, I would wrestle with God, asking Him over and over—why our baby? He is the author and sustainer of life; why did he allow my baby leave this world so soon? I would struggle with being angry—not necessarily at God, but at the situation. There were many times I would just weep in the shower, but God would meet me in those times. He would gently remind me of His goodness and His love. I could feel Him urging: Trust Me, I love you, and I love Solomon. I will carry you.

When we felt like it was time, we prayerfully tried growing our family again. Then, we found out 13 weeks later on January 5, 2015, that our sweet Celeste Hope had just joined her brother Solomon in heaven. We had no medical answers as to why this happened again. I just sat on the table in shock. How could this have happened again? Would God allow this to happen to me for the second time? We desired our daughter so deeply, but she was gone. God and I wrestled again. I could practically feel His presence surround me as He reminded me that He would carry me through, and He was still faithful. My heart was weary. My “easy trust” in God was being challenged—the kind that assumed God would answer my prayers how I hoped they would be answered.

Now, I had to make a choice to trust Him, and to remind myself of the truth of God’s character—He is good and loves me. We wanted to grow our family, but we had to find out why this was happening. I took some blood tests, but the results all came back normal. Armed with normal results, we decided to try again. When I found out I was pregnant, I was immediately terrified considering our two previous experiences. Each doctor appointment was so challenging. I tried so hard to not get attached to this baby. What if it happens again; what if we lose this baby too? I did get attached—each heartbeat was a gift. Our obstetrician offered for me to come in every week to hear the heartbeat. When we heard it on week 13, I just prayed to hear it on week 14. On February 16, 2016, we again heard the dreaded statement that our baby’s heart had stopped. That night we said “hello” and “good-bye” to Gabriel Noah.

Three times in two years—I felt like I was drowning. I begged God to give me the strength to dissolve my anger and help me trust Him again. He sent friends with verses of encouragement. He spoke truth into my heart through His Word, and He reminded me in my darkest moments that He was still the same God after my losses as He was before. Trust is still a choice. Every day, I have to choose how I am going to fill the void of my little ones. I can choose to wallow in the what-ifs and the what-should-be thoughts, or I can choose to live in the what-now. What does God have for me now? I am changed. This journey of grief has worn off some of my edges. I now stop and grieve with others when they need it, and I long for heaven like never before. I have also learned what a “sacrifice of praise” (Hebrews 13:15) truly means. When all I can do is raise my hands as the tears pour down, I can fully comprehend that God has overcome the grave! I now know how to live in the balance of joy and sorrow—how in one moment you can feel both so strongly. As I look back over the past several years, I am not the same person I was. My babies have changed me, and each one has helped to shape me more and more into the image of Christ. While I don’t know how God will continue to use the lives of my little ones for His glory, I know it will be bigger and better than I could ever imagine. I am confident in this because their precious lives have already taught me the greatest of lessons—God is who He says He is, and He has never left me alone.

I am married to Eric; he is truly my best friend. We have two active boys and three hope babies, who we can’t wait to meet in heaven. Both Eric and I are teachers and actively involved in our church. I love that we can serve God together. In our free time, we enjoy outdoor activities.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. Every Saturday we feature a Hope Mom’s story in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.