Infertility After Loss

Each child gone ahead from among us is a precious person made in the image of God—and all having been made into Hope Moms, we together declare motherhood in each of our journeys. Through this series, we honor each other’s experiences of motherhood in love through our shared God of hope.

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When I was a newlywed, I struggled with the thought of wanting children. My time, money, and freedom were all too valuable to me to the point where I wasn’t sure I should even be married. Marriage proved very difficult for us, and around that same time, I was very hurt by people in the church. It all left me bitter, frustrated, and confused as to what my purpose was as a believer. 

My discontentment ultimately led me to seek something better—the Lord—instead of my own needs. God worked in various ways through this trial, but a primary tool He used was the book, “Satisfy my Thirsty Soul” by Linda Dillow. Through her skillful writing, Linda always directed me to God’s Word and taught me about private worship, how to acknowledge God, and how to submit all aspects of my life to His authority each day. That included my own desires, needs, and pridefulness. 

These realizations changed my life, my worship, and my relationship with the Lord and my husband, which later changed my heart towards desiring children. With time, I became excited and humbled that the Lord would trust me to teach, guide, and grow His children. I was convinced this was where my gifts were intended to be used and what God was preparing me for all along. It was all part of some of my most wearisome sanctification, yet also a huge breakthrough. I finally saw that seeking to grow our family was God’s will for me in obedience to Him.

“My soul, wait silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him.” –Psalm 62:5 (NKJV)

All this brought us to the first year of trying. Slowly, my impatience was met with conviction and learning how to fit this waiting period into my new found understanding. Through His Word, I learned that God alone was my hope, my sure expectation, even when other desires in life fell short. He kept bringing me to verses that taught me to wait on Him—not to bring me a baby in His timing, but to wait on Him instead of a baby. This meant having a true eternal perspective—waiting with anticipation for His return or for my unification with Him, whichever came first. 

After about a year of trying to conceive, we started medical testing that was never completed because we found out we were pregnant with our first born, Anna. I wrote this prayer in surrender only the month before we conceived:

“God, I know You’ve determined my form of motherhood. I do trust You. I don’t feel barren. I know better because I’m Yours, Your creation. I will serve You as biological mom, adoptive mom, foster mom, or mentor mom—whatever You call—I’ll follow. Lord, draw me closer daily to You. This battle is Yours. Psalm 39:7 ‘And now Lord what do I wait for? My hope is in You’”

I didn’t know that the “whatever” I prayed for would include being a mom to a baby in heaven until Anna was born unexpectedly at 17 weeks. 

We knew we wanted to try again fairly soon after, and I thought it would deservingly happen with ease. Despite my plans, the first year came and went again quickly. I found that infertility after loss is a terribly odd dichotomy of simultaneously grieving a baby’s absence and desiring new life. I knew the next baby wouldn’t replace Anna; I didn’t want it to. But my impatience to enjoy pregnancy and motherhood, and the perceived unfairness of our situation, tempted me to question God’s perfect care for me. 

We began the process of testing again, this time more thoroughly and in depth. Meanwhile, I had surgery to help prevent further pregnancy loss and address another seriously inconvenient health threat. “Really, God?” I would exclaim as an honest expression of frustration. It felt tortuous, like I’d had enough trial and this next hurdle couldn’t possibly be warranted. 

Many fellow hope mommies that I have met along the way have gone on to have their next baby after loss, while I’m still trying to get past step one. I often feel stuck in the illusion of being in limbo. I find myself again and again with my focus right back on myself instead of on God.

My natural inclination is to question God, feel left out, and demand relief from the pain, all of which only leads me to the same bitterness and discontentment I experienced early in marriage. 

I have to continually practice (key word: practice) fixing my eyes on the Lord and the truth of who He is. It is there that I am able to wait well, bow my will, and count it all joy in all my trials, no matter how long they last (James 1:2-4). The Lord draws me near each day through my yearning for children, the grief of losing Anna, and the continuous reminders that I am not my own god. I look back and see how He has prepared me to endure this continuing trial with diligence, not because it is my strength and natural ability to endure with devotion, but because it was and still is my weakness.

As I write this, Anna’s second birthday is close on the horizon, yet we remain childless after great effort. The reality is, that despite having the conviction to start a family, a living baby was never promised to me by the Lord; I cannot stand with confidence that this is His exact plan for me. What is promised though—and what I will stand on with confident assurance—is His continual presence and His eventual return to redeem creation. 

Therefore, I hope only in Him (Lamentations 3:24). Thankfully, His ways are not mine (Isaiah 55:8), but so much grander, and I look forward to seeing them unfold. This trial is exhausting in all regards, but the foundation He prepared keeps reminding me: I am not waiting on a baby.

“If you want to fully know the goodness of God,

 give yourself more than ever to a life of waiting on Him.” –Andrew Murray

Fellow Hope Mommy, are you in a similar, very taxing, period of waiting? If so, I urge you to join me in bowing all that you have to the trustworthy One over and over again. Let’s wait with sure expectation on Him alone instead of on a baby.

“I bow my knees.
I bow my words.
I bow my attitude.
I bow my work.
I bow my times of waiting.
I bow my pain.
I bow my will.
I bow ONLY to HIM.”
—Linda Dillow

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I am married to Justin and Hope Mommy to Anna Joy. We live in sunny south Florida where I love reading, writing, teaching, and just being with family & friends! I work in the hospital as a RN, and humbly serve as volunteer Nurse Manager at our local pregnancy resource center, Care Net. My personal ministry passions include leading women to deeper understanding of Jesus’ truth through their marriage struggles, sexuality, and miscarriage.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.

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