Reagan’s Story

My husband and I got married in July of 2016 and had asked God to give us a child whenever He wanted to do so. God’s plan was quicker than we anticipated and as it turned out, I was pregnant before we had been married for one month! We were both so excited and told our parents as soon as the blood work was back that confirmed that we were, indeed, going to be parents ourselves.

On November 21, we went to our first ultrasound and saw our little baby for the first time at 12 weeks, 3 days. I was in awe at God’s design as I looked at our child’s face, profile, little crossed legs, moving hands, and heartbeat, all within a tiny 5.65cm long body. It was so fun to put a face to the little human who was hanging out with me all day, every day. I was so excited to meet whoever he or she was at or around the June 2, 2017 due date.

At the second ultrasound (at 21 weeks, 3 days), we saw our little one wiggling around again and knew our baby would have a spunky personality! While we laughed at how cute our baby was, the ultrasound tech saw something that made her wonder if I had an “incompetent cervix”; she put in a request for me to be seen by a doctor before I left. I had no idea what that was, so my husband and I just prayed that God would keep preparing my body for our baby. I got checked by my doctor and was told that there was nothing to be concerned about, but to come back in two weeks for a follow up.

The day before my follow up appointment was scheduled  I had some bleeding, felt faint and was sick. By God’s good plan, I was already in my hometown so it was easy for my mom and husband to take me to the hospital there. When we got there, the doctor told me that I was 3cm dilated. I was transported to a bigger, more equipped hospital an hour away, in case I went in to labor.

There, I was to stay in bed until whenever I went in to labor, which as I was told, could be that day, within a few days or many weeks down the road. Their goal was to get us to 36 weeks. When we first arrived at that hospital, they did an ultrasound and the tech and doctor laughed a little saying that they had never seen a baby in the position ours was in—they described it as if our baby was kneeling over my cervix. I laughed because it was as though our little one was already praying and worshipping the Lord.

As soon as we arrived and throughout our time at the hospital, doctors had many conversations with us regarding the “risks” of developmental delay and other things if our baby came too early. My husband and I explained, over and over, to everyone who asked that we were interested in doing everything possible to keep our child alive and safe—and that no matter what challenges that may include, we would be honored to love our child.

The following morning, my water broke. Every day, three times a day, the nurses checked my vitals and our baby’s vitals. Hearing our child’s heartbeat and feeling our baby wiggle in my tummy were my favorite times as I lay there in the hospital. As we waited and prayed, God continued to remind my husband, myself, and our families that He had His hand on our little one and was not going to forget about us, look away or stop caring for our baby.

On February 11, my husband had been out visiting his family and my parents had driven to visit me. In God’s great care, He brought my husband back to the hospital a little while before I saw the umbilical cord hanging down. I called for a nurse and they immediately rushed me to an operating room. There had been much debate between different doctors as to how I would have our baby when the time came, mostly due to gestational age and breach position. In the swiftness of the whole event, there was a Resident who rode with me down to the operating room and she kept telling people that I should not have a c-section and should just push.

Elayah Eva was born at 5:12pm on February 11, 2017, weighing 600g, at 24 weeks and 1 day gestation. By God’s grace, she did not have a difficult birth even though she jumped into the world feet first! I saw the soft dark hair on the back of her tiny head as the doctor lifted her to take her to another room to get stabilized. I remember praying over and over, “God keep my baby, God keep my baby.” By then, my husband had gotten suited up and came into the room. I told him that he had a little girl and we prayed for her together, committing her to the Lord.

We saw Elayah for the first time around 7pm that night and were so amazed at how God had designed her. She was tiny and perfect; little and lovely. She had daddy’s hands, hair and skin color and mommy’s feet, nose and lips. We watched her, loved her, prayed for her, and sang to her and the Lord continued to cover her, create her, and provide for us. Amongst a ton of other ways that the Lord provided for us, He gave us a place to stay right beside the hospital, which included meals and ended up being free. It was such a blessing to have the Lord take care of everything as we spent all of our time with Elayah.

In being so little, Elayah faced many challenges; many people, in countries across the world, were praying for her. It so encourages our hearts to know that our Heavenly Father used our little girl to encourage His other children to seek His heart in prayer. I could talk all day about things that God did in and through Elayah, but one of the most beautiful things that I will always remember is how He did physically what He kept telling me that He was doing spiritually. The Lord had continued to tell me that He had His hand on Elayah—that He would never take His hand off of her—that He would not forsake the work of His hands (Psalm 138:8)—that He would cover her.

We watched Elayah wiggle her toes, put her fingers in her mouth and open her eyes. We watched God’s love all over Elayah in the NICU for 17 days. At 4am on February 28, we got called over to the hospital as Elayah’s oxygen levels were decreasing. We were told that they did not know what else they could do and if her heart rate began to decrease, she would likely pass away. My husband and I prayed for Elayah and sang to her. As we sang “How Great Is Our God” over her, her levels increased, surprising the doctors. Milton and I got to see Elayah wiggle around and open her eyes one last time before she became too tired to do so as her levels went down again.

In the next few hours, our families joined us and I held Elayah in my hands. I was surprised at how heavy she felt—so proud of her for having gained 60 more grams. We kissed her, sang to her, talked to her and I begged God to heal her, as I knew He could. He didn’t heal her in that moment, but He also did not forget her, or us and He is still good. I got to hold Elayah in my arms for the first time and was told that’s where she died. She went from my arms, to the arms of her Creator and I cannot imagine anything harder or more beautiful. God answered the prayer I prayed when she was born, “God keep my baby.” He kept her while she was here and He’s keeping her now.

So many things are more beautiful now than before.

Everything pink, purple, pretty or sparkly reminds me of her. Anything beautiful in creation reminds me of God’s goodness. The reality of heaven, the coming return of Jesus and the honor of being able to worship the Lord feel so much more important.

So many things are more difficult now.

Worshipping is hard—either because I am too overcome with the goodness of God to sing, too overwhelmed at the thought of my baby praising the Lord at His very feet, or am angry at the thought of God’s ability to heal her, yet His decision to welcome her home instead. Every day that “should have been” a milestone, isn’t. We bought a casket instead of a carseat and crib. We planned a funeral instead of a baby shower. I made her the dress she was buried in instead of her wedding dress. I wrote a note to put in her casket instead of her lunchbox. I decorate her grave instead of her room.

So many things are more confusing now.

I am thankful that she is with the Lord, where she will never know fear, insecurity or hurt, but the rest of me just aches to hold her, to love her, to wake up in the middle of the night to feed her, to give her a Band-Aid and kiss her cuts, to watch her play and listen to her sing.

So many things are different, but God is not. God is still good. His steadfast love continues to endure forever. He has not forgotten the work of His hands.

I’m Reagan, Elayah’s Hope Mommy and wife to Milton. I am a Child and Youth Care Practitioner from Canada working as a Camp Director. I love making beauty out of scraps and crafting the day away through just about any kind of art. I love God, am in awe of His faithfulness and live life in the grace of Jesus Christ.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. Every Saturday we feature a Hope Mom’s story in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.