Emily’s Story

I found out I was pregnant in May of 2017. When I told my husband, we celebrated together, full of joy and excitement. Before we knew if we were having a boy or a girl, we were trying to pick our top names. I thought of Audrey, and instantly fell in love with the name. I knew that if we had a girl that would be her name. The meaning of Audrey is “noble strength.” We wanted to give our child a first name that had a strong meaning, and to me, Audrey was perfect. When I was 20 weeks, we were getting ready to find out the sex of the baby, and were both almost certain that the baby was going to be a boy. But she was a girl! Looking back now, this was the start of God reminding us that His plan can be much different from our own. Justin decided that we could not officially pick her name until we met her, I knew she was Audrey.

At 42 weeks we decided to induce. We really didn’t want to—but for some reason, I felt like we should. I was admitted into the hospital on February 12. Early the next morning, my water broke and they started me on Pitocin. We were up all night—me having painful contractions, and Justin helping me. I developed a fever—possibly from an amniotic infection—and the baby started to show signs of distress, so they gave me antibiotics and extra oxygen, and monitored her closely. A few hours later I was almost at complete dilation, and was able to push her out in 27 minutes! She was born at 8:44pm on Valentine’s Day, weighing 10lbs, 9oz, and measuring 21 inches long—God surprised us again when everyone thought she would be a small baby like I was.

When she came out, she wasn’t breathing, and there was no heartbeat. The NICU team had just made it into the room, and thanks to their fast work and the grace of God, they were able to get her heart beating again. However, she still couldn’t breathe on her own. Sometime during delivery she had breathed in meconium that filled her lungs. When they were about to take her up to the NICU, they asked us for her name. We knew she needed a name that embodied that strength God had given her. Justin looked at me, and with a huge smile, and tears in his eyes, he said, “Lets name her Audrey.”

Audrey was never alone. We always had someone in the room praying with her, singing to her, reading Bible verses to her, or just holding her precious little hands. Because of Audrey’s critical condition, she always had at least one nurse in the room with her, and a constant flow of doctors and specialists coming in and out. All who came by would see us praying over her and encouraging her. At one point Audrey’s oxygen saturation levels were dropping back down to unstable levels, and as we prayed over her, the monitors showed real signs of improvement. Our nurse said, “Whatever you are doing, keep doing it. It’s working.”

Audrey started taking many breaths on her own, and she stayed responsive to us when we touched her—especially when we prayed over her. One of Audrey’s doctors said she was “the sickest baby in Seattle.” But we didn’t care, because we knew that we had a God who could do anything. On Friday, the doctors were continually telling us how bad her condition was. It was disheartening, but we continued to have faith in God. That afternoon I started having chest pains and shortness of breath, so I was admitted to the ER because they were worried about a blood clot. As I waited for a CAT scan, my mom received a text from my sister saying things weren’t looking good. Justin texted me to get up to the NICU as soon as possible. My mom and I started praying profusely, and asked the nurses to pray.

As they were loading me back onto the gurney after my scan, we heard over the speakers for a “code” in the NICU. I knew that was Audrey, and my heart stopped. They rushed me upstairs, and I made it to the room where Justin and my sister were standing over her. She was alive, but it wasn’t looking good. They asked us if we wanted to hold her, and I didn’t realize at first that it was because they had done all they could do for her. I sat down, let them put her in my arms, and got to hold my baby for the first time. As we held her, Justin and I were praying, asking God for a miracle, and praising Him for Audrey. We trusted that God could still come save her in a way that would amaze all of us; but we also acknowledged Audrey as His, and committed her into His care. We acknowledged that Audrey’s condition was not a mistake, and that God had made her perfectly just the way He had planned. Justin read Psalm 139:13-18, personalizing it with Audrey’s name:

For you created Audrey’s inmost being; you knit Audrey together in her mother’s womb. We praise You because Audrey is fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, we know that full well. Audrey’s frame was not hidden from You, when she was made in the secret place, when she was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw her unformed body; all the days ordained for Audrey were written in Your book before one of them came to be. How precious to us are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were we to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—when we awake, we are still with you.

After a short while Justin and I saw that her chest had stopped moving. We realized that she was up in the arms of our Heavenly Father. We continued to praise God, thanking Him for the time we had with Audrey. Finally, the doctor came in to officially pronounce that she was dead. He gave us a hug and said, “I’m sorry, just some bad luck.” Justin looked him straight in the face and said, “No, it was God’s plan.” They left us alone and Justin dropped to his knees, crying and thanking God for our little girl, and the time we had with her.

The nurse came in and started to remove all of the cords and tubes, and we were finally able to see her sweet face, unobstructed. She looked just like me. Once they cleaned her, we saw that she had beautiful auburn hair. We got her dressed and wrapped in a blanket, and carried her over to the room where our family waited. We sat in there and held our baby while our family cried with us, and kissed her head. As we held her, Justin and I sang “Blessed Be Your Name”, because God gave us Audrey, and He took her away, but our hearts were choosing to say “Lord blessed be your name.”

In the short time we had with Audrey, she showed more strength than we had ever thought possible. God used her to teach us to fully and completely put our trust in Him. Her life taught us that God has a sovereign plan that is much greater than ours. Through Audrey, God taught us to not be afraid to let others see our love and faith in God, and to be more open and vocal about it. We learned the power of prayer, fellowship, and unity. Audrey fulfilled her purpose here on Earth in just 47 hours, and then God took her to spend eternity worshiping Him in Heaven. She can no longer feel the pain and cold that she felt here on Earth. As her parents, we couldn’t ask for a better life than that, and we couldn’t be more proud of our little girl.

Sometimes I think of all the moments that I wanted to have with her and didn’t get: like loading her in her car seat and taking her home from the hospital as a family, or cuddling her in my arms and rocking her in the chair in her nursery. However, those moments were never ours—memories and moments in our lives are gifts from God. We were blessed with incredible moments and strong memories that were filled with so much beauty.

The morning after Audrey passed, Justin was reading his Bible, and he came across John 16:20-23:

“Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.  A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. In that day you will no longer ask me anything. Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.”

Every day, God has revealed to us more of how Audrey’s time here accomplished so much for His glory, and He continues to show us that we are not alone—that He is here with us, comforting us.

The Sunday following Audrey’s death we went to church. We figured that if she was in heaven praising God with all His saints, we should too. It was hard, but as we sang “How Deep the Father’s Love for Us,” God gave me the realization that He sacrificed His one and only Son so that my daughter could be in heaven with Him, and that is such an amazing blessing and incredible hope.

Hi I am Emily, Mommy to my beautiful Hope Baby Audrey. I am married to my best friend, and high school sweetheart Justin. Justin is in the Coast Guard, and we have been blessed to live first in Alaska, and now Seattle. A piece of my heart will always be in Alaska, and we hope to go back one day. I have seen God’s providence through the tragedy of the death of my daughter, and I pray that by sharing her story others can see too just how great our God is.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.