Dear Noah + Isabelle: A Letter to My Hope Babies

My Precious Babies,

Can you believe it has been six years since we lost you, Noah, and five years since we lost you, Isabelle? Sometimes, I don’t know where the time has gone, but I do know that I have spent a lot of that time missing you so very deeply.

I have wanted to be a mama as far back as I remember. Anytime I played house growing up, I was the mom. I dreamed about getting married and having kids one day, so once your dad and I got married, we could not wait to have a baby! Noah, when I found out I was pregnant with you, I was home alone because dad was at work, and I cried tears of joy. We decided not to wait to announce I was pregnant, so I told our family immediately, and dad told all of our friends right before Thanksgiving. One of your grandmas, my mom, was so excited that she had to send baby clothes right away! You never got to wear them, my sweet boy, but your three brothers all  have in honor of you.

The day we lost you was one of the hardest days of my life. I was so sad, and eventually, I was so angry at God. I wrestled with him for months, asking how a loving God could take my child from me. What made all of this even more confusing was the fact that I got pregnant again almost immediately after I miscarried you.

My sweet Isabelle, your pregnancy was both wonderful and terrifying at the same time. I was so afraid of losing you that I pretty much stopped doing anything aside from going to work and going to church. The doctor also misdiagnosed me with Placenta Previa earlier on in my pregnancy, so I did not even travel to the baby shower my mom (your Gigi) was throwing for you. Eventually, the doctor said he was wrong and that I did not have Previa. He said all was good, and we believed him.

We were so thankful you were healthy, and we could not wait to finally see you face to face. I look back at the pictures we took the day I went into labor, and they often make me cry. We just look excited. And we were! We had no idea what was coming. What started out as a normal labor turned into an emergency c-section.

I woke up to find out you were being transferred to a better NICU, and they took me to meet you before we left separately because they did not think you would survive. They told me this as they put you on my chest. The pictures they took of that moment break my heart. You can just see my devastation and confusion coupled with your beautiful little body laying on my chest.

I would have cried even if you were okay because it was the first time I had seen you. You were so very precious. As you know, we got to spend some time together. I saw you that night and then I got to spend the entire next day with you until you died. I missed you immediately and couldn’t sleep that night (even after being up well over 24 hours) until they brought your body into my room in your little bassinet. I heard little babies cry throughout the night, but I never heard you cry. I was in shock and devastated, as I am sure you can imagine.

Kids, my beginning experiences with motherhood were extremely hard. I lost both of you back to back! My world crumbled. When Noah died, I was angry. When Isabelle died, I was in shock, and I turned to the Lord and repented of my anger because I had no real right to be angry with Him. Through it all, God remained faithful to me. He lovingly sustained me and taught me about His faithfulness and His goodness.

Thankfully, God gave me your dad. He was, and still is, a rock. He always encouraged me to be in the Word and reminded me who God is. We endured the trial of losing you both by falling on our knees before God Almighty and learning to trust Him more because He was all we had. I still wrestled with the Lord. I asked why over and over. I focused on things I wished I had done differently as if I could change the outcome—even something as small as holding you on my chest more to comfort you because I now know how soothing that is for a newborn. But in time, I have learned to trust and love God’s sovereignty, and I learned that I deserve so much worse. I remembered that I deserve hell, yet He has redeemed me through Jesus Christ. Trusting in Christ and His goodness gave me great hope even though it did not necessarily take away the pain.

I was supposed to have a new baby at home, but instead, it was just your dad, me, and our dog, Livy. I cannot explain how quiet the house was and how empty it felt without you both in it. One major way I dealt with my grief was by singing. I had always appreciated worship music, but after losing you both, I fell in love with hymns. I sang them all throughout the day, and they often taught me how to respond to the Lord and our situation when I didn’t know what to pray or what to do.

One of my favorite hymns to sing was “Whatever My God Ordains is Right.” It is so funny I love this hymn so much now because your dad had us sing it on our wedding day, and I thought it was a really weird hymn back then—especially for a wedding! I guess I didn’t listen to the words enough back then because the hymn is so precious to me now. I often think of you both while I sing it. It goes like this:

Whate’er my God ordains is right
His holy will abideth
I will be still whate’er He does
And follow where He guideth
He is my God, though dark my road
He holds me that I shall not fall
And so to Him I leave it all

Whate’er my God ordains is right (yes, it is)
He never will deceive me
He leads me by the proper path I know
He will not leave me
I take, content, what He has sent
His hand can turn my griefs away
And patiently I wait His day

Whate’er my God ordains is right
Though now this cup in drinking
May bitter seem to my faint heart
I take it all, unshrinking
My God is true, each morn anew
Sweet comfort yet shall fill my heart
And pain and sorrow shall depart

Whate’er my God ordains is right
Here shall my stand be taken
Though sorrow, need, or death be mine
Yet I am not forsaken
My Father’s care is round me there
He holds me that I shall not fall
And so to Him I leave it all

I love this hymn because it recognizes that life is hard. Rodigast recognizes that trials bring pain and suffering, yet our God is bigger than these hardships. I do not mean to make light of losing you both, but instead, I am reminding myself of just how magnificent God is. God’s sustaining hand in my life is the only thing that kept me from falling apart forever.

