Megan’s Story

Andy and I were surprised to find I was pregnant shortly after our sixth wedding anniversary, as I completed my third year of medical school. We had planned to wait to start a family until after I completed residency so I could stay home part time. God apparently had different plans! I initially struggled with feeling excited due to the unanticipated timing and intense nausea and vomiting which lasted into the third trimester. But eventually, I adored being pregnant with our active baby.

I developed cholestasis of pregnancy at 33 weeks, and in the course of extra monitoring, our baby was incidentally found to have heart defects which would require monitoring for several days in the NICU after birth and surgery at four to six months. God gave us so much peace through those weeks of learning and waiting.

I was induced at 38 weeks—as cholestasis has an increased risk of full-term stillbirth—on January 18, 2016, and Simon and I both did so beautifully! I was surprised and elated that, despite induction, I was able to labor and deliver him without an epidural. He was perfectly pink and beautiful with enormous “Shrek” hands and feet, just like his Grandpa Griff. Some of our most “normal” memories were in the small NICU down the hall as we walked from my room several times that night to nurse and hold him.

The next morning, Simon was transferred from the smaller hospital I delivered at to Children’s Hospital New Orleans. Andy and I arrived at the NICU just as his doctors discovered additional defects. Rather than coming home in a few days with months to prepare for surgery, Simon would need surgery within the first ten days of life. Simon’s transfer from New Orleans to Children’s Hospital Colorado—for a surgeon more experienced with his specific defects—was miraculously approved within six hours that Friday afternoon. At every turn, it felt as if God was protecting our sweet boy with a complicated little heart.

Surgery was planned a few days after we arrived in Denver. It went beautifully—even better than anyone expected. A steady stream of doctors trickled through the waiting room to congratulate us and share in our quiet celebration. We got to see Simon briefly in the late evening after surgery, then we were encouraged to go back to the hotel to sleep. We were awakened at 2am by the call no parent should ever receive: Simon’s heart had stopped, and he was being emergently placed on life support.

Over the next twelve days, he suffered horrific complications. Throughout it all, and despite heavy sedation, Simon was himself. He opened his eyes when I sang hymns over him, and quickly pulled his feet away when they were tickled, just as he had done during my pregnancy. He was good-natured, sweet, and strong. As we waited through each exhausting, terrifying day, we read the Psalms for sustenance and prayed desperately for our boy to be spared. Though He was able, God did not give us the miracle we wanted.

On February 10 at 23 days old, Simon’s last trial off ECMO was unsuccessful. We sat together for hours for the first and only time as a family of three, holding Simon and preparing to say goodbye. In the moments after Simon’s death, Andy uttered the words of 1 Corinthians 15:55, “Oh death, where is your victory? Oh death, where is your sting?” Though our grief as his parents was only beginning, we rejoiced that our son’s suffering was finished; he was whole and united with our beautiful Savior.

After Simon’s death, we traveled back to our painfully quiet, empty little house in New Orleans. Bills preceded our return, and we were overwhelmed by the constant arrival of new medical bills in our mailbox. Regardless of our financial security it felt deeply unfair—how could we possibly be responsible for these bills when our dearly-loved boy didn’t come home?

Unbeknownst to us, our coworkers, friends, family, and church-family were collecting funds to ease our enormous financial burden. By God’s providence, the amount they raised was nearly identical to the sum of our medical bills. God’s love and care for us was made manifest through the support of our community. In numerous ways, we saw evidence of God’s presence in the kindness and generosity of strangers and loved ones. Though He often felt absent, God was with us in the overwhelming darkness of grief. He entered the darkness to meet us there.

“I will give you the treasures of darkness and the hoards in secret places, that you may know that it is I, the LORD, the God of Israel, who call you by your name.” 

-Isaiah 45:3

Another “treasure of darkness” was found in a community of fellow-grievers. Simon’s death felt impossible to endure. We knew sustaining hope wouldn’t be found in another baby—as living children are not guaranteed us—or a change in our circumstances, for Simon’s death will be true our entire lives. Indeed, we faced secondary infertility and lost another dearly-loved baby after Simon’s death. We instead sought security in the truth of Christ’s suffering, death, and resurrection. We found hope in the promise of His return—when we would be united with our beautiful Savior and our beautiful children. In Hope Mommies, I have found a community of like-minded women who are broken-hearted and deeply grieving, but clinging to hope in the brokenness.

As we have traversed the years of grief, it has been our desire to offer the same comfort that we received (2 Corinthians 1:3-5) to other families facing the death of a baby. We longingly anticipate the day when death will finally come untrue, but until then we seek to honor God by creating a bit of “Shalom” in this deeply broken world—a treasure hidden in darkness for grieving parents. More than financial care, we know that parents whose babies have preceded them to heaven need hope that can bear the aching weight of death. It is our prayer that you would know the One who can sustain us even when the worst happens.

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Megan and her husband, Andy, are humbled and honored to support grieving families faced with medical bills for their babies gone too soon. Most of all it is their prayer that others would experience the beauty of knowing Jesus Christ as they walk with Him through deepest sorrow. You can find the requirements and application to receive financial assistance through Gift of Hope here.

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