Rachel’s Story

My husband and I were expecting a baby girl just before Thanksgiving this year; she was due on November 26. We had already been blessed with a little boy first, our adorable 2-year-old son, Peter, and were excited to have a little girl second.

At the first trimester genetic screening, the doctors informed us of some physical abnormalities they were seeing. Since our son had no such abnormalities, and my pregnancy, labor, and delivery with him were free from complications, it was a surprise to receive the news. They did mention that because our baby was so small at that age everything could look normal during the next screening. Especially after a “low-risk” result of the Non-Invasive Prenatal Test that detects common genetic conditions such as Down’s Syndrome, we assumed our baby would be normal physically, just like Peter.

When we found out at an elective ultrasound in late May that we would be having a little girl, we named her Emily Allison, the girl name I had picked out since I was about 12 years old. Although we knew he was too young to fully understand, we started telling Peter he would have a little sister.

Then, in July, the second trimester screening revealed more concerning results: Emily had a complex heart defect and we were advised that the prognosis was likely poor. A fetal echocardiogram further detailed the seriousness of her heart condition, with such problems as right ventricular dilation and hypertrophy, dysplastic and moderately regurgitant right atrioventricular valve (backflow of blood), and critical pulmonary stenosis (no blood flow to lungs). If she lived to full term birth, she would 100% need heart surgery. But we still trusted that God would keep our Emily alive and allow us to raise her as our daughter as planned.

We enjoyed about a month more with her, then I started to notice less movement. I had a couple of moments of distinct concern that she might not be alive anymore, then felt a little kick or punch of reassurance. A few days later, I was at my normal monthly prenatal appointment when the doctor checked for heart activity on the ultrasound machine and gave me the news. “I’m sorry to tell you, the heart is not beating.” In that moment, I felt a strange combination of numbness, shock, and acceptance. Since we knew about the heart defect it wasn’t a total shock, but we had thought she would at least live until birth.

I sat in my car after that for several minutes, crying and praying for a miracle, because I know nothing is impossible for God. He could bring Emily back to life, sustain her to full term, and one day call her to tell her own amazing story for His glory. But even without that miracle, I would choose to stand firm in my faith and trust Him to lead us through this difficult time.

A week and a half passed as I prayed the same prayer—for the miracle of restored life, for direction in what to do next, and for help to trust Him whatever His will was. I was inspired to write a song about the situation, which bears the theme, “Even without the miracle, we know nothing is impossible for our God.” It has been an anthem for my soul much like Hebrews 6:19 has been for the Hope Mommies community. “Sometimes He gives and takes away, but His promises are still true today,” He inspired me to write in one verse of the song.

After I had a second ultrasound exam to confirm the loss, we felt it was time to prepare for Emily’s birth. She was born early Sunday morning, September 8, 2019, weighing 958 grams (2.1 pounds) and measuring 14 inches long, consistent with about 26 weeks gestation. We were allowed many hours of alone time with her, which was and is treasured wholeheartedly. Her mouth was open when she was born, and I had to smile because it so wonderfully reflects her certain posture of praise in heaven, singing with the angels to our glorious King. Because of this, her grave marker will say, “Born singing with angel choirs.” We look forward to joining her in worship someday when the Lord takes us home too.

In the meantime, there is so much more for Him to do in and through us. God has grown our faith greatly in this experience and has opened our eyes to new ministry opportunities. Ever since I found out about Hope Mommies from the beautiful box I received in the hospital, and my husband reminded me we are extremely blessed to have this living hope (which nonbelievers desperately need as well), my passion for sharing our hope has been set on fire. I intend to hold a Box gathering and maybe apply to start a chapter in the Sacramento, CA area. I bought 20 copies of Made for a Different Land to distribute at a local 5k event that benefits those who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss. I’ve become an assistant soccer coach to refugee girls, which I wouldn’t be doing if I were 7 ½ months pregnant like I would be now if Emily were still with us.

The point is, God can take such a heartbreaking loss as this and use it to fulfill His greater Kingdom purposes for us. Yes, I miss Emily, and I will miss her until the day I get to meet her in the beauty and life with which she was created, but I thank God for His faithfulness in showing me how losing her has made possible so many new opportunities to be a light to the world for His glory—and it’s only the beginning of what He has planned.

Rachel is a singer-songwriter, electrical engineer, soccer player, cat lover, and most importantly Christ follower. She lives in Sacramento, California with her husband and son, where they sing in their church choir and volunteer with the Probation Department’s Juvenile Justice Chaplaincy.

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