Jessica’s Story

My husband kept asking when we could try for another baby. I kept delaying. It seemed so overwhelming with a busy toddler at home. But the time came when I felt ready to try. Conceiving happened just as quickly as it did with our firstborn. It gave me hope and encouragement that it seemed effortless for our bodies. It seemed like a sign that our bodies were healthy. I didn’t fear anything would go wrong because the first pregnancy was smooth sailing.

But unlike my previous pregnancy, things seemed more difficult. My allergies flared up, my lungs struggled to breathe, and doctors altered my medications. I felt uneasy about the health of our baby as my body faced these challenges. I wish I would have asked to see an OB sooner. It surprised me that my fist appointment wouldn’t happen until eight weeks. I reached out to our pastors for prayer for the health and development of our baby. We chose not to tell others until we felt more safe with the pregnancy.

Despite the allergies, the pregnancy felt normal—no abnormal pain, no bleeding, no warning signs with my hcg levels. In less than 24 hours, however, this all changed drastically. 

The next morning I laid curled up in bed. It hurt to move. It hurt to sit, lay down, and go the bathroom. I had no desire for breakfast or coffee. “Maybe it’s a UTI,” I thought, trying to keep myself from thinking the worst. 

Even in difficult situations God’s timing seems to always be on point. Just like with my appendicitis, this all happened while my husband started to get ready for work. I told him we needed to go to the emergency room. He took Levi to Grandma’s, called his boss, and came back to take me to the hospital. I can’t imagine him not there to help me. I am thankful I didn’t have to scramble to find childcare or get myself to the hospital.

Thoughts raced through my head. Maybe I should have seen the doctor sooner, or not ignored the pulled muscle feeling in my right side the previous evening, or called when I had cramping. But God reminded me that I can’t live in the “what if” scenarios. He reminded me that He doesn’t waste any hurts and that this would be used for His glory.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”
Romans 8:28

Nurses, techs, and doctors kept coming in and out of the room for various reasons: hooking me to fluids, taking blood and urine samples, and then for an ultrasound. I didn’t feel anything; I was just in shock. I just went through the motions as I waited for a diagnosis and solution. Then the doctor told us the tech suspected an ectopic pregnancy. 

“It’s not a UTI or infection?” I asked, hoping for a different response. 

The doctor informed us that it wasn’t. “The tech suspects an ectopic, but we will wait for the doctor to confirm.” They started pre-op protocol just in case I needed surgery. I asked my husband for prayer. It felt like time stopped, everything was moving so slow. 

My pain increased with each passing moment. Eventually the doctor came in to confirm an ectopic pregnancy. She explained the procedure, telling me that my tube had ruptured, I would lose a baby and a tube, and that the pain was caused by internal bleeding. She said she needed to do an emergency procedure and the OR would be re-arranged to accommodate me. 

I was screaming because the pain became unbearable. The doctors worked hard to get me medicine but my IV wasn’t cooperating. The pain intensified as they tried to relocate the IV. I didn’t feel scared, worried, or even sad at this time. The shock and pain engulfed every other passing thought. The doctors assured my husband they would call with an update. I asked him to go get Levi while he waited, then hugged and kissed him before he left.

When I got home I went straight to bed to rest. My husband and son took care of me. Levi brought me a popsicle to help the soreness from a breathing tube. They brought me ice for my belly.  All I wanted to do was cry, but it hurt my abdomen too much. In every movement I hurt and felt uncomfortable. I couldn’t fall asleep so I distracted myself by watching a show. 

Saturday night’s schedule prior to surgery was to attend the young adult gathering at our church. I felt drained but wanted to be around people. I wanted to socialize, feel God’s love, and have fellowship. God blessed our time there and Levi enjoyed playing. I felt so grateful for our church family and facility.

All my sadness seemed to pour out at once during service on Sunday. I can’t even recall the songs we sang, but I cried through every single one. The heaviness of losing our baby combined with the loss of part of my reproductive system overwhelmed me. The comfort of Christ covered me like a warm fuzzy blanket as I felt the truths in those songs wash over me.

Pastor Craig then proceeded to the stage to wrap up a sermon series on Abraham. Through no coincidence, but in God’s goodness, it was a message on faith through the testimonial pregnancy of Abraham and Sarah and a personal testimony from Craig and his wife. The stories exemplified God’s glory during or after trials. Despite the difficulty, it reminded me to trust God and cling to my faith in Him even while it was being tested and stretched.

I don’t know why this happened to me, why I didn’t get to carry a healthy full-term baby, or why it didn’t happen earlier to prevent me from losing a fallopian tube. But because of my faith in God, I know that He has a purpose. I know that He ordained the timing for me to get to the hospital, and that He carrier me through the operation. God spared my life during a situation that could have been fatal.

I am remembering to lean on God for strength. Psalm 18:1-2 says, “I love you, Lord; you are my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.”  

I trust that my hurt will not be wasted. I believe that God’s faithfulness, glory, and power will shine through my testimony. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 reads, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses and in the insults, hardships, persecutions and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I find myself identifying with the suffering of Christ, especially as it relates to Mary losing her son. She bore, raised, and walked alongside the Savior of the world—the One who would die for my sins. She saw her son crucified for our sake. But glory be to God, their story didn’t end there. He rose again. This is humbling to me.

Grieving the loss of my unborn child is difficult. However, it also leads me to gratefulness. I am thankful God gave me a son who brings me joy, love, laughter and growth. I am thankful to be married to a loving, caring, helpful and hard working man. God blessed us with amazing people in our lives. God’s love is being put on display by the outpour of blessings through friends and family. People have texted, called, dropped off care packages, delivered meals or groceries, and shared their own testimonies of losing an unborn child. Seeing the hand of God amidst my pain turns my sadness to joy. Although the rollercoaster of emotions still come and go, I rest in the promises and hope of my God.

Just before this happened, I felt that we were meant to have three children. I am not sure if this is merely a passing thought, or if it is God whispering a message of hope to my heart. I am praying that God will bless us with more children. I pray that God spares me from any more loss.

I am nervous to try again. I am nervous to be pregnant again. I don’t even know if it will happen. At times I am scared that it won’t, but I’m trying to trust in God’s plan for us. I am trusting God with my hopes and desires. I am praying and leaning on God’s strength, peace, comfort, love, and patience.

Life on earth is hard. I have good days and bad days. I experience moments of strength and moments of sadness. Certain things trigger my grief, but I find joy and peace knowing that my precious baby is in heaven. I don’t know what that looks like exactly for an unborn child, but I know that my baby has been fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God. 

Psalm 139:15-16 reads, “You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.”

This truth brings me peace and hope. I look forward to a day when I can embrace my baby in heaven. And with each passing day I know God is with me, holding my hand through my grief, and carrying me through my sadness.

I am a woman of God, a wife, and a mother. I stay at home mostly full time with our 2.5 year old son Levi. I serve in various ministries at my church and have a heart for writing. Since becoming a Christian, God has used my gift to share my faith on my own personal blog, through a letter writing ministry at church, and hopefully one day to publish a book.