Discussions in Grief: Remembering

Grieving involves new emotions and considerations often too many to numbers. When you find yourself in overwhelming grief, you likely feel buried and lost. In this series, we slowly and compassionately look at one aspect of grief at a time from a biblical perspective for the newly grieving mother. Click {here} to read past posts in this series. 

As I sit here in front of my computer getting ready to share my heart with you, the lights of our Christmas tree are twinkling in the corner of the living room and the stockings are hanging just to my right. Christmas is both a painful and sweet reminder of our Sarabeth who was with us last year, alive in my swollen belly. Despite her fatal diagnosis a few months prior and the grim prediction that I would go into preterm labor, I carried her past my mid-January due date. And so Christmas was a sweet time of having our girl with us. As I made cookies and danced to Christmas music, decorated the house and wrapped gifts for our toddler, I cherished the kicks and rolls I felt from Sarabeth.

The memories of that Christmas have hit me hard this year. In one way they are sweet, and in other ways they are so very painful. The sweetness comes from the gift God gave us last year—that she was still with us, growing and moving, despite all the dire predictions from the doctors. Even though she was not in our arms, God gave us one Christmas with our precious girl. But the pain comes rushing in when I think that, if she had been healthy, we would have an 11-month old toddling around and playing with her older sister. I would have double the gifts to wrap and double the fullness in my arms. And the painful memories continue when I think of all that was facing us in the month following Christmas. I didn’t fully grasp then how difficult those days would be and how special and precious that Christmastime was.

Remembering is part of the grieving process. Memories are both sweet and painful and can come flooding in at any time, often when we are least prepared for them. I am not a counselor, so I simply want to share with you, from one bereaved mama’s heart to another, how I have found healing through remembering in my grief.

As I was getting ornaments out to decorate our tree this year, I found one that a sweet friend had sent with Sarabeth’s name on it. I sat down to write her birth date and home-going date on the back, and suddenly I was overcome with emotion. There, at the kitchen table, I put my head down and wept. The grief was so unexpected, but very real, as I was flooded with memories of her birth and the day we gave her back to Jesus. Instead of trying to distract myself and hold back the tears, I allowed myself to feel and grieve. In that release of emotions I experienced a deeper measure of God’s healing grace.

When memories come—and they will come—it is so important to give yourself the freedom and grace to experience the grief they bring and cry if you need to.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
Psalm 147:3

Bringing our broken hearts before God brings healing as He tenderly binds up our wounds. Running from painful memories and emotions is also running from one way that God wants to tenderly meet you in your grief and offer you His healing touch.

I was reading in Philippians 1 this week and I was struck by verses 3-4,“I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine for you all making my prayer with joy.”

This is my heart for every memory I have of Sarabeth—that over all I can remember her with gratitude and joy.

It seems impossible that opportunities of gratitude and joy could be found in the memories of lost babies. Every mother’s journey through loss is different, but one thing we can all rejoice in and be grateful for is that our precious babies are whole and safe in the arms of Jesus. No matter at what point in your pregnancy or your baby’s short life you lost them, we have the hope that they are now with our Lord and one day we as believers will see them and hold them again. Beyond that great hope, there may be other things that can bring gratitude and joy as you look back over your loss.

I am so thankful for the precious life of our sweet girl, the faithfulness of God who never left my side, and for the tender love, nearness, and compassion that He poured into my heart as I wept for my girl. I am thankful for all the time I had to carry her in my womb, feeling her move within me. We were very graciously given seven beautiful days with her earth-side, and while watching her pass from us into Jesus’ arms was heart-wrenching, it was also a holy moment of the palpable presence of God in that room of grief, accompanied with gratitude and joy that she was finally free from her earthly broken body, whole and healed.

I would encourage you, as you weep at painful memories, to look back for moments that you can be grateful for because of God’s, faithfulness, nearness, and grace to you, and look forward with joy at what awaits us when we get to heaven!

One way that we honor the life of Sarabeth is to have tangible ways of remembering her. We want to honor her memory and we don’t want to hide her life and passing from our other children. She deserves to be remembered, talked about, and celebrated.

In our living room, we put up a small corner bookcase on which we have displayed various objects that remind us of our girl: photo albums, her footprint, a print out of her heartbeat, candles and flowers, cards, and an ultrasound picture. At different times throughout the year, we visit her grave to put out fresh flowers and talk with our toddler about her sister. On special anniversaries, such as birthdays and her home-going date, we spend time as a family remembering and celebrating her.

Is it painful to keep her memory alive? Yes, at times it certainly is. In fact, I have a box in my room that contains memorabilia that is especially painful to look at, so I keep it tucked away.  But I have found that there is also healing in remembering her. The truth is, even though she is not alive in my arms, she is still living. She is fully alive in the arms of Jesus, and I want to celebrate her and rejoice in her eternal life.

Lastly, healing in remembering comes when I channel my memories of Sarabeth into helping others who have experienced loss. Prior to losing our baby I had no capacity to fully enter into and understand the bereavement of a mother who has lost a child. But now I understand all too well. If we run from our grief and memories we cannot find healing for ourseves, and we cannot reach out to others with a compassionate hug, an encouraging word, or simply the quiet presence of understanding. Channel your memories and grief into ways you can minister to another hurting heart. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 tells us to do this very thing,

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” (emphasis added)

So I would encourage you in these four things as you remember in your grief:

• Don’t run from the memories, rather embrace them fully and allow your grief to bring you closer to God’s healing touch.
• Actively look for ways you can remember your baby with gratitude and joy.
• Make meaningful traditions that celebrate and honor the life of your precious baby.
• And use the grief of memories to look for ways you can encourage and comfort others in their grief.

Abigail is mama to her toddler daughter and to Sarabeth who went to be with Jesus seven days after her birth in January 2018.  She and her husband Chad live in Berea, KY on the family farm where they raise cattle.  In addition to being a stay-at-home-mom and teaching piano part-time, Abigail blogs on Facebook and Instagram at A Healing Gratitude where her desire is to share Sarabeth’s story in a way that highlights the goodness and love of God and how gratitude can lead to greater healing.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.