Katie’s Story

It had been nearly a year since our early miscarriage and we yearned for a sibling here for our almost 3-year-old son. I had recently finished reading a book on prayer which inspired me to keep a prayer journal and be more intentional in seeking quiet time with the Lord.

I began to recognize that my fervent desire (bordering on obsession) to expand our family had become an idol to me. A verse that I continued to meditate on during that time says, “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4). These words sank deep as I began to understand that the Lord promises to place His desires in our heart, not necessarily to grant my earthly desires. Not long after I realized my need to rest in His sovereignty over the circumstances of my life and to focus on my absolute completeness in Him, I received the gift of a positive pregnancy test.

After struggling with infertility and losing a baby to miscarriage, we were thrilled to welcome another child into our family, yet we were not naive in thinking that a positive pregnancy test guarantees a baby in our arms. We decided to entrust this also to the Lord, asking people to pray with us for the strength to rest in God’s sovereignty rather than give in to all our fears. My pregnancy progressed without complication, and at one point my OB referred to it as “boring” because each checkup, ultrasound, and lab result were normal. We felt so blessed during this time and were excited to learn that we would be parents to another boy. Each night, we prayed as a family for the health of our baby as we put big brother to bed.

As December and my due date approached, the anticipation to meet our “Christmas baby” continued to grow. I had a rapid delivery with my first, so we prepared for a second speedy delivery by asking our parents to take shifts coming to be with us. We had already talked with big brother about when he would come visit us at the hospital and hold his little brother for the first time. We had so much joy envisioning these moments to come.

About a day after my parents’ arrival, my mom developed a flu-like illness. A few days later, I came down with the same. My husband and I prayed fervently that I would not deliver until I had recovered, hoping I could avoid passing these symptoms along to baby. Unfortunately, big brother was next to get sick, and we spent the following day focused on him. I still felt foggy from illness and lack of sleep, and as we got ready for bed that evening I became worried that I hadn’t felt the baby move all day. I shared my concern with my husband, but because I had my 38 week check first thing the next morning, we decided to rest and wait. A few things stand out in my memory about the following hours: tossing and turning throughout the night, my husband’s hand on my belly checking for movement, and waking with a sense of dread the next morning as I vigorously rubbed my belly and prayed for a sign of life.

At my appointment, the OB immediately went to check his heartbeat with the Doppler. As she struggled to find it, my heart began to race and I continued to beg the Lord for his life. She eventually found a heartbeat, yet we later realized it had only been mine beating way too fast due to my fears. We were taken straight to ultrasound and the tech began to check his position and measurements and examine his heart. My husband and I are both in the medical field and have some familiarity with ultrasound, certainly enough to identify a beating heart.

We must have been in such a state of disbelief that we failed to see that his heart was not beating until our OB came in to confirm. I can’t explain the shock and devastation we felt in those initial moments after learning our sweet boy was already gone from us. We chose to go straight to the hospital to deliver, as I couldn’t imagine going home to face my son or our family with the news. When we arrived at the ED, I had a few moments alone in the car when my husband went in to inform them of our arrival. As the reality of our loss and the task I was faced with started to sink in, I began to scream and beg the Lord to make another way—exclaiming that I couldn’t do any of the things I was being asked—to face a labor with no reward, to deliver this still, silent boy when I longed to hear him cry, to leave the hospital with empty hands, and to tell big brother that none of the things we had prepared him for were to be.

In these desperate moments, I cannot explain the sense of peace I experienced as the Lord overwhelmed me with His presence. It was as if He said, “Daughter, you are loved even though you can’t understand why I have allowed this in your life. You do not have to face this alone; I am with you.” When my husband came back to the car, my steady stream of tears did not cease, but I felt that I could somehow face what was to come. The Labor and Delivery staff who greeted us were well prepared to handle devastating outcomes like ours, and they treated us with such kindness and a compassion that I will never forget.

We had chosen a few names during my pregnancy, but decided to wait until we met our sweet boy to decide. During labor, we realized that none of the names we had chosen were adequate for our boy. We chose the name Emmanuel as God was surely with us, sustaining us through each heartbreaking breath. Through God’s grace alone, both my labor and delivery were peaceful. On December 23, 2014 we met our beautiful second born son. With the encouragement of our nurses, we enjoyed holding him and shared him with a few family members and friends.

Nothing could take away the pain of leaving that hospital without our dearly beloved baby boy, but once again, God-given strength equipped us to do the impossible. We went home on Christmas Eve, to share both our heartbreak and hopes with our older son. Each painful step we took thereafter, visiting the cemetery and funeral home the day after Christmas, choosing an outfit for burial, planning his service, and of course the inevitable day that my body forgot that I had no baby to nurse and my milk came in, we were covered in the Lord’s loving care. I can’t begin to list all the ways that our community loved and grieved with us during this time and we are forever grateful that once again, we were not alone—Emmanuel!

I have since battled anger, bitterness, and near-despair at times. The Lord has continued to walk with me on this grief journey, as I have struggled to make sense of His goodness and promises which remain unchanged despite my circumstances. I have never thirsted and sought after Him as I have over the past 2 years. At the end of Job’s season of trial upon trial he says, “My eyes had heard of You but now my eyes have seen You” (Job 42:5). The Lord has revealed Himself to me in such life-giving ways that I am certain could only be birthed through the earthly death of my son.

Katie Tokarsky is a Kentucky native, Philadelphia transplant, now Virginia resident who is blessed to be married to her amazing husband Drew. Katie and Drew are both Physician Assistants who met during graduate school. They are honored to parent their son Graham, on earth and look forward to a sweet reunion with their son, Emmanuel, and precious baby in Glory. Katie enjoys reading, running, leading worship at her church, and coffee, especially when shared with friends.