Lauren’s Story
My husband and I decided to try expanding our family in December of 2016, and with every month that passed, I learned more about my cycle than I ever thought I would have to know. We began pursuing infertility testing about a year later.
On January 25, 2018, I found out I was pregnant with our precious Logan Lee. We also received the results from my husband’s sperm analysis that day. After the stick turned blue on multiple tests, I paced our apartment for about a half hour in excitement, and then drove to Walmart to prepare a “Daddy Survival Kit” to surprise my husband when he came home that evening.
This baby was an answer to our prayers. We immediately made plans to drive to each of our parents’ houses that weekend to tell our families the news. It was the most awesome feeling to tell my parents that they were going to be grandparents for the first time. I had always intended to tell those I am closes with about any pregnancy early on, so that I would have a support system surrounding me.
From the start, my pregnancy symptoms seemed pretty mild. However, at about eight and a half weeks into the pregnancy, I noticed a decrease in symptoms. I debated whether to contact my doctor, but I just kept telling myself that maybe I was one of those lucky women who don’t have a difficult first trimester. Still, my gut told me something wasn’t right.
At 11 weeks, on March 19, 2018, I went for my first OB appointment. After my ultrasound was completed, I was told that there was no heartbeat. Logan measured at eight weeks and five days. Because of how far along I was, they suspected that Logan probably would not be delivered naturally. Options were presented on how to proceed, and a few days later I decided to have a D&C. The decision became more clear as I continued to have nausea. I wanted to be able to grieve without added physical stress.
The days following this news were extremely difficult and full of a wide variety of emotions. I consider myself lucky to have the support system that we do, especially having two sisters-in-law who have grieved the loss of a child during pregnancy. We began to receive counsel from them and their husbands. I read books suggested by Hope Mommies, listened to a miscarriage podcast, and consumed any helpful resources I could get my hands on.
I’d like to tell you that my journey in processing my grief was transformative with unwavering faith in the Lord. However, my emotions fluctuated. I struggled with guilt, tried to discern the meaning of my loss, and compared my husband’s journey to my own. People said unhelpful things, we were struggling with infertility, and the pregnancy announcements from loved ones seemed endless.
However, as I studied Scripture, I was reminded of the influence of sin on this fallen world—namely the existence of death. God, in His mercy, spared Logan from the pain of this world. Instead, Logan was placed right into the arms of God who loves him more than I can comprehend.
Romans 8:26 says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” Even the worst day of our lives has a purpose. Early on in our journey, my husband introduced me to a song by Shane & Shane called “Though you Slay Me.” This song talks about praising God in times of great pain.
In this version John Piper is featured in the song saying:
“Not only is all your affliction momentary. Not only is all your affliction light in comparison to eternity and the glory there. But all of it is totally meaningful. Every millisecond of your pain from the fallen nature, or fallen man, every millisecond of your misery in the path of obedience is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that. I don’t care if it was cancer, or criticism. I don’t care if it was slander or sickness. It wasn’t meaningless. It’s doing something. It’s not meaningless. Of course, you can’t see what it’s doing. Look to what is not seen. When your mom dies, when your kid dies, when you got cancer at 40, when a car careens onto the sidewalk and takes her out. Don’t say… “It’s meaningless.” It’s not. It’s working for you an eternal weight of glory. Therefore, therefore do not lose heart, but take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach His word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for.”
There is comfort in knowing that all the pain I was experiencing wasn’t meaningless, and God was using it to glorify Him. I couldn’t be more proud as a mother to know my child’s life has been used as a vessel to glorify God. I listened to that song over and over again while mediating on all the reasons why God is good.
Another stepping stone in my grief was a specific moment in my alone time with God. In September, I attended a Christian women’s event which focused on seeking our Father’s heart and my identity in Him without distractions. One of the activities was to write one letter to God, and one from God. To be honest, I historically have a hard time hearing from the Lord. But that day I heard Him loud and clear. I will cherish these beautiful love letters forever. This weekend was a lot of learning, letting go, worshiping God, and reconnecting with my heavenly Father.
I miss Logan every day. My arms and heart ache for my baby, but I find joy in the fact that my baby didn’t have to experience the pain of this world and is now in the presence of God. I am so excited for the day when I will meet my eldest child.
God is good all the time. All the time God is good.
- Lauren Baumann
Hope Mom to Logan Lee
Lauren resides in Milwaukee, WI with her husband Lucas. She is the Hope Mommy to Logan Lee, and is anxiously awaiting the arrival of her first child this side of heaven in August 2019.
We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.
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