Nicole’s Story

My husband and I were married in our late 20s, always knowing that we both wanted a family. It was only about six months before we decided that we would like to start a family. We were blessed with a baby girl in 2011 and a baby boy in 2013. Having babies seemed so easy. We had no complications with either pregnancy and felt so fortunate to have these two healthy children.

We both come from families with three children and felt strongly that our family was not complete. In 2015 we started trying for our third and assumed it would come easily as it had before. However, this time was different.

This time we tried for several months. Finally, we were so happy to see a positive pregnancy test in early 2016. We planned for and imagined our life with a new baby. After an ultrasound at nine weeks in which the baby looked healthy and was growing well, we announced our news to our family: “Tiebreaker coming in October 2016!”

At 11 weeks, however, I started to feel cramping and called the doctor, who then scheduled an ultrasound. At the start of the ultrasound, I immediately knew that we had lost our baby—he was completely still and had no heartbeat. It was very difficult and sad.

Later in the year we found out we were pregnant again. I was cautiously excited, holding my breath until our second trimester when I felt more confident that this pregnancy would end with a baby in our arms. It was so exciting to find out that my brother and his wife were expecting their first baby only a few weeks after ours, and we dreamed about the fun that cousins so close in age would have together.

We scheduled a fun 3-D ultrasound to find out the baby’s gender, bringing our two children so they could join in the excitement. We found out we were having a girl, which my daughter had so hoped for! Our little baby was so perfect—sucking her thumb, rolling over, and doing all of the things that a growing baby should. We confidently announced our pregnancy to everyone and started to buy baby things.

My husband and I both walked into our 20 week anatomy appointment completely confident and without a worry. But right away I noticed it was so quiet; I could not hear a heartbeat. As the ultrasound tech went through each part of the anatomy and it seemed so perfect, I figured the sound must be turned down. Why would she go through the anatomy scan if something was wrong? It was only at the very end that she looked at us and said “I’m so sorry but there is no heartbeat.” I was so shocked that it was hard to take in. So much changed in only a few hours. In less than 24 hours, we went from talking about where the crib would go, to talking about autopsies and funeral homes.

Our baby, Lucy, was delivered the next morning. Being on the labor and delivery floor and hearing babies crying all around us felt so wrong. I had no idea what to expect, and at first thought I wouldn’t even want to see her after she was born. But in the end, she was our baby no matter what, and we were able to hold her and take a few photos. She was tiny, yet perfect.

Looking back, I wish that we had planned more for those moments in the hospital. Perhaps we could have picked up a blanket for her, or something else that we could keep in her memory. In the moment, I was so angry and upset that I couldn’t make those kind of decisions. I’m grateful the hospital took her footprints and gave her some tiny clothes. One of the best gifts that I received from a friend was a blanket with her name on it—something for us to hold onto when we needed the comfort.

There are some days when I feel okay—positive about the future and focused on my two children who are so active and busy. But there are other days when the weight seems so heavy that I struggle to get through the day. All around me, friends are having babies and announcing pregnancies.

I think many people feel that since we have two healthy children, the loss of our baby boy and baby girl should not be so sharp. I can’t help but think about what our lives might have looked like had they lived.

We opted for all of the testing possible, even choosing to pay out of pocket for what insurance doesn’t cover, because we wanted an answer so badly. But all of the answers were the same—everything was normal, Lucy was growing perfectly normal, and they have no idea what happened.

I am reminded often that we have joined a tribe of parents that no one wants to be part of, but that can understand what we are going through in ways that others cannot. I was at the dentist and learned that the hygienist had lost a baby at 38 weeks. I will never understand why this has happened, and will never stop wondering who our babies would have grown to be.

However, I do know that our God is a God of comebacks—from our perspective. I am reminded that the greatest comeback of all was Jesus’ conquering of sin and death. And although I don’t know what is in our future nor do I have a happy earthly ending to this story, I do believe that God can take a terrible situation and use it for our good and His glory. For now, we are thankful for the support and friendship of others who understand and who are also part of this tribe and for the hope that we have in the Lord.

Nicole is the mother of two children here on earth, a son and a daughter, and two precious babies in heaven.

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