Discussions in Grief: Searching

Grieving involves new emotions and considerations often too many to numbers. When you find yourself in overwhelming grief, you likely feel buried and lost. In this series, we slowly and compassionately look at one aspect of grief at a time from a biblical perspective for the newly grieving mother. Click {here} to read past posts in this series. 

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“I just want to know why!” I sobbed into the phone. I was standing in the NICU talking to a friend on the phone after being told my daughter would die. This friend had lost her baby girl 2.5 months ago. Through her tears, she told me something I’ll never forget. She said, “There will never be a good enough reason as to why this happened.”   

This may not seem like much of an answer to you. It didn’t to me at the time either, but it’s what I kept coming back to. No explanation would be good enough. I knew the reasons people had offered certainly weren’t:

“Well, she died because you would be able to reach more people with her story.”

Not good enough. 

“Through her death, my prayer life has really grown.”

Not good enough. 

“God needed another flower in His garden.” (Yes, someone actually said that to me!)

Really (Really?!?) Not good enough. 

I hungrily searched the Scriptures desperate for answers. Maybe there would be a verse spelling out God’s reasoning behind this. Perhaps a parable explaining everything to me. You see, I knew all the miracle stories. I knew about Elijah raising the widow’s son from the dead. I remembered how Jesus raised Jairus’s daughter too. Those were not the stories I was interested in. 

I wanted to find the stories when God didn’t step in and save the day. When God chose not to answer a desperate plea for another way, any other way that didn’t lead to the death of a beloved child. If only there was such a story. 

Oh wait. 

I remember now. 

There is. 

 

“He went on a little farther and bowed with his face to the ground, praying,
‘My Father!  If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me.
Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.'”
-Matthew 26:39

Jesus, Himself, had searched for a different way. 

And God, Himself, did not step in.  

When you look at this passage, you naturally assume that Jesus was thinking about how much this would hurt. Death on a cross–such a painful way to die. And I do think Jesus was focused on the pain this would cause, but not the pain it would cause Himself. The pain it would cause His followers. 

His friends. 

His mother. 

Jesus knew the grief His death would cause all of them, especially the woman who brought Him physically into this world. 

When Jesus was on the cross, He “saw His mother there, and the disciple whom He loved standing nearby, He said to her, ‘Woman, here is your son,’ and to the disciple, ‘Here is your mother.’  From that time on, this disciple took her into his home.”

(John 19:26-27). Even in the midst of His own suffering, Jesus’ concern was for others in their grief. He knew they would be searching for answers, comfort, and hope. 

As I continued to spend time reading my Bible, God poured His Word into me. I would constantly stumble upon verses I had never heard before:

“Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days.”
-Isaiah 65:20

Or verses that took on a much deeper meaning for me:

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
-Psalm 34:18

These scriptures felt like the arms of God wrapping around me in support. I felt His peace wash over me as I read His words. They gave me encouragement, and they brought me hope. 

I didn’t find what I was looking for–why my daughter had to die. I found more than I asked for–comfort to get me through my grief, assurance of God’s love for me, and empathy from a Parent and a Savior who’s been there. 

“Now all glory to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.”
-Ephesians 3:20

Don’t make the answer what you worship. Only God deserves our obsession. Remember through seeking His Word, our hang up on the why turns into a desire for the Who. 

Searching is a time of waiting. You are waiting to hear from God. It may not be what you were looking to find or hoping to hear, but He always answers. 

“I waited patiently for the Lord;  He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in Him.”
-Psalm 40:1-3

Seek Him today. Make Him your Answer. 

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Stephanie Blanks is an elementary school teacher turned stay-at-home mom. She is married to Matt and has four children: Lyston (7), Kinley (who went home to Jesus in 2011), Levi (4), and Leighton (2). Stephanie enjoys singing in her church praise band, running, reading, and spending time with her family.

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