Madison’s Story of Hope

My husband and I found out we were pregnant with our first baby in November of 2023 at about 5 weeks. We were truly overjoyed. We had just celebrated our one year marriage anniversary that October and we were so excited for this next step!

I have always wanted to be a mom since I was a little girl. My career choices changed growing up, but my one constant desire was to be a mom.

Although we knew many people opted to wait until after the first trimester to announce pregnancy, we could not contain the excitement and told our families and close friends around Thanksgiving. Everyone was so excited for us and it made us all the more giddy and ecstatic.

We went to Disney World for a vacation with my family during the first week of December and I had my first OB appointment scheduled for the day after we returned. I was very careful to not go on any rides that would shake me around too much, and I looked up every food item I wasn’t sure about to make sure it was safe to eat.

While in Magic Kingdom, we decided to take advantage of the opportunity to buy a baby outfit to take a picture with in front of the Cinderella’s Castle to use for our pregnancy announcement.

We returned home and I had my first prenatal appointment. I was 10 weeks along. When I initially called and set up the appointment, the representative I spoke with said they wouldn’t perform a sonogram at my appointment because I was too early. I was disappointed because I wanted to see my baby as soon as possible. I realized later on that I was far enough along to reasonably ask for a sonogram and so I did. But to my dismay, they informed me that the particular office I was at that day did not have the equipment to perform a sonogram. I was sad, but I felt comfort after the doctor examined me and said everything looked good. Immediately following the initial appointment and after receiving a good report, we went ahead and posted our pregnancy announcement.

Three days later I started having some very light bleeding, which was dark in color. I called the doctor’s office and they told me to not worry too much, explaining that sometimes it can be late implantation bleeding or a sub-chorionic hemorrhoid  that would resolve on its own. I had no pain accompanied by this blood, so they just advised I keep an eye on it and to go to the hospital if I do end up with any pain. Over the next couple of days, I never really experienced much pain, but I dived into research about miscarriage, late implantation bleeding, sub-chorionic hemorrhoids, and any other potential cause of early pregnancy bleeding. I also asked various women in my community of moms about their experiences in order to obtain more understanding. Through all of that, I learned enough to convince myself the bleeding was most likely from a sub-chorionic hemorrhoid that would resolve on its own and essentially threw out the option of miscarriage. In the back of my mind though, I still felt like something was wrong.

On Saturday morning, I felt slight discomfort in my stomach for a couple of seconds, but nothing close to period cramps, so I hesitantly dismissed it. But on Sunday, I couldn’t take it anymore, I made my husband take me to the hospital because I just needed to know everything was alright and take care of the nagging in the back of my mind. Going to the hospital is never a fun endeavor, nor is it usually short.

They took ultrasounds of my stomach, but I was not allowed to see them and the technician could not tell me anything. I was upset I still would not be able to see my baby, but got over it quickly because I truly believed everything was alright. I thought I knew what the doctor would come back and tell us, but I was naive and wrong.

I never expected the doctor to utter the dreaded words, “There was no heartbeat.” I was shaken. My whole world shattered as I sat up in shock, asking her what that meant. “You suffered a miscarriage,” the doctor clarified before leaving to give us a minute alone while I sat there broken and sobbing. Jacob held me as I cried.

In between tears, in a choked voice, I told him I just wanted to go home. He called the nurse in so we could be discharged. They sent us home with broken hearts and a folder containing our paperwork, bereavement resources, and a  crocheted keepsake square.

It was about 12:30am when we got back into our car to head home. As I sat in the passenger seat while Jacob turned on the car, I could feel the bile coming up, “I’m gonna throw up” I exclaimed. Jacob quickly jumped out to get me a bag from the trunk. Once Jacob made sure I was alright, we started the drive home. There were no words to be said on that dark and rainy drive home. No words, but plenty of tears. Now, over a month later, driving in the rain is hard for me and triggers memories of that night.

We were supposed to get together with friends on Sunday night but had told them we were going to the hospital for some concerns and to not wait up for us. They had texted us all night for updates, and were there to shower us in love, support, and prayer when Jacob told them the heartbreaking news. A few of our friends even brought us dinner and a care package the next night as they hugged us, cried with us, and prayed over us. These are friendships that God knew we would needed when everything came crashing down.

Jacob went back to work on Tuesday, and my sweet friend came to keep me company for a few hours as I was staying home from work all week. She also cried with me, prayed over me, sat in silence with me, brought me food, and was just there for me. Later that afternoon, I started getting more serious cramping. As time went on, the cramping got worse and was more constant; I had gotten the chills and ended up with a fever. When Jacob got home, we called the on-call doctor from my OB’s office. She expressed concern about the fever and wanted to evaluate me to make sure I didn’t have an infection in my uterus.

And so, to the hospital we went for a second time. It turned out that I had no infection, but I did test positive for COVID and I also learned more about what my body was going through. My body was just beginning to recognize that the pregnancy wasn’t viable and started the process of birthing my dead baby. As a missed miscarriage, I was given a few options: I could continue to wait for the natural process, choose to take medication to help the process, or go for a D&C immediately. I decided to go wait for the natural process since my bleeding had already became heavier.

In the following days, my bleeding got lighter little by little, and I finally stopped bleeding completely about a week and a half later. But the damage was done and our sweet baby was no longer with us, no longer growing inside me. I was torn to pieces. Everything about this has been so difficult, but God truly has used every single person in our lives to provide love, support, prayer, and help in practical ways during these rough waters. For that, we are so grateful.

I’ve been trying to put myself back together little by little since then, or rather, trying to allow God to do that, but it hasn’t been easy. Christmas followed closely after my miscarriage and then I went back to work a week after the most traumatic event of my life. It has been an up and down journey since then. I have had good moments and bad moments, and those moments can change at the drop of a hat. It is painful and emotional. I am still grieving and I am still broken with pain and sorrow, but I have hope.

I have faith and hope in God, because I know He holds my baby even now. My baby is in a much better place than this broken world. I know that while hope doesn’t take the pain away, it helps us endure. I’ve realized that there is no escape from the pain. We live in a fallen and broken world. But I know that I have no other option but to cling to God as I move through the pain, feeling every stab, twist, and turn, while looking to God’s promises and holding on to the hope He provides.