Justine’s Story

On January 26, 2018, my baby boy Jase James stopped breathing in his sleep. At just 5 months old, our little boy had died to SIDS. His death was shocking, devastating, and left me disappointed with God. In the moments before meeting my son in the hospital I watched on the monitoring app on my phone while our sitter tried to revive my son.

I prayed fervently to God, “God please let my son live. God let my son have a pulse. Please, God let Jase have a pulse.” As the EMT’s arrived I listened intently for someone to say he was showing some signs of life. As they examined him and took over CPR, one of the EMT’s said, “No pulse. No Breath.” I screamed in horror, and ultimately ended up standing in the operating room, where God did not answer my prayer the way I asked—no begged and pleaded with all my heart—for Him to answer it.

Devastation does not even describe the moments following the four words no mother should ever hear about her child, “Time of Death 11:36.” My husband and I had lost our second child, and my oldest daughter had lost her baby brother. But navigating his sudden death this past year has become more than something I’m going through. It has been a way for God to shape my heart.

As I searched for the answer to the question, “Why?” I looked for answers anywhere and everywhere. Conference calls with various professionals and the medical examiner’s office left us more lost and confused. I turned to family members, friends, articles, books, random support groups, and even social media to get some sort of direction as to where I could find the answer to my “Why?” Instead of direction or answers, I was more lost, confused, and hurt—filled with emptiness and false truths. When, after a hopeless few weeks, a dear friend messaged me various pieces of Scripture, her direction spurred my heart. So I turned to Scripture to ask God, “Why?”

I felt betrayed, hurt, and frustrated with God for allowing our healthy little boy to just stop breathing at nap time. Even more so for when He did not answer my prayer the way I wanted Him to. When I finally gave Him every emotion and began asking “Why?” He comforted my grieving heart. I could visually see and physically feel Psalms 23 playing out in my grief. Day after day, I met God in Scripture and in prayer. He was making my anxious heart lay down beside green pastures. He showed me that there, across the still waters, was my little boy in the distance—smiling, safe, and full of life in God’s presence. And then, He humbled me by showing me who exactly it was that I was questioning. The more I dug into Scripture to understand the tidbits of what heaven is like, the more I saw the goodness and the love of our God.

Seeing how death is something that every person in history has to endure—a fact that, before Jase died, would have made me uncomfortable to the point of avoidance—I became obsessed to understand it more. I intentionally began digging through Scripture to read the words surrounding how each person in the Bible had died, how they were gathered up to heaven to be with their eternal family (Genesis 25:8), and how when death first entered to mankind, God immediately had a plan to use death for not only His glory but for our eternal good (Genesis 3:15, Galatians 4:4). Through His son, Jesus, we are able to dwell with God and to live as God intended for us to live (Revelation 22).

In comparison to these Scriptural truths, here death had become a part of my life. It had quickly and unexpectedly moved into our family. I was facing the fact that it wasn’t going anywhere. In my search to understand Jase’s death, I learned how, in God’s sovereignty, He intentionally created a place for my baby, a place where Jase, too, was gathered up to be with his eternal family in heaven. Jase is with Christ, which is better by far (Philippians 1:23). God did answer my prayer, just not in the way I wanted. In His sovereignty, He showed how His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9). In spite of my limited understanding and the curse of sin upon the world, glorious things are planned for you and I as well. That is where my hope lies and where my heart is changed.

I grieve my baby’s loss every day with an expectant hope. I hope in not only seeing my son again in heaven, but also in the glorious things that come along with that eternal gift—to finally love and be loved in the presence of God, to live where there is no more death and no more endless nights of sobbing into my pillow. My hope lies in the promises of Christ, God’s sovereign goodness, and the hope of living a new life for all eternity with the Lord. I have expectant hope of meeting Jase one day—to live, play, and love in complete fullness forever.

My prayer is that you will look for yourself to understand God’s plan for your Hope Baby as well— that you will feel encouraged by God’s promises for you and your baby, experience God’s unwavering comfort, and know that He is not far off in your time of distress (Psalm 34:4).

Hey Yall! My name is Justine and I am from College Station, TX. I am a stay-at-home mommy to my daughter Caroline, our puppy girl Lulu, and hope mom to Jase. I spend most evenings painting along with Bob Ross. I love a good book and a cup of coffee any time of day or cuddling up on the couch with a good movie with my family.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.