Emily’s Story

February 1, 2012, is a day that will be etched in my mind and heart forever. It is the day, nearly seven years ago, that I met and said goodbye to my son the very same day. That previous fall, my husband and I were so excited to find out we would be adding a new baby to our family. Our oldest was already one, and we couldn’t wait for her to be a big sister and experience everything that came along with having a sibling. The beginning of my pregnancy started off very smoothly. I was having all the normal first trimester pregnancy symptoms, and at our first appointment we were able to hear a beautiful heartbeat and see a sweet little baby that was measuring right on track. 

Before we knew it, it was right at the turn of the new year and time to go to our big mid-pregnancy ultrasound. It was scheduled a little earlier than usual at 17 weeks. We were absolutely thrilled to find out that our baby was a little boy! We already had a boy name picked out—Caleb William—a name we picked long before we ever started growing our family.

Our excitement quickly turned to worry, however, when the doctor came in and told us that he had some concerns about our baby boy. Caleb was measuring small overall, and specifically the long bones in his arms and legs were the most behind, which can be a soft marker for other issues. At the recommendation of our doctors, we moved forward with testing to determine what was going on genetically with Caleb. We wanted to be prepared to care for our baby the best we could. At the end of what felt like a very long two week wait, and after lots of prayer, we finally heard from the doctor. I will never forget his beautiful words: “I am so happy when I can tell patients that I was wrong.” All the test results had come back normal! The doctor said we just had a little guy and that we would continue to monitor his growth during the pregnancy with extra ultrasounds.

At that point, it seemed like all the unknown was behind us, so I moved forward with plans for getting our home ready for Caleb’s arrival. I started to buy sweet little blue clothes and pick out items for his nursery, including vintage trucks like his daddy loves so much. Little did we know, that just a few short weeks later, I would go to the doctor to receive the news that no expecting mother ever wants to hear: my precious Caleb’s heart had stopped beating. Upon hearing that news, my own heart was broken. Somehow, even though we were in complete shock, my husband and I decided to go ahead with inducing labor, so my doctor gave me some medicine to start the process and sent us home with instructions to come back in the morning. 

During the night the contractions started and seemed to pick up quickly, so we headed to the hospital. Caleb was born early that next morning, and he was perfect. The hours that we got to spend with our son were so precious. We marveled at his features and how he had his big sister’s nose, my mouth, and his daddy’s forehead. We spent time holding him, singing to him, and kissing his sweet head. Ironically, he was exactly the size he was supposed to be at 22 weeks gestation. 

The grief in the early days felt like it would swallow me up. I wish I could say that my initial reaction was to turn to God since I had been a believer for years. However, losing my son made me angry with God, and I questioned my faith. In addition, my husband and I grieved so very differently, which added to the challenge. It was the hardest time in my life. 

Thankfully, even when I couldn’t see it at the time, God was there. Looking back, I can see His hand woven throughout our story.  He was there in the loving friends and family that surrounded us with prayers and provided for even our most basic needs during that time. God placed people in our lives who encouraged us to spend time in the Word and to lean on Him. I spent time finding Scripture that spoke to my aching heart and put verses up on cards everywhere. I clung to verses like Psalm 40:1-2: “I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry, He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.” Or Psalm 147:3: “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Some days, I had to remind myself minute by minute of God’s faithfulness and love, and He slowly began to work in my heart.

About a year after Caleb died, I got involved with Hope Mommies, and it truly helped in my healing. It was like a breath of fresh air. There are no words to describe how meaningful it was to be surrounded by women who not only totally understood everything I felt and could relate, but who also continually sought Jesus alongside me. Over time, God drew me so much closer to Him, and I know and love Him in a much deeper way now. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss Caleb, and wonder what it would be like to see him as a first grader playing with his older sister and now three younger siblings, but I am forever thankful for his life and all the blessings that I can now see that have come from it.

Because of Caleb’s life, my faith has grown in a beautiful way and has become truly my own in a way it wasn’t before. My marriage is now stronger than ever. I love more deeply as a wife and mother. There are more conversations than ever before about Jesus and heaven within the walls of our home. Caleb’s life paved the way for placing hope boxes in the hospital where he was born. This opened the door for the creation of the Hope Mommies Central Texas chapter two years ago, so local Hope Moms can have in-person support and the hope of Jesus Christ shared with them. As it says in 2 Corinthians 1:3-5, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

I grieve with hope, because this world is not our home. Even though I still miss my baby and it’s never what I would have chosen, Caleb is in a better place. God created my precious Caleb to be with Him in heaven. One joyful day I will be reunited with my son in glory because of my faith in what Jesus did on the cross. I am still in awe at how God has used Caleb’s life and created beauty where there was once ashes. God is faithful, and He will use the very hardest of trials for good, for His glory, and to draw you closer to Him if you open your heart to Him.

My name is Emily Copeland and I am married to my high school sweetheart, Josh, and we live in Temple, TX and have five beautiful children together. Four are here in our home, Anna (8), Ethan (6), Ella (3), and Joel (1). Our son in heaven, Caleb, was born in February of 2012. I love reading and spending time with my family. I am blessed to be serving as the Hope Mommies Central Texas Chapter President.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.