Kelly’s Story

We had always wanted a big family, Before we were even married, we knew we wanted at least four or five kids. So, even though it came as a bit of a surprise, when we found out I was pregnant with number six, I was so excited. All of my previous pregnancies and deliveries had gone wonderfully, but I’m an ultrasound technologist myself, and had seen tragedy strike in my patients. I wondered if this would ever happen to me.

When the first abnormality was detected at 10 weeks, I knew how serious it could be. One week later, the specialist looked me in the eye and told me he was suspicious that our precious baby had a chromosome abnormality that was likely fatal. He continued to ask if we were interested in termination. I was devastated. How could I make the decision to end my child’s life? Her life was important, and I would carry her and cherish her for as long as God had intended.

“For You formed my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well.”
Psalms 139:13-14

The rest of the pregnancy was full of ups and downs, highs and lows. God was showing us that He was there, answering our prayers, and uplifting us in a way I didn’t know was possible. Our blood test revealed that the doctor was wrong. It was not the chromosome abnormality that he thought, but we didn’t know what her physically abnormalities meant.

Would she be disabled, mentally or physically?

Would she come home with us, or be called home to Jesus?

These thoughts constantly raced in my mind. There were days where the uncertainty of our future and our baby’s future threatened to swallow me up. It was in those moments that I just cried out to Jesus, most of the time not even knowing what to pray for.

My husband always liked to be surprised by the gender. But this time was different. Our time with our baby would very possibly be limited, and we wanted to know him or her as much as possible. We were excited to learn that we were having a girl. Some dear friends of ours shared a story of the birth of their daughter. They had chosen Lily for her name because of God’s promise that He cares for the lilies of the field just as He cares for us. Our six year old son suggested that we name our daughter Lily, and we all agreed. Grace was chosen for her middle name, because God’s grace was the only thing that carried us through this scary time in our lives.

The day came that I had been terrified of. The words that I always dreaded telling my patients, I was now hearing for myself.

“There’s no heartbeat.”

How was I going to do this? How was I going to deliver my lifeless baby and then go home empty handed? I walked into that OR with a supernatural will that could only be provided by the Lord, Himself.

The physical and emotional challenges of this pregnancy were the hardest things I had ever endured. Her deformities caused her swallowing to be limited, and the amniotic fluid increased to an extreme amount. I felt (and probably looked) as if i was carrying quadruplets. We made the decision to deliver her via c-section. Her arms stayed in a fixed position at her chest and made having a natural birth risky, so we decided on a c-section in order to preserve and respect her precious body as much as possible. The physical challenges on my body matched the emotional pain I was feeling. My c-section scar is my daily reminder of my love and sacrifice for my daughter.

They handed me my baby girl, and it was the most heartbreaking and yet peaceful moment of my life. I had prayed that the Lord would heal her, and He did. It was just not in the way I had hoped for. I could trust that she was in the arms of Jesus, Himself.

We spent the entire time in the hospital holding our precious baby. After 36 hours, the funeral director came to get her, and I handed her over myself, knowing that I would now have to walk out of that hospital with an empty baby blanket. Our hearts were full, but our arms empty. I still sleep with her blanket at night, often wishing I was holding her instead.

God provided an amazing support system for us. The support of our family, friends, and church families uplifted us in the coming months. This came in forms of friends bringing meals, coming to our Lily’s service, and sending text messages and cards. I will never forget their kindness and love. One friend came up to me at church with tears in her eyes. When she offered me a silent hug, I was so comforted. She said more to me in those quiet moments that any words she could have uttered.

Grief came in waves. My dad had passed away three years before, and the grief hit me like a freight train. I had no idea how to process my grief. This time was different. It felt more like a slow, chronic disease with no end in sight. The mixed feelings and confusion still seemed to consume me.

While the support of friends and family were so uplifting, I was also hurt by some. Hurt by people that said nothing at all, pretending as though she never existed. And then life moved on, as it, of course, must do. But I couldn’t. Christmas was so hard for me. There were presents that should have been under the tree. How could everyone just act like everything was ok? Had they forgotten about her, about me? Why was I feeling this way?

I was being unfair. I slowly realized that my support and comfort must come from God. He hadn’t forgotten about her or me. He understood me and my grief, even when I couldn’t understand it myself.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord Your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”
Deuteronomy 31:6

I think of 2018 and am filled with sadness, but also thankfulness. The mercy and grace that the Lord provided to get us through that year makes my heart swell with love for Him. I am thankful that we survived this tragedy. And thankful that instead of ripping my marriage apart, we could grow and become closer in our relationship. And most of all, I am thankful for the 34 weeks that I got to have with my precious Lily. I was chosen to be her mom. I got to cherish her for 34 weeks, and I get to love her for the rest of my life.

We can grieve in this life with hope. I know I will hold my sweet Lily Grace again. She is my constant reminder of Jesus, and that this earth is not my home. One day, I will be reunited with her and my earthly father, and will get to meet my heavenly Father face to face. Oh, what a glorious day that will be.

“But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.”
1 Thessalonians 4:13

Kelly lives with her husband, Seth in Iowa. They have six children, five at home and one in heaven. She loves coffee, listening to worship music, and snuggling on the couch watching movies. And she loves her family and Jesus.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.