Freedom from Guilt and Shame

I remember so vividly the look on the doctors face the day he told me and my husband that our unborn daughter would not live. He just kept shaking his head while looking at the ultrasound, repeating softly, “I’m so sorry. She just will not survive.”

The first seeds of guilt began to take root in my heart as we drove home from that appointment. It was subtle in the beginning, more of a whispering question. “Was it something I did?”

Over the coming months though, it began to creep deeper and deeper into my heart as I continued to carry my daughter, knowing she wasn’t expected to survive the rest of the pregnancy, or birth. I would lay awake at night thinking of all the things I did that were not perfect in the months leading up to finding out I was pregnant with her.

To the amazement of all of my doctors, our daughter, Faith, survived not only the rest of my pregnancy, but also a 22 hour labor and delivery. As I held her in my arms, knowing her final breath was imminent, it felt like I was stabbed in the heart with the sharpest guilt I had ever felt, and I remember the exact words I heard in my heart that day. “You did this to her.”

I felt like I was hearing the devil himself speak loud and clear into my ear; and I believed him.

I left the hospital the next morning believing with certainty the lie that I was completely and solely responsible for the death of my daughter. I was filled with anguish and shame that if I would have done something, anything, better in my pregnancy with her, I would be walking out that day with her in my arms.

For months and months after her passing, I dealt with many emotions surrounding my grief, but I never questioned my guilt and shame around the responsibility I felt for her death. The lie the enemy began telling me on the day of her fatal diagnosis, and deeply attacked me with on the day of her passing, had taken deep root. I was certain that this lie had to be true. Looking back now, I think I believed it because no other reason for her dying made sense to me. I believed that if I was good I would receive good things. And surely, I thought, your child dying was not good. Therefore, I must have done something to deserve the hand I had been dealt.

It wasn’t until I began attending counseling over a year later that my therapist asked me a question with a deep seriousness in her voice, “Do you feel responsible for your daughters death?” I bursted into tears, and without being able to speak at all, I shook my head yes.

She wrapped her arms around me in a huge hug and told me with the same seriousness in her voice that it was absolutely not my fault and that only God decides the length of our days.

I went home that day with questions in my mind. But this time, it was no longer questions wrapped in guilt and shame, but questions about the character of Jesus.

I quickly found many verses that talked about our worth in the eyes of Jesus. I had read these verses many times, but it was as if I was reading them with truly open eyes now.

In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace.”
Ephesians 1:7

I realized that it is because of the kindness and grace of Christ that we are saved. It has nothing to do with what we do or have ever done.

As I studied God’s Word even more, hungry for truth and ready to truly release the guilt and shame I felt completely, the Holy Spirit moved powerfully in my heart through a few verses in the Psalms.

“You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Everyday of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment laid out before a single day had passed”
Psalm 139:15-16

This verse changed everything for me. The guilt and shame I had carried for over a year was beginning to lift, and I felt like I could breath for the first time in a very long time.

I came to the deep understanding that God is sovereign over every life. He knew before the creation of the world that my daughter, Faith, would only live 90 minutes on this earth, and eight months in my belly. This was not something I ever had control over. I knew in my heart, finally, that Faith was and is always in the palm of the Lord’s hands. And I could receive His forgiveness and love in place of my guilt and shame.

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Lindsey Moon is a mama to Faith Leigh Ann who is in heaven, and Logan Jacob who is here on earth. Becoming a Hope Mom shook her faith to the core, and ignited a passion for Jesus she never knew before. She loves coffee, worship music, talking to anyone she meets, trail running, sunshine, traveling as an army wife, and getting to know God more through His Word.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.

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