I Wish You Knew: Remember With Me

Often in our grief, those closest to us do not know how to comfort and encourage us. Sometimes they stay away or don’t say anything at all because they are afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. In this series, we hope to better equip those around us to come alongside a grieving mother—to enter their hurt and offer hope and encouragement, or simply grieve with them.

It has been four years since the day we were told that our precious Simeon had gone to be with the Lord. Eight months later we experienced that same devastating sorrow as we said goodbye to another sweet baby, our Odelle.

There were many days where it seemed as if the whole world had gone ahead as normal—everyone and everything unchanged—except for me. I was left, my empty arms aching, with the reality of what never would be. Never hearing the sound of my babies’ laughter, never planning their first birthdays, never watching them grow.

But in those early days, when the sorrow felt like a constant, searing pain in my heart, there was a sweet and healing balm added to my soul whenever someone would step into my grief and remember my babies with me.

I remember being at my parents’ house that first Christmas after Simeon had passed away. Everything in their home was decorated for the holidays. As I was sitting on the couch in their living room, my eye caught sight of a little, felt stocking ornament hanging on their tree. Simeon’s name had been written on the stocking in gold paint. This small act of remembering instantly brought tears to my eyes. To see Simeon’s name displayed on that tree along with mine, my husband’s, my brothers’, and my other children’s names was such a gift. The following year, a stocking had been added for Odelle as well.

I don’t think my mom realized just how much that would mean to me. But seeing their names on the tree each year points to the fact that someone else is thinking about my babies. Remembering them. Missing them.

I have a box in my closet filled with letters I have received over the years from friends and family who have taken the time to remember our babies. Some were sent on the anniversaries of our babies’ “heaven days.” Others were written just to let me know that I was being prayed for and our babies were missed. Each one is a treasured reminder of the gracious community that God has surrounded me with. As the day to day routine of my life continued on to the rhythm of my new normal, these moments, when others paused in order to remember with me, were a breath of fresh air.

The summer after Odelle had gone to be with the Lord, we had gotten together with my husband’s family. Since all of his siblings and their families were going to be together, we had planned to take a big family picture. Once we were all dressed in coordinating colors and ready for the picture, my mother-in-law handed me two yellow flowers to represent our two babies in heaven. My sister-in-law who had also experienced infant loss was also holding a flower to represent her sweet Hope Baby. It was important to my mother-in-law that all of her grand children be included in this family picture, and it was profoundly encouraging to me knowing that I wasn’t the only one who was acutely aware of the precious ones whose faces would be missing from the picture.

I could include dozens of other examples of the love and care I received from friends and family who remembered our babies with us—of the texts, calls, letters, gifts, and encouragement I’ve received from those who were standing in the gap with me. Each story marks a moment in my grief when the weight of missing my babies was lightened by someone who was willing to carry it with me.

Dear one, if there is something I could share with you about walking alongside a grieving friend, it would be this: Every time you are intentional to remember with them you are pouring hope and healing into their wounded hearts. Whenever you acknowledge their loss, you are entering into their pain, helping them shoulder their heartbreaking burden, and reminding them that they are not alone in their grief.

Perhaps even now there is someone in your life that you could come alongside in grief. Write them a letter. Send a text to let them know you are praying for them and missing their loved one too, Plant a tree, or make a charitable donation in honor of the one they have lost. Make note of the dates that are significant in their loss and check in on them on those days. Enter into their sorrow and remember with them.

By choosing to remember, you are acknowledging the significance of the life that was loss, and filling the grieving heart with comfort and encouragement.

“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.”
1 Thessalonians 5:11

To those who have gone out of their way to remember with me: thank you. I wish I could express just how deeply these acts of remembrance have touched my soul. On the days when the weight of my sorrow seemed too great to bear, God used each of you to lift up my head so I could fix my eyes on the far-reaching love of God. As you remembered my babies with me, God strengthened me to carry on.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow.”
Ecclesiasted 4:9-10a