Losing you both was the hardest thing I have ever had to endure, and yet, He alone sustained me and brought me through it. I am sure you both understand this in a way I don’t fully yet. I take comfort knowing the Lord created you for a purpose. I take comfort knowing God was with you as you died, and I am thankful that the first thing you saw as you opened your beautiful eyes was the face of our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. I wish you could tell me about heaven.

While losing you was more difficult than I can really explain, having you in the first place just made your dad and me want more children. Children are beautiful gifts of the Lord and are so precious. Your lives taught us the value of children in a new way. Losing you made me even more pro-life as I learned that God hates partiality and that human life does not gain value as it ages in the womb (James 2:1-4; 1 Timothy 5:21). You both were my precious babies, and you both were made in the image of God. It was devastating to lose both of you even though you were at different gestations.

Because I lost one of you in the beginning of pregnancy and one at the end, I was nervous that future pregnancies would be difficult (they are). But, by God’s grace, one of your brothers was born a short while later. As they placed him on my chest, I cried so hard for the precious lives that we had lost, and this beautiful boy God had given us. Your brother’s middle name is actually Samuel, which means ‘God hears’ because God heard our prayers for another baby. I love the story of Hannah’s desire for children, and I love her prayer after Samuel was born. She prays:

“My heart exults in the Lord; my horn is exalted in the Lord. My mouth derides my enemies, because I rejoice in your salvation.

“There is none holy like the Lord: for there is none besides you; there is no rock like our God.

Talk no more so very proudly, let not arrogance come from your mouth; for the Lord is a God of knowledge, and by him actions are weighed.

The bows of the mighty are broken, but the feeble bind on strength.

Those who were full have hired themselves out for bread, but those who were hungry have ceased to hunger. The barren has borne seven, but she who has many children is forlorn.

The Lord kills and brings to life; he brings down to Sheol and raises up.

The Lord makes poor and makes rich; he brings low and he exalts.

He raises up the poor from the dust; he lifts the needy from the ash heap to make them sit with princes and inherit a seat of honor. For the pillars of the earth are the Lord’s, and on them he has set the world.

“He will guard the feet of his faithful ones, but the wicked shall be cut off in darkness, for not by might shall a man prevail.

The adversaries of the Lord shall be broken to pieces; against them he will thunder in heaven. The Lord will judge the ends of the earth; he will give strength to his king and exalt the horn of his anointed.” (1 Samuel 2:1-10)

I love Hannah’s prayer because she exults the Lord. She is so happy to have a healthy baby, and her response is this beautiful prayer praising God because He is God and is deserving of all praise. We have a sign hanging in the nursery that reads, “For this child, I have prayed” (1 Samuel 1:27). We actually got that sign when we were decorating the nursery for Isabelle. And the words have been true for each child we have had.

We have a tradition in our family. The birthday boy or girl gets to pick out what kind of cake they want for his or her birthday, and then I attempt to bake it to the best of my ability. It is a fun tradition that my mom used to do for us, and now I am able to do the same thing for my kids. One of your brothers just had a birthday, and as I watched your siblings celebrate around the motorcycle cake I had made, I thought of you both. I thought about how much I missed you and how sad it is that I make you cakes, and while we celebrate your lives each year, we never get to celebrate your growth. I also thought about how happy I was to watch your brother grow and get to celebrate another birthday. At the same time, I was sad that our family will never feel complete without you both here.

I know that is a lot to think about, but my grief is this weird push and pull and will probably always be this way. I miss you both so much, yet losing you has deepened my love for God and for my other children. I am sinful, so I am sure I still take them for granted, but I do truly think that I appreciate them more than I would have if you had not died. So, I am very grateful for the lessons your lives have taught me while also being very sad that I do not have you here with me to raise and love each day.

The Lord has used the both of you to change me quite a lot over the past few years. He has taught me to trust in His goodness, and He has shown me His faithfulness in a way I did not understand before. He has also revealed more of my sin to me. He has shown me my selfishness and pride. He has shown me my deep failures as a wife and mother. Yet, He never fails. He never does wrong. It hurts me that part of His good plan was the death of two of my children, but at the same time, I am so thankful that you were part of His good plan at all!

I will miss you both for the rest of my life. I will miss all of the little things as well as the big ones. I will never get to tuck you in and kiss you before bed each night or hear you playing with your siblings. I will never help Isabelle put on her wedding dress and watch your dad walk her down the aisle. I will never get to dance with Noah on his wedding day. I will never hold your children or do a million things I thought I would do with you both. I look at your siblings, and I try to guess what you both would have looked like or what your personalities would be like, but they are only guesses. I will not know until we are reunited again one day.

But, praise God that He will raise the dead one day. Christ’s death, burial, and resurrection gave all of us who are in Him new life, and one day He will return for His people and raise us from the dead and give us new resurrected bodies (1 Corinthians 15). I long for heaven and the new creation, and I long for the day when Christ raises us from the dead. I long to be reunited with my God and my King, and I long to be reunited with my precious babies. I will never stop missing and loving you both. Your lives here on earth were short, but you impacted our family forever, and I am so grateful God chose me to be your mother.

Love Always,

Mama

Ravyn is married to Anthony, and together they have three children: Noah, Isabelle, and Micah. Ravyn is a teacher and loves reading, writing, and hiking.

Are you a writer who would like to join the blog team? Learn more and apply here.