Receiving a Fatal Diagnosis

Each child gone ahead from among us is a precious person made in the image of God—and all having been made into Hope Moms, we together declare motherhood in each of our journeys. We are eager to go above and beyond in showing honor and love for one another (Rom. 12:10, 15). Through this series, we honor each other’s experiences of motherhood in love through our shared God of hope.

I still remember exactly where I was and what I was wearing when I got the phone call. My husband and I were still grieving the loss of two children through back to back miscarriages when I found out I was expecting again. Three pregnancies in one year was almost more than I could bear, but we were relieved and encouraged when we saw that tiny heart beating away at our first ultrasound.

We had taken a blood test on a whim to find out the gender early, never expecting to hear the news that I received two weeks later on a Wednesday afternoon.  My doctor’s voice was filled with sadness as she explained to me that our son had tested positive for Trisomy 18. As I hung up the phone, I felt as though I was being swallowed up by the earth around me. How could we live though this? How could God take another child from us? I fell to my knees and cried out to Jesus to spare me this pain and allow me to keep my son.

“I cry out to God without holding back. Oh, that God would listen to me!
When I was in deep trouble, I searched for the Lord.
All night long I pray, with hands lifted toward heaven, pleading.
There can be no joy for me until He acts.
I think of God, and I moan, Overwhelmed with longing for His help.”
Psalm 77:1-3 (NLT)

The next few months I feel like I wrestled with God. The weeks were filled with appointment after appointment with specialists, and each one brought emotional highs and lows. One visit would leave us with hopeful news of his development, and the next would leave those hopes dashed. Despite what the doctors told us, I continued to pray for miraculous healing as did friends and family. Even people I didn’t know were interceding on our behalf before the throne.

I questioned God’s goodness as we planned the details of his funeral. I questioned my faith as we walked through the cemetery and picked a plot for Thatcher to rest even while he kicked in my belly. I was filled with guilt for planning for his death when he was still very much alive. I asked myself these questions over and over again as we planned for the future: was I giving up on God, was I giving up on my son?

David, the king characterized as a man after God’s own heart, penned a raw poem as he grappled with grief. I was encouraged as I read his words to know that my feelings and questions were not unfamiliar or unwelcome at the throne of grace.

“Has the Lord rejected me forever?
Will He never again be kind to me?
Is His unfailing love gone forever?
Have His promises permanently failed?
Has God forgotten to be gracious?”
Psalm 77:7-9a (NLT)

Although I struggled with the paradox of fully trusting God while questioning His plan, I had to tell myself that I am human, and I could never fully understand His ways. I couldn’t see the physical manifestation of miraculous healing in our son, but I could feel God working a miracle in my heart and drawing me near. I was beginning to realize that my understanding of who God is and His love for me was skewed. It was based on my human understanding of perfection and love. He was slowly, albeit painfully, revealing Himself to me.

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.”
Isaiah 55:8, 9

The days were emotionally draining, but I have never felt more spiritually full. I was constantly in prayer, burying myself in His Word, recalling times where He had proven Himself faithful, and singing praise songs. I am so grateful that we serve a God that is compassionate and is slow to anger; a God that can take my questions and doubt and gently lead me to the truth. He was indeed still completely good, He was and is still sovereign, and He cared deeply for my soul and for my pain.

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle.
You have recorded each one in Your book.
Psalms 56:8 (NLT)

Receiving a fatal diagnosis for our son was the hardest trial we have been through, but the Lord provided for our needs immensely during this time. He encouraged my weary soul by putting moms in my path that had walked this journey before me. I listened to their stories and shed tears with them over their losses and they listened to my fears. He provided us with friends that were eager to help with meals. He gave Scripture to me at just the right moment through friends and family. He gave us peace at the moments we needed it most, and gave us strength to get through each day.

I was given the opportunity to meticulously plan for Thatcher’s birth. We were able to have our family doctors present, a friend to photograph his arrival and life, and family there to meet him. We were able to capture moments with him and collect keepsakes that we would have otherwise not been prepared for. The moments during and following his birth were nothing short of holy. God’s presence was thick in that hospital room. He graciously answered our prayers to meet Thatcher, and gave us four hours to love and hold him. The pain was and is intense, but for Thatcher’s life, and the experience I had with God on that day, I will forever be grateful.

God is true to His promises of using everything (good and bad) for our good and His glory (Romans 8:28.) God has allowed me the privilege of meeting mothers with similar hurts and entering in to their grief. I am able to empathize with them in a way I couldn’t possibly begin to before losing our children. I also have a new-found depth to my understanding of how precious and miraculous each life is.

This experience has changed my perspective on what is important. My eyes are more focused on eternal things now. It is my continued prayer that God would reveal Himself to me in whatever way He sees fit, and that He would continue to draw me closer to him…on the mountain tops and in the valleys.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of all mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Megan Kelley is married to Jake and the mother to seven babies. Her first child she lost to miscarriage in September of 2009. She then had two children, Hunter (7) and Preston (5). After Preston, she lost her next two to miscarriage in March and August of 2014. A month later, she found out she was pregnant with her son, Thatcher, who was diagnosed with Edwards Syndrome. He went to his heavenly home shortly after he was born on April 17, 2015. She was blessed with her latest addition, Abigail Quinn in July of 2017. She loves painting, gardening, cooking, reading, and playing with her kids at the park.

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