Q: What if my Dreams Don’t Align with God’s Plan?

This Q&A series is intended to help you take steps forward in wisdom. Lay your questions before Scripture with us; find in the ashes that wisdom “will place on your head a graceful garland; she will bestow on you a beautiful crown” (Prov. 4:9). What questions about grief, God, or the Bible do you have right now? Contact us here. 

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The first time I experienced the heartbreaking loss of a child, I was completely stunned. After having three beautiful and easy pregnancies, I had arrived at my doctor appointment feeling invincible. But as soon as I heard that my little one’s heart was no longer beating inside of me, I was forever stripped of the innocent and naive bliss of pregnancy.

I clung to the Lord with every ounce of my aching heart. I spent hours at a time saturating myself in His Word, and laying my brokenness at His feet. I knew that God was good, and that He would carry me through this valley of sorrow. But there was a part of me that wondered if my heart would still be as confident in His goodness if He allowed us to walk that road again.

I never really thought we would. And I certainly never imagined that just nine months later I would find myself filled with that same familiar ache—in the second trimester of pregnancy, my insides caving in, as I heard that another precious child had gone to be with the Lord.

How could my heart hold any more pain?

There were days when it felt like God was asking more of me than I wanted to give—more than I felt capable of giving. I was at a crossroads where what I wanted and hoped for didn’t line up with God’s plans for me.

“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.”
Proverbs 16:9

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.”
Isaiah 55:8-9

I knew that no matter how painful it was, I could trust that God would always act according to what was best for my eternal good and His glory. But though I believed God truly knew what He is doing, and that He was trustworthy and good, I often had more questions than answers.

Did God want us to raise more children on this earth?
If we tried to conceive again would I be striving against God’s plan or persevering through hardship?
How could I know His will for me?

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”
Romans 12:2

Knowing God’s will for our lives, requires the renewing of our minds—filling your mind with the truth that has been revealed through Scripture, and being sensitive to the Spirit’s prompting in your life. In Scripture, God reveals to us everything we need to know to live godly lives (2 Peter 1:3). And though we may not find specific answers to every decision we are faced with, God’s Word is sufficient to guide us in the way He wants us to go. As your mind is shaped by Scripture, you will be equipped to recognize and respond to God’s will for you with readiness.

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.”
Psalm 32:8

“He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble His way.”
Psalm 25:9

As I sat with the sonographer, watching her face fall as she searched for the heart beat that wasn’t there, while my heart was crying out, “I know You have the power to do things differently, to choose a different plan, to accomplish this work in my life in another way!” I recalled that Christ asked for those same things in the garden “with loud cries” (Heb. 5:7) before His death, yet still surrendered to the Father’s will—His perfect plan. And because His cries and tears preceded my own, I knew that through Him, this Man of Sorrows, I could arrive at that same place of surrender to the plans of my Father.

As I released my dreams for the growth of my family, and wrestled to understand how His power to have prevented my sorrow and His compassion for me in the middle of it worked together, I found myself echoing the words of Peter in John 6:68.

“Lord, where else could I go? It is YOU that hold the words of eternal life.”  You hold my future in your hands, and have promised to guide me in your counsel (Psalm 73:24). It is only in You that every cry of my aching heart is answered.

And in the midst of it all, He gently beckoned me closer as He asked, “Will you trust my plan for you, even when your dreams are shattered?”

I know that with His help, I can. And you can too, precious momma.

My heart aches every day for the babies that I cannot hold in my arms. Yet through this sorrow of shattered dreams and heartache, I have been given an opportunity to surrender to God’s plan for me. This does not not mean that I pretend my dreams and longings don’t exist, for this would be inauthentic. But rather, as an act of worship, I can allow this relentless ache to drive me further into the arms of the God who is ever for me. And I truly believe, that when the final chapter of my story on earth has been written, I will be able to, from the deepest recesses of my heart, thank God for these unfulfilled dreams, because they accomplished the most profound work in my soul.

So as we are living in this paradigm where the days and months take us further away from our little ones even while they bring us closer to eternity with them, let us choose to surrender our dreams to God’s plan, and trust that He will guide us in the way He wants us to go—the way that is best, believing with confidence that our stories will one day be tied up in the most glorious way imaginable. For His plans are trustworthy and good.

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Ashlee is the Editorial Coordinator for Hope Mommies. She and her husband, Jesse, have four children on earth and two little ones in Heaven. You can get to know her more by reading her blog, Beyond Undone.

 

 

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