Kristin’s Story
After three years of tearful prayers and longing, my husband and I were ecstatic when we learned we were expecting our first child. This baby, a little boy we named Ethan, was a long-awaited answer to many prayers and we praised God for this precious gift. “God is so faithful,” we heard again and again, as we shared the news with the countless friends and family who had been praying for us over the years. God’s faithfulness felt so evident in our lives and our hearts overflowed with gratitude.
At our 20-week anatomy scan, we learned that Ethan displayed a variety of concerning markers. We were later told our sweet baby boy had Full Trisomy 9, a fatal chromosome abnormality.
Ethan Daniel Hernandez was born on August 16, 2015, and spent 93 minutes in our arms before Jesus called him home. It was simultaneously the most beautiful and the most devastating day of our lives up until that point. I felt heartbroken and betrayed by God. As I sorted through the aftermath of such a devastating loss, I wrestled with God and grappled with the question: Had God been unfaithful to us?
I had a relationship with Jesus prior to this, but losing Ethan really pushed me toward reading God’s Word and drawing near to Him in prayer. My prayers were often tearful and angry. I gripped on to Him and His Word as I wrestled and, over time, I began to see the beauty of the gospel and the indescribable hope we have because of Jesus. I began to see just how much scripture addresses and even promises suffering for the believer and how desperate we are for our Redeemer.
About six months after we lost Ethan, my husband and I found ourselves expecting our second child. Our grieving hearts were nervous, but quickly embraced that life growing inside of me. Our hearts broke when I miscarried our second child at 5 weeks.
I discovered I was expecting our third child on the morning of Ethan’s first birthday. It felt as if God was giving us a beautiful gift on a day that held so much grief. My hurting heart was quickly filled with love for this child. When I was 8 weeks pregnant, I began to miscarry––a month-long process that felt so painful both physically and emotionally.
In the months following our third loss, I started to experience physical symptoms that eventually led to a PCOS diagnosis. I stopped ovulating and it seemed we would have a long road of infertility treatments ahead of us. As I wrestled, I began to surrender my dream of bringing home a child I had birthed. Months later, my husband and I began to feel called toward foster care. We began the application process, praying that God would close the door if He had other plans for our family. The same week we were scheduled to meet with our case worker for the first time, I had a routine follow-up appointment to check on my PCOS. I was shocked when my doctor said, “Your cysts are completely gone…did you know you’re pregnant?” A future ultrasound revealed two wiggly babies and two healthy heartbeats. We were expecting identical twins.
Our pregnancy with the twins felt miraculous (though I believe every life is). It seemed as if God was restoring us with a double portion of faithfulness at a time when we had fully surrendered our plans to Him. We felt confirmation that we needed to withdraw from the foster care process and cautiously, yet hopefully, began to prepare for life with two newborn babies.
When I was nearly 11 weeks pregnant, I had another ultrasound with my doctor. This time, instead of the whooshing of two strong heartbeats, I was met with the sound of silence. Our twins had stopped growing the week before and a D&C was scheduled for the next morning.
I felt as if God had led me out into the wilderness and left me there. I often came to Him broken and angry. As I angrily pounded on His chest like a little child, crying out my frustrations to Him, He never once pushed me away or turned his back on me. Rather, He drew me close and gently whispered who He is—sovereign, loving, faithful. As I searched scripture for something to cling to, He revealed His promises to us over and over. He is no more faithful in seasons of prosperity than in seasons of suffering. His word and His promises stand true even when everything else seems to fall apart. Scripture is filled with promises, yet an easy life is not one of them.
A few months later, we became pregnant with our sixth child. I breathed easier as we passed each milestone––clear tests, a reassuring scan at 12 weeks, and a “perfect” anatomy scan. When I was 22-weeks pregnant, I unexpectedly began to experience preterm labor and was hospitalized with incompetent cervix. As I laid in the hospital on bedrest I prayed God would help me trust Him and believe He was good, even if He said “no”. I felt as if I had no words left to pray and asked the Holy Spirit to intercede for me. By the grace of God, I remained on hospital bedrest for 10 weeks until our son “A” was born healthy at 32 weeks gestation. He spent a month in the NICU and is now a healthy, sweet, silly 3-year-old.
It could be easy for me to look at our living son’s life and to say, “God was so faithful.” But the reality is, God has always been faithful to us. His faithfulness was not contingent on our circumstances and our youngest son did not redeem us (though we’re incredibly thankful for his life). Bringing home a baby would never redeem my story—a baby, Jesus Christ, fully God and fully man, already came to redeem me in a way nothing else ever could.
God’s faithfulness is just that—faithful, unchanging. The very definition of faithfulness is that it cannot be shaken. If God is perfect and true, then we can conclude that His faithfulness is as well. His faithfulness to us is not contingent on our outward circumstances or even on our own faithfulness to him. 2 Timothy 2:13 says, “If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot disown Himself” (NIV). Faithfulness is not an attribute that God puts on when He “feels like it”—it is at the very core of His character.
I am so thankful for this truth. God has been and remains so faithful, even as I grieve the five babies who are now with Him. What a comfort to rest in God’s faithfulness not only in seasons of celebration, but also when our plans unravel and our hearts ache.
- Kristin
Hope Mom to Ethan Daniel Hernandez and 4 Hernandez Babies
Kristin Hernandez is a writer, podcaster, and mother to six children––one in her arms and five with Jesus. She has walked through infertility, miscarriages, and the loss of an infant, and is passionate about sharing hope with grieving women. Kristin enjoys sunny days outside with family, connecting with friends over coffee, roller coasters, and telling others about Jesus’ goodness in the midst of suffering. She lives in Southern California with her husband and living son. Connect with Kristin on Instagram at @sunlightindecember or online at sunlightindecember.com.
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