Dear Paige: A Letter to My Hope Baby

Baby Girl,

My arms still ache to hold you. My ears long to hear your sweet giggles. My hands yearn to brush your hair. My lips want to kiss your cheeks. My heart breaks because I can’t see you growing up. I can’t read to you, or sing lullabies to you, or make you pancakes in the shape of numbers on your birthday.

There is always someone missing from the breakfast table and the family photos. There is a room that never got the chance to be yours. Your sweet brothers talk about you and take flowers to your grave. And those brothers of yours are everything to me, just like you are. No one else can ever take the place in mommy’s heart that belongs to you. Sometimes you feel like a secret and I hate that. New friends don’t know that my world of blue was supposed to have a little pink confetti sprinkled in there too! But, Paige, you are a part of me every day and when given the chance, I tell everyone I meet about you.

I loved you from the moment I knew God ordained you to be mine. I carried your body here on earth for 22 weeks and 5 days. That wasn’t nearly enough, but I am beyond grateful for every second I had with you. When I was pregnant with you—I  talked to you, prayed for you, sang to you, ate a lot of oatmeal cookies, shopped for you, and dreamt of all the things you would one day do and be.

When I got the news that your heart had stopped beating, I pleaded with God and asked Him for a miracle. I prayed that somehow or someway He could make this “not our story.” But baby, this was never my story or your story to write. The story belongs to Jesus and always has. It’s all His, from start to finish, and I am so humbled that He bent low to invite us in, to play a part in His bigger, more magnificent story. And baby, this story, though it seems tragic, has the happiest ending of all. And I am smiling as I type these words, because we both know that I don’t need to tell you any of this. You know more than I do about Him and His ways, and this makes my mama heart so filled with joy!

When I held your tiny body after giving birth, I was so keenly aware that you were already with Jesus. The sting of death was very real, baby. But what surprised me in that moment, was that it felt like I was saying goodbye to someone I had always known, and all I wanted was more time. I had the privilege of one afternoon with you. It wasn’t enough. I only have my memories left. But Paige—I remember, I remember, I remember! I can still remember holding you while your daddy held me. I can still feel your weight in my arms and recall the sweet smell of your skin. But, oh my sweetheart, how I yearn for more time with you!

So sister-girl, until I can be with you again, I will dream of you and wonder what you’d be like if you were here. What fun you would have being at school with your brothers! Trent in fifth, you in second, and Mason in kindergarten. Would you chase them on the playground? Or play foursquare? Would you like peanut butter and jelly, too? Would your training wheels be off your bike now? Would your hair be brown like mine? Would your eyes be blue like daddy’s? Would we sing all the songs from Beauty and the Beast together and have tea parties on your grandmother’s tea set—the one I played with as a child, the one I was hoping to pass down to you one day.

Oh Paige! Since you’ve been gone I’ve learned that I used to take so much in this life for granted. Before you, I thought families all grew old together. That life was just a given. I thought we had many years ahead to enjoy you. You taught me that life is precious and that today is to be valued. I never let your brothers or your daddy leave my sight without telling them how much I love them.

And Paigey-girl! You made me brave. I used to be so scared of the storms and dark places in my life. But because of you I learned that I shouldn’t run from the heartache that God allows. These places of trial, fear, and pain are where God shows up in unexpected ways. When I am weak, He is strong. To God be the glory! In my grief, when I felt like He wasn’t hearing my prayers, it was because I was being too loud. Once I was quiet enough to hear His voice, He was definitely speaking to me through His Word and His people and He did something beautiful. He didn’t change my circumstances, but Paige, He changed me on the inside and that is so much better!

He did the work in my life and heart, but you my beautiful daughter were the catalyst that intensified my desire to know Him more. I love you so much! Our best days are yet to come my girl!

Mommy

Jennie is the Executive Director for Hope Mommies. She and her husband Brian live in Washington State and have three precious children together—2 boys in their arms and a daughter in Heaven with Jesus. On an average day you can find her in jeans and a t-shirt, drinking tea and dancing to worship music in the kitchen with her kiddos. She loves the beach, going to the movies, and pumpkin everything!

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