Cereese’s Story

In the fall of 2017, our family decided that we wanted to have another child. We began praying together that God would answer the desire of our hearts, specifically for a son. Our prayers were answered almost immediately, and I became pregnant. I didn’t recognize it at the time, but I now know that I miscarried shortly after in December. It wasn’t until I learned that we were again expecting the following March, and I was flooded with the same symptoms, that I became cognizant of my miscarriage just months before. While staring at the positive lines, the tinge of sorrow for our previous loss was mixed with the joyous thought of this new life growing inside of me.

Along with my excitement came new anxieties and fears that, up until that point, I had never experienced before during pregnancy. As I sat at our first doctor’s appointment, for the first time I was worried about the things I could not know. I noticed a picture on the wall with the words, “His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me.” Scanning the room, I took a mental note of the birds placed throughout. I couldn’t help but smile as the old hymn “His Eye is on the Sparrow” came to mind, and the Holy Spirit reminded me of His Word.

”So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.” Matthew 10:31 (NLT)

Though my spirit had been comforted, there was still a palpable nervousness. However, we soon heard that sweet pounding of a little heartbeat, and a calmness swept over us—all of our anxieties were washed away. We were mesmerized watching this gummy bear sized baby bounce around on the screen, and I had the feeling that it was a boy. After that, every doctor’s appointment was as any “normal” pregnancy should be. We would watch the ultrasound screen as a family, waiting to see what this little one would do next.

While preparing for this newest member of our family to arrive, we purchased a bed that was gender neutral because at this point we did not yet know the sex of the baby. When we got it home and opened the box, we realized it was not the bed we had picked out. It was even better. This one had blue birds on it, and it was such an encouraging reassurance that God had His eye on us, and that He was in the details. After what seemed to be an eternity of waiting, the day of our gender reveal came, and we learned that we were going to have a baby boy! It was one of the most exciting days of our lives and will forever be cherished. God had answered our prayers, and we were ecstatic.

At our very next checkup, the world stopped turning. The doctor tried to remain calm as she continued to search for the baby’s heartbeat. It became clear that something was not right. She then delivered the devastating news that our son’s heart had stopped. A combination of shock and overwhelming peace filled the room. We knew the Lord was with us. Nothing made sense, and we weren’t given any answers, but we knew our God was sovereign.

On August 14, 2018, I sat in the hospital bed after giving birth to our stillborn son at 23 weeks three days. The doctor handed him to me, and I was amazed at how perfect and beautiful he was. My husband called our daughters and asked them what they wanted to name him. They quickly decided on Cayse Michael Steele. It was perfect and beautiful just like him. Later, we were handed a box of hope, and as we pulled out the contents, we wept in heartache and hope. We read a handwritten prayer of another mother who had lost a child. Her prayer was that we would experience the peace, comfort, strength, and hope that only God could provide. This became our prayer as well. We wanted to help bring comfort to others who were grieving in the same way that we were comforted in those moments, and we wanted God to be glorified in our grief.

We came home that night, and as I sat looking outside at the rain, a little bird flew down and landed on the back patio. It was another bittersweet moment. I struggled with the thought of why God had answered my prayer and then allowed it to be taken away. What was the purpose in that? Why had He allowed my dream to be crushed? Wasn’t it a good dream? I knew He was a good Father and that He would bring good from this, but none of it felt good.

I pulled out one of the workbooks in my Hope Box and decided to trust my Father. I wrote in the front, “Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.” One of the first activities I tried was to paint what I was feeling. This would become a way in which God would work through me, allowing me to help bring comfort to others. God continuously reassured me of His abundant love and my eternal hope, through His Word and His promises.

A month after Cayse went home to be with Jesus, Lauren Daigle, released a song called “Everything.” The first line starts by saying, “Even the Sparrow.” As I listened to it, I thought, “There He is again, in the details.” My God had indeed provided everything we needed, every step of the way, in abundance and according to His riches.

At Cayse’s ash spreading ceremony, our family knelt down together offering up prayers of hope. My heart yearned for God to bring beauty from Cayse’s ashes as I let them fall from my hand. It felt so final. So unfair. In a matter of days, we went from him kicking my insides filled with life, to birthing his lifeless body, to spreading the ashes of our dreams. Our hearts were shattered. But as I trusted God each day, He reminded me of where my hope lies, and again allowed me to see eternity written in my mind and on my heart. He filled me with His strength.

My heart is now set on eternity, and my tears have become songs of joy. He has brought beauty from ashes. The life and death of my son, Cayse, has revealed to me so much more of Christ. My gaze is set on my precious Savior. I share in His life, death, and resurrection—my eternal hope!

As I write this, we are overcome with joy to announce that we are currently pregnant. Even though we are cautiously optimistic, we have decided to be thankful for every day we get with this new little one because it is all grace. We’ve seen God bring so much purpose and healing from our pain, and we are confident that He is going to do so much more in our lives, for His glory.

I am His daughter. He calls me His, beautiful and loved. Wife to Casey Steele and mother of four daughters on earth and three other children in heaven. Our family is temporarily located in Sanger, Texas. We homeschool our daughters, enjoy road trips and look forward to traveling. I love to paint and to read several books at once.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.