Grief Slows Us Down

After the death of Aaron (who was Moses’ brother and the high priest of Israel) Scripture gives us a glimpse into the way God’s people made space for mourning.

.…And Aaron died there on the top of the mountain… And when all the congregation saw that Aaron had perished, all the house of Israel wept for Aaron thirty days.
Numbers 20:28-29

Thirty days is such a specific amount of time. Scripture could have simply said that Israel mourned Aaron, but instead, God gives us a number. A measured period that was set apart for grief, and not just for a few people closest to him. It says all the house of Israel wept for Aaron those thirty days. I love that throughout Scripture, and in cultures around the world even today, there is an understanding that sorrow changes us for a season, that after death people are not expected to immediately return to normal life as though nothing has happened.

And honestly, how could they? How could anyone simply return to running at their normal pace after losing someone so deeply loved? Grief changes the rhythm of our lives for a while. It interrupts routines, affects our capacity, and makes it difficult to keep moving through life at the pace we once could.

Loss slows us down. Deep grief affects the mind, body, and spirit in ways that can feel disorienting. You may notice your thoughts feel foggy, simple tasks suddenly feel exhausting, conversations take more effort, your body feels heavy, your emotions feel unpredictable, and your heart feels tender in ways you can’t quite articulate. You may walk into a room and forget why you’re there, stare at a text message for twenty minutes without answering it, cry in the grocery store because you passed the baby aisle, or feel completely drained after doing something that once felt simple. This is what it means to be in a season of mourning.

Don’t be surprised by the slowdown, and don’t shame yourself for any of it. You just lost your baby, and you are healing mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically all at once. So many grieving moms feel pressure to “bounce back” quickly, to respond to messages, keep up with responsibilities, smile when expected, attend the gathering, go back to work, clean the house, make dinner, and carry on at the same pace they once did. But grief doesn’t operate on the timeline of productivity. Whether we want it to or not, it asks us to acknowledge what has been lost and to walk more slowly for a while.

And maybe that is part of God’s kindness in grief. The Lord who created our bodies and formed our hearts knows that loss drains us mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. He knows mourning takes energy, tears are exhausting, sleep is hard, and carrying sorrow is heavy work. He knows how heartbreaking the death of your baby was, and He invites you to lean into this slower pace of mourning and let yourself be cared for in the middle of it.

If you need to rest today, rest. If you need to cancel plans, let the laundry wait another day, leave the email unanswered a little longer, order takeout for dinner, or sit quietly with the Lord instead of pushing through another obligation, give yourself permission to do that. There is no prize for pretending you’re okay when you’re not. 

Allow yourself time to mourn the loss of your baby. It’s okay if your house is messy right now and it’s okay if your heart feels messy too. It is okay if getting out of bed feels hard, or if you are surviving minute by minute in this season. It’s okay if you are surviving on coffee and whatever is in the cupboard this week. Grief has a way of stripping life down to what is most essential, and often what is most essential is simply being held by God day by day, moment by moment.

You don’t have to outrun your pain for God to love you faithfully through it. In time, the Lord’s strength will steady your feet again. He will help you learn how to carry both grief and hope together, and He will gently teach you how to walk this unexpected road forward. But for now, if your pace is slower, let it be slower.  Slow won’t be your pace forever, friend. I promise that the presence of God will meet you here, strengthen you here, and in time, gently lift your eyes toward hope again (Psalm 34:18, Isaiah 40:29, Psalm 42:11).

Jennie is the Executive Director for Hope Mommies. She and her husband Brian live in Oregon and have four children together— Trenton, Paige who has been in Heaven with Jesus since 2010, Mason, and Cora. If you were to knock on her front door today, you’d find her in something comfortable drinking a hot cup of tea, while trying to figure out how to balance all the things that make up a life. She enjoys spending time in God’s word, fresh flowers, board games with her kids, cooking, and evening walks in her neighborhood. She adores being a new creation in Christ and prays she reflects Him well on this earth.